As I write this im 28 years old and live in an industrial town in England, I work as a technical adviser for a steelwork company and have been for 12 years. MY CHILDHOOD (upto 7 years old) OK who remembers being this young?, all I do remember is my parents used to work in a bar most nights which ment me and my two elder brothers spent allot of time living with our grandparents, this was far from the happiest time of my life mainly because of my brothers who saw me as the outcast but also the drunk violent old man and scared shitless mother, the earliest memory of my farther was one night when he was about to go for a drink (I would of been 5 or 6) he asked me to pass him a bottle of lemonade and before I did I took a sip, he then playfully took the bottle off me and took a drink, me being a child proceeded to try and take the bottle back off him spilling some down his shirt in the process, I laughed and tried to playfully run away, he grabbed me slapped me drop kicked me from one side of the room to the other and marched me to bed. As I lay there in some pain I heard him leave knowing that my mother would come and make me better, she never did. As I said before me and my brothers never got along, they always saw me as being the favorite which I can understand because when my mom was nice she was really kind but I think that was more out of guilt for the bad stuff. Money was always a problem and I still say today that there was no way my parents should of ever kept me, the main reason for that is they couldn't even afford to clothe me let alone feed me. Another tale was one night I was going to bed and I was starving, I asked my mother for something to eat and she said all we had was one slice of bread, I was more than happy with that, one slice of bread and butter ment one night of sleep without pain in my stomach, as I walked upstairs my brother slapped it out of my hand and onto the floor, he started laughing as I started crying. A few years ago my brother asked me if I remember that night and why I cried so hard so I told him that although he believed I was the favorite I was in fact always the last one looked after which included food, even today both my brothers call me skinny but they don't realise I never got the chance to develop the way they did. I'm sure that there were good times at that age but it seems that only the bad stays with me. REST OF CHILDHOOD Between the age of 7 and 15 was by far the happiest time of my life, that was for one reason and one reason only, little Lisa was born. A few years before my mother lost a child at birth which was very hard for her so Lisa coming along not only helped her but gave me purpose, something to live for, someone to protect and care for the way all children should be, yes I was still only 7, but I loved Lisa from the first time I saw her. Another big turning point in this stage of my life was my farthers parents died in a car accident which hit the old man hard, he was never the same after that and I mean in a good way, it seemed his whole attitude on life and his family changed for the better. So there I was happy at last, sure we didn't have any money, never took holidays or family trips but mum and dad had each other my two brothers had each other and I had Lisa, we did everything together I even got a paper job from the age of 10 so I could buy her food and clothes. INTO ADULTHOOD So you might think I've skipped a big part of my life, high school, first girlfriend, losing virginity, first job etc. But all that stuff just passed me by, see when I was 15 my brothers moved out of the family home leaving me and Lisa so she didn't need me any more, sure we were still close and I still loved her very much but she didn't need me so the one thing I had to keep me alive I felt I no longer had, that feeling of purpose, the feeling of knowing what im here to do, and I never filled that gap, all meaningless relationships, all friendships, nothing. Then I met Kerri and for me it was love at first sight, I was 18 and she had just moved here to be with her family, I first saw her at a pub for her welcome party and she was the most stunningly beautiful girl I'd ever seen. Of cause I never told her how I felt or even spoke to her for about 2 years after she came over, I mean you need to understand at the time I truly deeply wanted to die, I would of given anything for an easy way out but every time I saw Lisa I knew I could never do it. Anyway me and Kerri became really good friends, and yes I have always been in love with her, that was nearly 10 years ago now, in-between she has been married/divorced had a beautiful son and a number of lovers while all the time I've wanted to die. The reasons Im still alive is Lisa and the hope that someday I can find happiness and have a family. NOW I told Kerri how I felt the other day, the very first time I ever told anyone I loved them, I said I love you and I always have, she said she didn't.................I haven't seen her since. I've written this not as a reason to kill myself, because, you see none of the above is a enough to make someone want to die, and I mean really want to die, I haven't had the worst life in the world and there has been many good times I could of written about. All the people mentioned are good people, the point im trying to make and the explanation im trying to give is the fact that im just wrong, im wrong in so many ways, im incapable of feeling normal of being loved of living. I'm 28 now I hope I see 29.