My little vent

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by XxCuBeZxX, Oct 13, 2009.

  1. XxCuBeZxX

    XxCuBeZxX New Member

    Well... where to start...

    Let’s start with my dad. He was, well, abusive towards my mum. He would cheat on her, beat her for “cheating” on him, cut off all of her links outside the marriage etc. My dad never raised a hand to me, except for the time when I nearly set the house on fire, but that was expected. But, he was always sort of ... off with me, y’know? He’d do things like eat all of the food and then making me and my sister feel guilty for being hungry, and then he would do the reverse and FILL the plate with food, and then scream at me if I didn’t finish it, he would always undermine me in everything I do and always told me he was ashamed of me because I didn’t become top of the class or whatever. I see him weekly, and he acts like nothing happened.

    He drank a lot, I remember standing at the top of the stairs when I was about 8 with paramedics in the living room because he drank too much... he gambled a lot, too, he left my mum in £100,000 of debt (this is including the £50,000 my mum got from my Nan’s death, the 4 re-mortgages, 2 houses sold and the £40,000 my mum worked off when they had a break when I was 10), and my mum always got so ill, because she had to work so hard (he wouldn’t lift a finger) she worked herself into a hospital bed numerous times and has strokes and fainting fits and all sorts. And now because of the recession, the £55,000 she’s still got left has just... she working herself to illness again... and, I just don’t know. She’s border line fucking suicidal! And there’s not a damn person in the country that will listen to her and understand that it’s NOT her debt, it was just in her name. And now, (thank you IVA) they want to take my sister’s car because she pays it through my mum’s bank account, which is putting her under stress, too, and it’s just... hard.

    And everyone takes my dad’s side, because my mum is “a bitch that cheated on him, and wasted all their money on haircuts and refused to get food in and bla bla blaa!”. And my two other sisters from my dad’s side won’t talk to us, because they’ve been told my mum’s a wicked witch of the fucking west who wouldn’t let my dad see them, even though SHE gave them their pocket money SHE got them their Christmas and birthday presents SHE took them on holiday and SHE had to fight for him to have anything to do with them. And now they just seem to hate all of us, I really think that they broke her heart.

    All of this is made worse by the fact if I hadn’t been born, mum would have stayed with him and EVERYBODIES life would be better, except for mine, but I wouldn’t exist, so I wouldn’t care. It’s just... I feel like... I’m killing my mum... I’m a bad person, and I can’t do anything for ME because I have to be successful because of all the fucking shit I’ve caused.

    Now, onto the bullying.

    I’ve always been the kid that wasn’t allowed to play with the other children, none of them would let me because I was weird (I was recently diagnosed with Aspergers, which explains that) so I was always alone... but nothing too damaging, I did have one friend from about half way through, and we’re still friends today. But when I went to secondary, I was bullied by, well, pretty much everyone, they all laughed. It went on for two years, and the faculty refused to believe that bullying happen in their school. And when it got to the point that they couldn’t refuse it, they made ME move class, and claim it had “just started” and they were “snipping it at the bud”... so now I guess I have a complex with authority figures. And anyway, when I moved class, the bullying continued, and was ignored again... but it stopped towards the end of the year, but then in year 10, when we all moved into separate groups, it started up and carried on until the end of year 11. So that affected my ability to trust people even more so. And now, in my first year of sixth form, its starting up again in my psychology class... and I’m just out of options, mums just got too much on physically, and the school won’t fucking listen! And my friends won’t know what to do because I’m “happy Michelle, and nothing can get her down, ever! Because she’s emotionally invincible and bla bla blaa!”.

    I’m just so tired. I don’t really want anything, I just want to be happy, but right now I’d settle for just being left alone.

  2. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    Honey, keep coming here and vent all you need to. The things that are happening with your parents are not your fault. The beliefs they have, they have had since before you were born.

    I can see how the experiences of life would lead you to conclusions that you're no good. I still struggle with that myself. It takes time to work through it but it is worth it.

    Do you have a therapist you can go to? Keep coming here and we'll walk through it with you.

  3. XxCuBeZxX

    XxCuBeZxX New Member

    I know it sound weird, but i dont blame myself. i think im at fault, techniquelly (sp?), but i had no control over it, so im not, y'know?

    i actually just wanna get on with it, but my weak self keeps dragging regually dragging me back to it. :poo:
  4. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    Keep posting here so you can get perspective. To get the big results we want in life requires us to do the little steps to get there, but first, we gotta learn what those little steps are.