My life's a mess...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Ms_invisible, Apr 21, 2013.

  1. Ms_invisible

    Ms_invisible Member

    I don't really know where to start anymore...
    My life is just one big mess... I'm graduating in 2 months and I don't even feel like working... My dreamjob is something I never had the chance to study for, because my parents told me to study something different. I hate the fact I have to go sollicitate soon. On the other hand I really want a job to earn money and leave this damn house. I hate living with my mom. She's the most annoying person in my life rightnow. She whines about every freaking detail. Like a few minutes ago, I was a terrible daughter, ... why? Because I show her my pictures from my vacation now and didn't show her 2 weeks ago. I simply forgot to show her you know, she always asks me to show them when we're not at home, so I always forgot, now I bumped into the pictures and thought I'd make her happy to show her my photo's. Now I got an argue with her because I didn't show my pictures 2 weeks ago, but just show them now. This is even a big example, usualy she argues me over even smaller stuff. She can't stand me obviously and she already told me she wished i was gone when i was doing bad. She often tells me she should've got herself an other kid instead of me, because that child might have loved her and im just a mistake. But me feeling bad makes her have the worst illness ever... Everything I have she MUST have like 100 times worse. She's drinking every day and taking pills and tells me it's my fault. She either ignores me or tells me how terrible I am. Every day I must hear what kind of a terrible person I am. I live in my room for a few years now. Only go downstairs to grab food, take a shower or walk my dog. The rest of the day I live in my room with my pets. Last time she broke a door, and threw everything on the ground in front of me, she pushed me over and yelled stuff she made up which I would've said. She screamed for about 2 hours at me and then suddenly she said she was a terrible mother and told me to say sorry to her first and asked me to make up with her... She thinks the world is all about her, but she doesn't even notice the fact I feel unhappy because of her. My dad tells me how he wants to leave her so badly and he's tired of her behavior. Last time she pulled his necklace to pieces and hit him. She screams and goes completly nuts. When she's sober she doesn't even remember being that way to us. Lately I have noticed she doesn't even talk normal anymore, and she forgets EVERYTHING. Everything i tell her is forgotten. Usualy I talk to a wall when talking to her. I can't do anything right for her. And when I try to talk to her she starts snapping at me and shouting rightaway... There's no calm talking in our house. I remember her cleaning the floor naked while falling over in the soap... she went to sleep outside already and she fell on a glass vase which broke and her back was open wounded. She shouted at me because I wanted to take her to ER... My dad got home hours later and then he was upset with me because I didn't bring her there... About a year ago I got downstairs crying, told my parents I couldn't handle life anymore and I felt terrible... She was nice for ONE week, then she went ill and begged for attention with everyone. She skips work and acts like it's normal what she's doing. I'm scared to sleep with my door unlocked so I lock myself every night.
    And when I'm not at home, I'm at school. With my "amazing" classmates. I'm being ignored most of the time, and when they actually notice me it's because they need something. When they need a task or information or notes, I'm their friend. When they got what they asked me, they ignore me. They don't say goodmorning or goodevening... It's like I am not even there... They don't look up, they don't notice me at all. There were days a girl called me at morning, she calledme out of bed, because she didn't want to go to school with her bike and it as raining. I was like omg it's raining, ill help you out girl... I drove to her house, and took her with my to school. She was so sweet in the car, and acted like she liked me. Back at school she ignored me. Then there is this girl in my class who picks on me. She's bossing me around and when i do something in our project ( we are supposed to work together with 6 other students) she throws everything in the bin and uses her ideas. She makes me clean the dirt of the floor and she tells people how she wants to kill me for being around. I cant do anything right for her. One of my teachers told me she saw the girl is very bossy, so I tried to tell her what she did to me and my teacher said it's my problem so... I really don't like school anymore. I'm turning 23 and feel like I'm nowhere in life. I'm supposed to do what others tell me to do. My parents, the students in my class... An other thing which bothers me is selfishness in those people... Those I used to call my friends. I went to NY a few weeks ago for school with the students in my class. They never asked me what I wanted to do... And when I tried to tell them what I'd like to do, they said no we'll do it ths way, not your way! When I skip a day of school because im "sick" they notice im not there and tell teachers and message me to ask what my problem is and why they have to go to class if it's that easy to skip class... -.-
    I have no good friends left. My best friend who I knew for 13 years left me behind because she found herself a girlfriend and rather spend time with her then actually spending it with me. She doesn't message me anymore, and when I message her she doesn't answer me anymore. Only her girlfriend says that the girl is hers now and i should bug off... My other best friend stabbed me in the back. She started being friends with other people and since then I'm no longer in her life... She ignores me and when she comments on my fb it's always mean and "not her" you know, she has changed so much since she hangs with those girls... She doesn't want me anymore. Then I have those "friends" I see at school but hanging with me when we're not at school is terrible... They don't ask me to hang, and when I ask them they are like uh no have other plans but then they post on fb how they're being bored at home. I was invited for a bachelorparty a week ago. I have one friend who is going to get married but who i barely see. She's been most mature and honest with me, i like her, but barely see her. Anyway, her other friends made me watch their bags and jackets while they went to party with the almost bride... They didn't notice me, they didn't talk to me, they just talked when it really had to, and that was to watch their bags and jacket.
    What am I doing wrong to have no people like me? I always help everyone, I'd give them anything to be happy since I'm "anti-selfishness".
    Everyone around me starts having relationships, kids, a house, get married... I am having nothing at all. I don't think guys like me or think im pretty, but then again I'm not the easy going girl. I don't want a flirt, I want someone whose mature enough and who likes me for who i am, someone who takes care of me ... When I have a relationship my mom always ruins it. I left my last boyfriend because my mom made me do it. I want to move out so badly. Just be with my pets, away from all the trouble I've been through last months.

    I am just invisible to people... The harder I try, the worse it gets.
     
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    It sounds less like you are an invisible and more like you would like to be invisible to avoid the pain that those noticing you give to you. Your natural instinct to such horrible treatment is to try not to be noticed so only see the ones that are being abusive possibly.

    Your mother has a terrible substance abuse problem obviously. It is not you that is a problem or that she has a problem with - it is her own self imposed hell and you are simply too close and are getting burned by the same flames. It is so sad that you have had to deal with that and take the brunt of the punishment it brought about. But the answer is in front of you and very close.... finish school -- ignore the stupid project mate and simply do not do when she tells you to do menial things and belittles you. School is nearly done-- and then look for a job - any job in the world and get the first cheapest room you can find and start doing things for you. If that is continue to study in an area of more interest than do so. You are living in a toxic situation and the sooner and more distance between you and that situation the better you will be. You do not "owe" your mother anything.... if and when she ever EARNS the right for your respect and love through her own efforts then you may choose but until the effort and sincere effort is there and from her not you do your best to ignore her and get away from there- start your own life and give yourself a chance at happiness as soon as possible.

    Take Care and Be Safe

    Ben
     
  3. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    Ben's right. You can get away. Think about a self help group for family members of alcoholics too.