My Life

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Pip28, Dec 2, 2010.

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  1. Pip28

    Pip28 Well-Known Member

    As I write this im 28 years old and live in an industrial town in England, I work as a technical adviser for a steelwork company and have been for 12 years.

    MY CHILDHOOD (upto 7 years old)
    OK who remembers being this young?, all I do remember is my parents used to work in a bar most nights which ment me and my two elder brothers spent allot of time living with our grandparents, this was far from the happiest time of my life mainly because of my brothers who saw me as the outcast but also the drunk violent old man and scared shitless mother, the earliest memory of my farther was one night when he was about to go for a drink (I would of been 5 or 6) he asked me to pass him a bottle of lemonade and before I did I took a sip, he then playfully took the bottle off me and took a drink, me being a child proceeded to try and take the bottle back off him spilling some down his shirt in the process, I laughed and tried to playfully run away, he grabbed me slapped me drop kicked me from one side of the room to the other and marched me to bed. As I lay there in some pain I heard him leave knowing that my mother would come and make me better, she never did.

    As I said before me and my brothers never got along, they always saw me as being the favorite which I can understand because when my mom was nice she was really kind but I think that was more out of guilt for the bad stuff.
    Money was always a problem and I still say today that there was no way my parents should of ever kept me, the main reason for that is they couldn't even afford to clothe me let alone feed me. Another tale was one night I was going to bed and I was starving, I asked my mother for something to eat and she said all we had was one slice of bread, I was more than happy with that, one slice of bread and butter ment one night of sleep without pain in my stomach, as I walked upstairs my brother slapped it out of my hand and onto the floor, he started laughing as I started crying. A few years ago my brother asked me if I remember that night and why I cried so hard so I told him that although he believed I was the favorite I was in fact always the last one looked after which included food, even today both my brothers call me skinny but they don't realise I never got the chance to develop the way they did.

    I'm sure that there were good times at that age but it seems that only the bad stays with me.

    Between the age of 7 and 15 was by far the happiest time of my life, that was for one reason and one reason only, little Lisa was born.
    A few years before my mother lost a child at birth which was very hard for her so Lisa coming along not only helped her but gave me purpose, something to live for, someone to protect and care for the way all children should be, yes I was still only 7, but I loved Lisa from the first time I saw her.
    Another big turning point in this stage of my life was my farthers parents died in a car accident which hit the old man hard, he was never the same after that and I mean in a good way, it seemed his whole attitude on life and his family changed for the better.
    So there I was happy at last, sure we didn't have any money, never took holidays or family trips but mum and dad had each other my two brothers had each other and I had Lisa, we did everything together I even got a paper job from the age of 10 so I could buy her food and clothes.

    So you might think I've skipped a big part of my life, high school, first girlfriend, losing virginity, first job etc. But all that stuff just passed me by, see when I was 15 my brothers moved out of the family home leaving me and Lisa so she didn't need me any more, sure we were still close and I still loved her very much but she didn't need me so the one thing I had to keep me alive I felt I no longer had, that feeling of purpose, the feeling of knowing what im here to do, and I never filled that gap, all meaningless relationships, all friendships, nothing. Then I met Kerri and for me it was love at first sight, I was 18 and she had just moved here to be with her family, I first saw her at a pub for her welcome party and she was the most stunningly beautiful girl I'd ever seen.
    Of cause I never told her how I felt or even spoke to her for about 2 years after she came over, I mean you need to understand at the time I truly deeply wanted to die, I would of given anything for an easy way out but every time I saw Lisa I knew I could never do it.
    Anyway me and Kerri became really good friends, and yes I have always been in love with her, that was nearly 10 years ago now, in-between she has been married/divorced had a beautiful son and a number of lovers while all the time I've wanted to die.
    The reasons Im still alive is Lisa and the hope that someday I can find happiness and have a family.

    I told Kerri how I felt the other day, the very first time I ever told anyone I loved them, I said I love you and I always have, she said she didn't.................I haven't seen her since.

    I've written this not as a reason to kill myself, because, you see none of the above is a enough to make someone want to die, and I mean really want to die, I haven't had the worst life in the world and there has been many good times I could of written about. All the people mentioned are good people, the point im trying to make and the explanation im trying to give is the fact that im just wrong, im wrong in so many ways, im incapable of feeling normal of being loved of living.

    I'm 28 now I hope I see 29.
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    hi and welcome. i'm sorry you were treated so badly during yoru childhood. have you seen a therapist about it? a good trauma therapist can help you deal with the abuse and neglect. this will go a long way to reducing your suicidal feelings. you are very strong to have survived so much. now it's time to reach out for some help.
  3. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Yes, you definitely need to see a therapist. You've got to talk that childhood out. You've also got to come to terms with your family, particularly your parents. I didn't come to terms with my mum until I had children and started to realise what she'd been through. She made mistakes which had a terrible impact on me but I eventually understood that she'd suffered from mental illness and got no help, she had an abusive husband and no support and she'd genuinely thought she was doing the right thing. You can forgive almost anything if someones heart is in the right place.
    You also need to stop beating yourself up so much. You've held down a good job and that's great, lots of people find it impossible to do that. You've also made friends, developed a great relationship with your sister, achieved all sorts of things.
    Now you have to learn coping strategies and how to come to terms with your past. It won't be easy but you will be able to do it.
    Sending hugs, xxx
  4. jnrmol

