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My life

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Stryker1984, Jul 16, 2010.

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  1. Stryker1984

    Stryker1984 New Member

    Hey and thanks for reading this, I have been reading the internet for a while and this is my first time posting, i just came across this site today and thought I would tell my story, about my life and the thoughts i cant get out of my head. When i was 17 my and my girlfriend broke up after close to 3 years, we had a child that she miscarried and it caused her so much pain that she broke up with me and it hurt me deeply for the reason we broke up, she soon later had a child with another guy and i decided to let her be so she could have a family even though it hurt me bad. My Aunt who was married in the family was close to me in years and she would counsel me, she was my shoulder to cry on, and her and my uncle were having troubles, him cheating with her best friends, over and over and always fighting with her. After several months of me crying with her i finally got a job and was still in pain but i couldn't drive so she was picking me up and taking me to work, so we were spending a lot of time together, then one day she told me the feelings that she had for me and i must admit i know its odd i had feelings for her, so i helped her leave, helped her divorce, and we wound up together and i took care of her and her kids (happily) even though i lost all my family...obviously. Well we been together 8 years and married for 2 going on 3 in October. Well about a year ago i had feelings she was cheating on me and she finally admitted it and i got her to leave. It felt like someone cut my heart out. I thought about suicide everyday by shooting myself, but i was to scared to do it, i would just sit there looking at it. Well finally we got back together and a year ago i found out she was cheating on me with the same guy from her job, i made her leave again, and went and bought some pain killer meds so i could overdoes,(i sold my gun prior to this) but i couldn't do it i was afraid it wouldn't work and i would be in the hospital or maybe even a vegetable. We wound up back together after me begging and pleading and shortly after her ex boyfriend shot himself committing suicide. Because me and her were back together. I know its bad but i felt relieved,I'm sorry. Well we had some more trouble and decided to stay together but stay in separate places for a while. Everything was good we seen each other everyday, she would come over, always call me, movies, restaurants. Well then she got where it would be a week and she wouldnt talk to me. She promised she loved me everything was fine, she was just busy at school. She just started back up wanting to be a nurse. I begged her for a kid the entire time we were together,she had her tubes tied in her prior marriage, so we found out the procedures on what to do, i got the money to do it, then she changed her mind. We were together a few weeks ago, making love, i bought her furniture, groceries and cooked for her and the kids, everyone had a great weekend, then Monday i find out shes cheating on me with the guy that shot him-self's brother. And i confronted them and she denied me and her were together a few weeks ago and that she hasn't seen or talked to me in a long time to him with me there. I wanted to fight but he wouldn't. I hurt more than anyone can i think. I love her, i gave my family up for her, I have no friends, all i do is work and come home and listen to music. I have even recently found info on the H2S suicide, and what was needed to do it, Even went yesterday to get the stuff to do it. I want to do it, just dont know why i cant. All i do is cry and miss her. I sent her ton of emails, she wont return my calls, and i even sent flowers today, Even called her sister, no one will call me back. I'm sorry i know this is long, i just wanted someone to know. I remember when people used to tell me aww im going to commit suicide and id be like do it,if your going to talk about it you wasnt going to do it in the first place, Im sorry i know i was wrong because the pain i feel now i want to do it but cant. I have prayed so much lately and nothing is helping.
  2. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    I do not judge you, and I believe that you can make it through this. My heart goes out to you for your ex and your unborn child. My compassion goes out to you in your situation with your aunt. But I must be honest. Both of you have done something that should have never happened. I know that you both were in vulnerable situations that have lead to that point, but I strongly suggest you both turn from this mistake and move on. There are many unrelated women out there that are looking for a guy like you. A man that wants children and a family. A man who will work and take care of his family. That is such a desired quality! And I know you would make a great dad, once you make up your mind to do things the right way from here on out. I have found my hope, guidance, love, and joy in Yahweh. I have been forgiven of many things, and you too can be forgiven of your past actions. Now I am blessed and have what I always wanted. The same things you desire. But I had to decide to change, and to repent, and to give him control. My way wasn't working, and I suffered for every bad descision I have made. I will keep you in my prayers, and thoughts. Blessings..
  3. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    I also wanted to say that it is very brave of you for being honest. I applaud you for that. I feel that the sooner you get out of that aunts life the better. She sounds as if she is just using you anyhow. You deserve better. :) :hug:
  4. Stryker1984

    Stryker1984 New Member

    Yea but i still love her more than i can express i know our love was wrong, but it happened. All i want is her back and everything like it was b4. I married her cause i love her, made vows. How can i walk away so easy now. I dont know what to do
  5. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    The first thing is that your marriage is morally, and spiritually wrong. You both know it. You made vows and honored them, but she broke them. You are free to walk away, and I encourage you to really think about the whole situation from both view points. Love is pure, but what you both did was not pure. You can still love her as an aunt, and I am sure that you are confused at the moment, but the truth is that it would have never worked regardless. It was doomed from the beginning. There is right and wrong in this life despite of any religion you follow. When you do what you know and feel in your soul to be wrong, you will reap the out come. I do suggest that you get professional help, this is unhealthy for you to go on like this. I am truly concerned for you and your well being. It is not too late for you, but you first must get professional help. If you will not turn to spiritual help that will have to do. Could you even imagine the outcome if you did reproduce? There is a good reason why you were not able to, and I praise Yahweh that she had the sense not to go through with it. You deserve pure untainted love, and a family of your own. But if you keep harboring these unclean and unhealthy feelings the outcome is going to be continual suffering. Something I am sure you both do not want. And if you loved each other at all, you will admit that it was a mistake and vow to never do it again. Think about the message you sent to her children! This picture is bigger than yourselves, and what you did is selfish and wrong. The only positive outcome of this is that you both can turn away from this, move on and become better people, and make wiser choices. I pray you do the right thing, and divorce. I also pray that you get right with yourself spiritually, and mentally. I would hate to see you suffer and eventually die for this mistake. Please reconsider what it right, and do it. Blessings...
  6. Azmodius

    Azmodius Well-Known Member

    My sympathies go with you.
    I agree partly with Daphna, you are clearly a loving and sensitive person, and deserve better than this. I applaud your commitment, you truly care about her (why you married her), but this may be one of those situations where you might need to leave her so you can concentrate on you.
    I don't say this lightly, I'm very much a 'in love with 1 person at a time' guy, but you've given up so much for her, it might be time to concentrate on you.

    I obviously don't know the whole situation, and don't judge, just know I'm here if you ever need to talk. The fact you're here speaks volumes, remain around, there's always a possible route back!
  7. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi Stryker. I'm sorry to hear that you're hurting so much right now. I don't think that you and your aunt (by marriage) should have gotten married in the first place, because it cost you your family. Now that you and her are having problems, I think you should go back to your family and ask them for help and support. You need family support to help you get through this. I know that you still love her and her children, but maybe giving her some space and getting help from your family might be the best things to help yourself recover. :hug:
  8. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    PLEASE DONT HURT YOURSELF. You are only human and we all have made errors in judgement. Try to pick up the pieces. Go to therapy and llok for answers. Also give the situation ntime and distance and maybe you two can make amends to each other and forgive. You are a very good dperson that went through such a tough time. PLEASE FORGET THE THINGS YOU MENTIONED and join us and get help and heal and find love and happiness. PLEASE STAY WITH US

    Write me if you like,

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