My Life

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Bipolar2andu, Oct 9, 2006.

  1. Bipolar2andu

    Bipolar2andu Guest

    I wanted to speak about my life as a way of helping me cope with everything. The hardest part is when noone knows, and when you do reach out to tell, sometimes noone cares (In my life that is, not on this message board)

    At age five, my mom locked me and my three sisters in the basement and just packed up and left us. Noone knew we were down there for hours until my aunt saw us peeping through the basement window crying.

    At age six, I was hit by a car and was slammed to the ground and hit my head (May explain why I am the way I am, I dunno)

    At age eight, my grandmother and uncle would put me in the basement for an hour or two (Imagine a jail cell, no lights, no water, etc). Then they would open the door, laugh and then proceed in getting a switch off the tree and spanking me until I had whelps up and down my back and bottom. This happen for many years.

    At age eleven to fourteen, my uncle molested me. I will not go in details of his acts, but when I finally told a family member, the cops arrested my uncle and then my father said he was not going to press charges, so my uncle was free to go. After this happen, my family on my dad side said they DID NOT want anything to do with me, so from age fourteen till today I was never allowed to be around my cousins, grandmother, etc, etc.

    At age twelve to fourteen, my grandmother and uncle forced me to wear a diaper to school each day as well as church. Because I had a very bad nervous condition, I had a bowel issue at that time. They would invite my uncles and aunts over and have me wear the diaper as they all laughed, pointed, made jokes and told me what a looser I was, a poor excuse for a son to my father, etc.

    When my dad remarried when I was fourteen, my step mother would always find a way to inflict physical harm to me (Either punching me in the face, the chest, arm, etc) and when I tried to tell my father about this, she denied it and told my dad that I was worthless, a S.O.B, a disgrace to my father. My step mother would lock me in my room for hours on hours before letting me out long enough to do chores in the home (Clean the bathroom, vacuum, etc etc). I was only allowed to go outside in the front yard ONLY and could NOT walk to the back yard or have any school friends over period.

    In school I was beat up, called names. I failed 3rd grade, 4th grade twice and was placed in special education for 4th and 5th grade. I only was able to make C's, D's and F's all the time. Had a VERY hard time doing homework, and ended up dropping out of school in 9th grade.

    I became suicidal at the age of seventeen three times and twice at the age of eighteen. I called crises intervention and they would meet me down the street and wanted me to go with them, but I ran off each time. I contemplated suicide all the time.

    I met a friend whom talked me into going into Job Corps. So in 92 I left for job corps but was then returned back because of gum disease.

    At age twenty, I developed a internal gum disease. All my teeth started breaking and falling out. I was taking over 4,000 milligrams of Tylenol and Advil mixed together in a glass of milk each day. I lost so much weight, I was down to 110 pounds at the age of twenty. My dad finally after two years of suffering took me to have what teeth i had left pulled out. The Dr. told my dad that if he would have waited a month later I would have been dead from infection.

    I went back to job corps in 93 and graduated in 95. I met a girl whom we moved in with each other. During our relationship, she had a bad habit of throwing objects at me, putting phone cords around my neck, etc. After a year, she moved her new boyfriend into the apartment and I moved out. My step mother said I could NOT move in with her or my dad so I was on my own.

    I met another girl via internet, moved there. We became only friends as we didn't find a mutual attraction. While working, the co-director for the company I was working for started asking for sexual favors. This happen over a span of eight months. He would say and do acts which I will not mention. He would tell me if ANYONE found out he would make sure my life was ruined and I would loose my job. If it wasn't for the fact he left a sexual explicit message on my answering machine, my supervisor heard it and corporate came down three days later, listen to the tape and fired him, HOWEVER, his boss came and told me I was a lying S.O.B, my life was over, and he fired me and had me committed to see a Dr. The Dr. placed me on ZOLOFT and I got a letter two weeks later from the co-director asking me how it felt to have a dead father, how it felt to loose my job, how it felt to have my life over.

    My father died in 97. During his funeral, my uncle looked at me and said I was the reason for my fathers death. I was a poor excuse for a son. I should be the one lying there and not my father.

    And thats when I moved here and met my soon to be X, whom has found another guy since. Of course I've been in the hospital once for attempted suicide, and seen an outpatient counselor for ten weeks - but you know, it hurts so much. When your family tells you your just crap, useless, they don't want nothing to do with you, your a failure, scum, etc. I just wish the pain would end. I wish so bad that I could just lay down and my life just cease.
  2. ACRon

    ACRon Well-Known Member

    I think youve come so far and dealt with so much, Its a testament to your character that your still fighting on. Were all fighters for common sense and decency, it really hurts that these sick people dare to mock and torment you, when by the sounds of it, its them that need help. But fortune so often has no justice where people conspire against you. Your still here, and no sane person wants it any other way.

    Be good to yourself
  3. Bipolar2andu

    Bipolar2andu Guest

    It's become harder now to deal with life than I ever have come across before. There is not a day I don't wake up and think about ways of just ending it all....have I tried? Yes, I have taken a knife and started cutting on my arm to help with the pain....but the more I think about it, the more it becomes so real to me that I really, HONESTLY, do not have anything left in this world anymore. Thats just me.
  4. ACRon

    ACRon Well-Known Member

    We've all been there, its horrible. Though I've never cut myself, Ive held the blade many times and thought about it without actually peircing my skin.

    What keeps me going these days is finding out more about the world, its origins and mankind. Thats my passion. Find yours. that is who you are. Your passion is a never ending source of energy. Why end it when you can explore it, thats what I think. If that passion weilds no happiness, you'll find another. what was the last thing that made you smile? explore it.

    I don't meen to be a hypocrite, Im just as bad as anyone when it comes to self loathing but I always find something to live for
  5. MariaM

    MariaM Guest


    In my family we have our issues but nothing like that.

    You had such a tuff life and even so you didn´t give up before. You´re alive and that´s a bless. At some point you´ll have to close that door of the past, and look at the future.
    You have/had an abusive family. Obviously that led to problems at school, you were severely traumatized (bowel issue).
    You haven´t solved all that problems yet. You need to deal with them. Talking here is a good way to start.

    Not just talking about the events but also the way you feel towards yourself , your family, people in our life... the hate, anger, fear, and so one... Expressing your feelings to come to a self awareness will improve your judgment of all.

    There´s a point of your story i didn´t get... did you use drugs?

    Take care,
  6. Bipolar2andu

    Bipolar2andu Guest

    I've never used drugs or got into alcohol. My dad for years was an alcoholic so I saw the torment and torture it caused.
  7. MariaM

    MariaM Guest

    My father is not an alcoholic but there was a time... many many years ago... he used to go out with colleagues after work to drink. He arrived home completly drunk...
    And i felt ashamed of him... and i had fear. My mother was able to solve this in a few weeks... that he was a family man, what example he was giving us (the kids),....

    Even today i don´t like to see my father drinking.