    jnrmol New Member

    Kind of know what youre going through. I, myself, have had a miserable childhood. Constantly abused. Different ways, different people. When I was 18 I got married to a navy man, 3.5 yrs later we had 2 daughters and he was cheating. I left him and went back to my Moms house. Tried to stay in the relationship but I have huge trust issues and knew Id never be able to believe him again. It was extremely difficult watching my girls cry for their daddy when they had to say good bye. He doesnt see them much. Has a new girlfriend. I went through a "loose" phase after the divorce. My ex was the only man I had been with and I felt that I needed to "enjoy" my life. I was just trying to burry my depression. I became friends with with a guy who's family is very close with mine. Long story short, we were dumb and I got pregnant. I wanted to die. I couldnt believe I was so irresponsible at such a delicate time in mine and my childrens life. I screwed up. I dont think I could ever forgive myself for that. The babys father stuck by my side and came up with a plan. He told my mom that he was moving me and my girls with him and we would get married. He told her he loved me and would take care of me. The only thing is, he isnt in love with me. He takes care of us all and loves me... but not in the way a husband loves his wife. Were more like good friends. I, on the other hand am crazy in love with him. We will only remain married till he puts me through college and when I become a nurse he wants to divorce. My heart is in a thousand pieces. Maybe billions. I cant bare breaking up a family for a second time so I am falling face first into depression and thinking of suicide every single second. Looking at my girls and new baby boy is the only thing that keeps me from going through with it. I just dont know for how long. Im only 26 and already a huge failure. It doesnt help that he also suffers from depression and can be very mean at times. He snaps at me. Then apologizes later. But the damage is done. Im so lonely. Tired. Hurt. No self esteem. I cannot bare the thought of going through this again. The pain of loving someone who doesnt love you is unbearable. So i Know some of what youre feeling. Let me know if the pain gets any better. Then there might be hope for me too.
  5. Pip28

    Pip28 Well-Known Member

    Hi Jnrmol

    The pain felt by loving someone and not being loved back is one of the worst things to go through in life, but for me I can deal with it simply because I know where the pain is coming from. It's the pain and sadness that i have alway's felt that I have no idea why that worries me the most, like I said in my first post I have always just felt wrong, I don't blame people for the way I have been treated I blame myself.

    I would just like to ask from your post when you say "Im only 26 and already a huge failure." A huge failure at what? life? if that is the case then ask yourself what success at life is. I know elderly people who have raised children in unhappy marrages and I would in no way call there lives a success, they are as misrible now as they must of been 40 years ago. You however have three children who love you unconditionally and are training to become someone who cares for other people, please don't allow yourself to believe you cannot survive without the person you love, yes it hurts like hell and is so hard to believe it can get any better but we both have a long time to go in life (Hopefully) and there will be alot more for us to mess up in future.
  6. jnrmol

    jnrmol New Member

    I guess I feel I have failed myself and my children. But I'd fail them greater if I kill myself. As much as I know that, its still so hard to be happy and to stop thinking about it. How can one person have so much influence over another's feelings? Its me. Im allowing it to eat at me. I dont think I fully healed emotionally from my first divorce so now I have the stress of 2 failed relationships at once. Im just lonely. I miss being embraced and made to feel special. I know I dont need it but who doesnt want that? Well, everyday is a struggle, but my children are worth getting over this depression. I want them to lead happy and healthy lives. So if thats gonna happen, I have to want the same for myself. Anyway, thanks for replying. Sorry you are lonely today.
  7. Pip28

    Pip28 Well-Known Member

    From the very little we have spoke i wish someone like you was in my life when i was a child, you seem like your kids are your life and i hope they will balance any negative feeling you have, I hate love i really wish I never met kerri cause i was fucked up before and meeting her only made it worse
  8. Pip28

    Pip28 Well-Known Member

    Also I think you are special because anyone who wants and cares for there children can only be special and should be rewarded
  9. jnrmol

    jnrmol New Member

    Thank you.

    I thought once I grew up and my bad childhood was behind me, I could lead a mostly happy life. Now everything is crashing down on me. I live with this man that Im in love with and he barely even notices me. Most times he resents me for being part of this dramatic change in his life. He wants to be single and date a bunch of girls but im in his way. Knowing this is so painful. I just wanna get outta here.

    Im sorry the girl you speak of didnt return the same feelings. I think we both need to value ourselves more. REalize that we deserve better than to be sobbing over people who dont want to be with us. I think since I didnt have the loving and safe childhood I shouldve had, has me looking for acceptance and love in another person. And when I dont get that love returned, its like Im 5 all over again. lastly, after this relationship, who's gonna want a woman w/ 3 kids? no one i know.

    Im sorry for writing so much. I dont talk to anyone about my problems so I guess im just ventinhg. I hope you feel better soon. Youre young and im sure you have lots of freinds to enjoy life with.
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