Hey and thanks for reading this, I have been reading the internet for a while and this is my first time posting, i just came across this site today and thought I would tell my story, about my life and the thoughts i cant get out of my head. When i was 17 my and my girlfriend broke up after close to 3 years, we had a child that she miscarried and it caused her so much pain that she broke up with me and it hurt me deeply for the reason we broke up, she soon later had a child with another guy and i decided to let her be so she could have a family even though it hurt me bad. My Aunt who was married in the family was close to me in years and she would counsel me, she was my shoulder to cry on, and her and my uncle were having troubles, him cheating with her best friends, over and over and always fighting with her. After several months of me crying with her i finally got a job and was still in pain but i couldn't drive so she was picking me up and taking me to work, so we were spending a lot of time together, then one day she told me the feelings that she had for me and i must admit i know its odd i had feelings for her, so i helped her leave, helped her divorce, and we wound up together and i took care of her and her kids (happily) even though i lost all my family...obviously. Well we been together 8 years and married for 2 going on 3 in October. Well about a year ago i had feelings she was cheating on me and she finally admitted it and i got her to leave. It felt like someone cut my heart out. I thought about suicide everyday by shooting myself, but i was to scared to do it, i would just sit there looking at it. Well finally we got back together and a year ago i found out she was cheating on me with the same guy from her job, i made her leave again, and went and bought some pain killer meds so i could overdoes,(i sold my gun prior to this) but i couldn't do it i was afraid it wouldn't work and i would be in the hospital or maybe even a vegetable. We wound up back together after me begging and pleading and shortly after her ex boyfriend shot himself committing suicide. Because me and her were back together. I know its bad but i felt relieved,I'm sorry. Well we had some more trouble and decided to stay together but stay in separate places for a while. Everything was good we seen each other everyday, she would come over, always call me, movies, restaurants. Well then she got where it would be a week and she wouldnt talk to me. She promised she loved me everything was fine, she was just busy at school. She just started back up wanting to be a nurse. I begged her for a kid the entire time we were together,she had her tubes tied in her prior marriage, so we found out the procedures on what to do, i got the money to do it, then she changed her mind. We were together a few weeks ago, making love, i bought her furniture, groceries and cooked for her and the kids, everyone had a great weekend, then Monday i find out shes cheating on me with the guy that shot him-self's brother. And i confronted them and she denied me and her were together a few weeks ago and that she hasn't seen or talked to me in a long time to him with me there. I wanted to fight but he wouldn't. I hurt more than anyone can i think. I love her, i gave my family up for her, I have no friends, all i do is work and come home and listen to music. I have even recently found info on the H2S suicide, and what was needed to do it, Even went yesterday to get the stuff to do it. I want to do it, just dont know why i cant. All i do is cry and miss her. I sent her ton of emails, she wont return my calls, and i even sent flowers today, Even called her sister, no one will call me back. I'm sorry i know this is long, i just wanted someone to know. I remember when people used to tell me aww im going to commit suicide and id be like do it,if your going to talk about it you wasnt going to do it in the first place, Im sorry i know i was wrong because the pain i feel now i want to do it but cant. I have prayed so much lately and nothing is helping.