My Life's A Joke...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Anam_Cara, Jul 10, 2009.

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  1. Anam_Cara

    Anam_Cara Well-Known Member

    I shouldnt even bother posting this.. i dont know why i am.. random morbid curiousity how long my post will go unnoticed maybe.. im questioning everything... life, love, spirituality, beginning to believe that its all nonsense.. life, what a joke mine is, id be happier if i wasnt breathing.. i didnt ask to be born, and i wish i hadnt been would have saved everyone the trouble and burden of my existence...

    love, my entire reason for being here,or so i used to think, however im beginning to believe that i was sadly mistaken to think anyone could ever really "love" me as more than a friend.. ill die alone, miserable.. the person i love will have someone else, and ill watch from the sidelines for a while.. until it gets too painful to do so anymore.. perhaps the one i love wont notice im gone once theyre with their own partner... at least thats what im hoping.. when that time comes... i dont want to cause undue pain, i just want to be free of mine one day in the future...



    some things have started to look up, i could be out of my family's home by fall or early winter... thing is ill still be miserable, because ill be alone, without the one i love... maybe im a selfish bastard for wanting to be with them, after all who'd want to be stuck in a relationship with something as disgusting to look at as me... with all the health problems i suffer at the moment they'd tire of me, as ive tired of my own existence... it looks like i may face surgery and for me in my state of bad health the risks are tremendous, it could cost me my life...maybe thats why ive decided to opt for the surgery if its needed.. if i died in surgery it wouldnt be in my hands, or on my karma, it would be accidental... i truly hope that is what happens... i dont want to live like this, how im having to... going to sleep for surgery and not waking up would be a painless, easy release... i was opposed to surgery before, as i was deluded into thinking i had something to hang on for... that i had love waiting... i know thats a crock.. love... i have never been good enough for anyone, and i never will be... and dont try to sell me the line "theres someone out there for you, you can move on, theres love for you" i already know its a joke, for me to think i could be loved... its impossible for me to move on, and none of you truly know me.. not even those closest to me know me entirely...

    a certain member of my family would probably be dancing on my grave if i died... theyre welcome to... doubt it would phase them anyway, other than for them to complain about the cost of burying me... which he inevitably would, burden that i am, and am always reminded of this fact..


    im not online much anymore so no one needs to worry if i dont reply for a few days... nor does anyone need to worry that ill do something stupid, im a coward..
     
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I'm not going to give you a speech on love because I know how it is to not have it..My exfiance' was the last woman I was in love with and she screwed me big time..I have been living in total isolation since then..I trust very few people, two of which I met here on the forum..
    You should get yourself in therapy.. It won't cure a broken heart but it will help you to cope with your existence..I have been in therapy for four years now..I still feel that I am an empty shell but I keep trying to get by daily..Maybe therapy will help you build back some of your self esteem..Right now you are in a bad place and you need help, so lean on us and I bet you have made some friends here also..Take care!!
     
  3. triggs

    triggs Account Closed

    hi hun :hug: please don't go through with this, you're worth so much more than you think
    please reconsider and talk to us :arms: i'm sorry love hasn't worked out for you but there is hope and you can feel better :heart:
    life has many obstacles and you seem to be going through a lot at the same time but you should know it's so much better afterwards :hug: please stay and talk
    thinking of you :heart: triggs xx
     
  4. Remedy

    Remedy Chat & Forum Buddy

    I can relate well to your first two paragraphs. When life is difficult it's not unusual to question things. Something happens, it might not be major, but it can shake your foundations. The important thing is to remember who you are. Our beliefs and opinions change in time, but our inner selves don't. Love can be both beautiful and painful at times, please keep in mind there are many people out there for everyone. Many true loves. It will always hit you when you least expect it, don't give up hope. Where your lover is concerned: 'Change the things you can, accept the things you can't.' Does he have someone else? Or do you just think he will in the future? Have you spoke to him about your worries? You say some things are looking up.. focus on the positives! However small they may be, it's where you'll get strength.

    Family are just nightmares aren't they? You can choose your friends but not your family, sadly. If you ever need to talk feel free to PM me. :arms:
     
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