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My Life

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by pandamonium, Dec 19, 2009.

  1. pandamonium

    pandamonium Well-Known Member

    I broke down today; there was no hiding it. Normally I am strong enough to hold it all together around my family. No one has ever suspected that anything is wrong.

    This afternoon mum got off the phone with dad; apparently he was in a bad mood. He was going off about how my brother lies about his study to stay away from him. I must admit this is true and I hate it. I hate how my brother hates dad and blames everything on him. Dad also commented on my health and that he believes the surgery didn't help me with a few issues I've been having. This is also true. I saw the specialist a few days ago and if I do not get any better in the following months I need to have a CT scan. I was in the bathroom and mum was telling me how upset she was with everything dad said. Then bam, another issue hits me. Looking in the mirror and running my hand through my hair my hair is falling out like crazy. One problem after the other after the other, there is never any moment in my life when everything is fine. I couldn’t stop crying. Everything hit me, my life.

    I am sick of my life. I am sick of us being so poor, and my dad having so much money but he only rarely helps out. I hate our shitty little government house, its tiny, old and falling apart yet the government wont fix the falling ceilings up or replace anything because they want us to move into another house. We live in a really good suburb and we have received letters stating that they want us to move out because our house can sell for a lot of money. I am sick of being poor, buying op shopped/thrift store clothing. I hate that I have to buy shit that isn't good enough for other people. I can only have their discarded trash. The only reason why I pushed through the hell of uni was so I could get a degree, get a good job and not continue living like this.

    My mum did the best she could. She had an extremely rough life. She was always so good to dad. I wish he were as good to her and to all of us. I know why she needed to move out, she couldn't handle living with someone who treated her like shit. They get along okay now that they live so far apart. Mum had to get out, they only way she was able to do so was with government help. Dad will never change; can deal with him in small doses but nothing more than that. I can't be mad at him like my brother can. I've been trying to stick up for dad for years. Fighting with my brother trying to convince him that he is okay, that he isn't as nasty as he seems, that he thinks what he is doing is beat for us. Sigh.

    I am dreading the next few weeks. Sure my heath is fucked, so is money and my family, but I don’t have any friends to help me get though this. I have never had many friends. I was bullied from year 2 onwards, excluded for the most stupid reasons, like wearing the wrong type of hat. In year 4 I remember some girls I played with at lunch left a card on my chair. I opened it up and it said that they didn't want to be my friends anymore and told me to play with some other girls, and then they all signed their name to state that they didn't want me as a friend.

    I don't understand why, I always try to be a great friend to others, it just never works out. When my best friend in college went overseas I stayed up every night to talk to her on msn. She hated being over their working; I tried to be there for her. I sent her packages full of music, food, and photos. I remember asking her best friends (yes she was my best friend but I was not hers) I begged her friends to give me letters and photos to send to her. I knew how my friend would appreciate it and they couldn't be fucked, they didn't care or make any effort. Shortly after she returned back home she stopped talking to me. I'm not Christian and don't go to church. She would rather her best friends who treat her like she, fighting, making her cry and feel like shit, who never made the effort to make their homesick friends know they cared. They were better people because they want to church; their bad behaviour was okay because they were Christian.

    I could go on and on about stories, I could write a whole book about it. The time in high school when my dog died, and a bunch of girls decided it was the perfect time to tell me they wished I died instead of my dog. My friend that I've known since pre school, a friendship of 18/19 years ending because she thinks its okay for her boyfriend to abuse me and feel like shit. That its okay he tells drug deals that I spat on their car, one of the guys spent time in prison for cutting a guys arm off. She laughed, she found it funny then tried to justify it as a laugh and that I was overreacting.

    I currently have no friends. I sit at home everyday, alone. I sleep all day to avoid how lonely and depressed I am. Last time I did anything social was the 7th of November. Before that was my brothers friend party on the 25th of July. I was only invited because I helped to create something huge for the party. I want friends. I want to go out and do stuff. This is eating me up so much. It’s the most dreaded time of the year. Christmas, birthday, new years. Being alone, knowing you should be with friends. It makes me feel like no one cares. I am not important to anyone. I need friends. I need people to help me to forget how shit my life is. Allow me to go out and forget my problems and be happy. Why do people hate me so much?

    I have been trying to make a change to my life. Trying to get involved with sport and volunteering. Trying to make some friends who are not completely shit.

    Lack of friends also mean a lack of love or interest from guys. People say that I'm pretty but it means nothing. Guys aren't into me. Pretty is nothing. I also fear that with the way my hair is falling out, that I am going to become some kind of freak. I love my long hair. Took forever for it to grow. I cut it short after my ex dumped me. He always told me to never cut it, so when he dumped me it just seemed like the right thing to do. Yet I regret it instantly. I was ugly up until I got out of college. I had no idea what to do with my hair. When I found out what I could do with it people kept telling me how pretty I was, people told me how it was a huge improvement. God I sound so incredibly vain.

    Guys tell me I'm pretty, tell me I'm great. I think they just tell me what I want to hear. Guys only think of me as a hole that they can fuck. They wont even try to go out with me; I’m not good enough. Only good enough to fuck. They don't care about me; want to get to know me. Every guy is like this, its not that I only go for guys that treat me like shit or anything. I am not good enough for anyone.

    I fear that I will never find someone who loves me. I fear that I will end up like my mum, being with someone who treats their wife like shit and ultimately driving her away because she cannot deal with it. Argh dad lies to all this friends, to his family. He cannot take it that mum moved away, he pretends that they are still together and love each other. Love is so fucked up.

    This fear of being alone or unlovable consumes me. I will do anything in my power to take care of others, but who will take care of me?

    Even when I find someone great I fuck it up. I sabotage myself because I don't think I can allow myself to be happy. I love everyone with all I have. No one ever returns that feeling towards me.

    Only one person has wanted to be with me, but he soon got sick of me. He stopped loving me. I want to feel wanted and valued. I just don't see it ever happening.

    I will probably go back to the doctors tomorrow. My health is fucked.

    Family, money, friends, health, love. It's all fucked. I sick of suffering. I'm sick of being so depressed and messed up. This is my life. Well all that I am willing to admit at this point.
  2. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    Your story makes me feel really sad, I wish there were something I could do to make it better for you. Just want you to know I've heard you. :hug:
  3. DreamReaver

    DreamReaver Well-Known Member

    :console: :hug:
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am so sorry you are suffering so much. You deserve to be happy as you care so much for others. I was raised in sever poverty and it affected my whole self but i fought and got out of it. I still whole the pain of it all though. I wish i could be there for you Just know we care here we do and anytime you need to vent do it okay Let the pain go as it will only make your health worse if you hold onto it. Stay strong and if you have to cry then do it sometimes crying does help. We all care about you here so please don't forget that. We may not be there physically but we are there emotionally for you.
  5. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    First and foremost, do u like yourself?
    Love yourself, comfort yourself and be YOUR best friend.
    You are pretty, educated and care about others now care about YOU!
    Give yourself a cuddle, a kind word, when u love yourself (somehow) u become lovable to others.
    Respecting and loving yourself will make others look at you in a different light and meanwhile go to the docs about the hair loss, sounds like stress related alopaecia.
    PM me anytime.