My lifelong battle

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Neverender, Feb 19, 2012.

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  1. Neverender

    Neverender Active Member

    Hi everyone,

    I am glad I found this forum. I'm trying to find people I can talk to about my condition and the things that I feel inside. Let me tell you about myself.

    I am a two time suicide survivor. I have been to inpatient programs and rehab before. I have struggled on and off with substance abuse problems for most of my life. I was born an orphan and I was adopted into and raised by a very religious family. Although I spent many years trying hard to be a Christian and fighting to keep my faith, I have completely lost it in recent years.

    My first attempt at ending my life was during my teen years. The second was almost exactly two years ago. I have done well for a while now wih keeping my mind away from that mentality but lately I have felt it creep back in.

    Two years ago my girlfriend of almost 3 years and I had a wonderful relationship together which was really pointing towards great things. We were talking marriage, children, I thought that life as a normal, non depressed person was finally here for me. I thought I had escaped. April 26th, 2010 she broke up with me, the circumstances of which I will leave out for now. Shortly thereafter I found out from her sister that my ex was actually two months pregnant with my child and that she had terminated the pregnancy. This tears me apart to this day. I can honestly tell you I was in love with her, and that to this day I am greatly conflicted between hatred for her and the shattered pieces of what was once love... Still is I suppose.

    I've also spent my entire life being conflicted as an adopted person. My adoptive parents were very open with me from my very early years that i was adopted and they never hid that from me. While the honesty is great, the end result was a 5 year old boy who would lay in his bed and cry himself to sleep every night, conflicted in matters of who I am and where I came from.. At that age, to have to deal with the concept that I had been abandoned by my own birth mother was difficult. I feel as if I've spent my entire life battling depression and thoughts that I'd be better off not being part of this world.

    From around the time I was 7 until I was large enough to properly defend myself, I had a much older cousin who molested and raped me. This went on for years in secrecy. To date, there are only two people in my family who know. Myself, and said cousin. Around the time I was 10 I fought back, severely injuring him and ending his control and his power over me. One of the few things in my life that I look back upon with pride.

    I list these specific things because these are the main things that haunt me. These are my personal demons and the events that are primarily what sparked the life that I've lived. I would not say that I'm at a point where I am in crisis, but recently I've been having difficulty fighting these demons. My sense of self worth has shrunk considerably lately. I moved from my old area about 700 miles away and presently am back living with my parents because it is easier to avoid suicidal thoughts and had I stayed in my hometown there was risk of encounter with the ex i mentioned. The new problem now is that I have no friends in this new place. Nobody to cknfide all of this in. I really hope to soon find some peace or something that can ease my Present suffering. At present day I have been recreationally using prescription drugs (painkillers) on a daily basis for an escape. The problem is, I can't fight these demons by myself and it is getting harder now to remember that taking my life is not the answer. I find myself with suicidal thoughts many times a day. I presently live a very lonely existence.

    If anyone can offer me a place to try to lay down the pain, right now I'm battling the thoughts of the ex girlfriend and the aborted child the hardest. I feel like I've spent my whole life in search of love and belonging.. And ultimately I do not feel like i have either.

    I know it's a long story. But thank you for reading and feel free to talk to me. Please do not be alarmed for me. I am not in immediate crisis and I am trying to be proactive before these feelings intensify.

    Thank you,
  2. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    hi Neverender.. welcome to SF's.. you have had some really rough stuff in your life.. can identify all too well with just wanting some true love to be shown for you now.. this hurts all the time.. do you have the funds adn capability to try therapy for yoruself???? that has helped me a heck of a lot and may do the same for you.. this websie has a lot of good caring people here also.. take yuor own time and see if you are able to find a niche for yourself in forums and chatrooms..

    got any questions about this place please just let us know.. tc, Jim
  3. Mr Stewart

    Mr Stewart Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forum, Neverender.
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Welcome to the forums..Neverender..You have been thru hell.. The first thing I would say is file charges against your cousin.. Have him arrested for rape and child molestation..He won't last long in prison.. Second is the hard one.. Getting over your girlfriend..Whats done is done..Theres no reason for you to keep feeling this guilt..I hope you make the right choices..You can always come here and just vent away.. Thats what we are here for to help you get past the pain.... Take Care!!
  5. Neverender

    Neverender Active Member

    Thank you folks for the kind responses. In the time since my first post I've continued to be up and down and battled these feelings. I really need to pull this life of mine together. I am still young... My lifelong dream is to go to school and study veterinary medicine. I'll mention on a side note that caring for animals in need has been one of the things that gives me some sort of feeling of worldly value.

    One commenter was correct in saying it is very hard to let go of the Ex girlfriend. The pain I still carry surrounding her and what she did to me in the end, some days it is beyond unbearable. I feel like I am stuck in limbo between wanting to die, and wanting to be defiant to the adversity i have faced and go on to live my dreams. It's really hard to find the motivation, because among those dreams were the dream that she would be by my side for the journey. To also know there would have been a child, it just kills me. I feel so dead inside because of it.

    My biggest challenge right now is insomnia. These late hours of the night are when the suicidal feelings hit hard. Thanks to everyone who has anything to do wih the creation and upkeep of this site. Sitting here knowing somebody will read this, relate to my story, and care... It feels good. Many of my friends don't know how to talk to me when I feel this way... They only panic and think the worst. They mean well, but they just aren't equipped for such a thing I believe. To be able to write these feelings down, and know that one of you reads it and understands me just makes me cry. That a total stranger would click this thread, read my story, and comment and offer support is a beautiful thing. Sorry that I banter here a bit, I'm feeling highly emotional.

    I'm presently two days off of the painkillers... Mostly due to lack of supply and not a personal decision. Trying to stay clean is very hard for me. Please keep me in your thoughts. I am trying to achieve sobriety and I plan later this week to start trying support groups for my substance abuse. One thing i do know is, if I hope to sort out my life i can't do it if I'm not clean.

    Thanks again for your time.
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