My loneliness is eating me up from within and I'm done

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Fel, Dec 7, 2012.

  1. Fel

    Fel Member

    Hi everyone. I'm new here and I'm seeking some understanding I guess if nothing else.

    I've gone through all different emotional stages in my life, but fundamentally I have always been driven by love and not being alone.

    My dad left when I was a kid and my mum is mentally ill so it's fucked me up pretty badly I guess. When I was a teenager I dealt with this by taking drugs and was impressed by that kind of life and the people that go with it. But since I fell pregnant with my daughter when I was 23 it's changed a lot.

    Unfortunately I really loved her father at the time and he totally rejected me and left me for another girl when I was 1 month pregnant - which really hurt me and I had to go though the whole process alone and it's left scars on my trust and heart. Anyway, he was abusive and I let him abuse me as I have always had difficultly thinking that I'm a worth while person and that I actually matter!

    Anyway, trying not to bore you people too much with my ranting. Been in counselling on and off for years and when my daughter was born I finally felt happy for the first time in my life I had a love who loved me back. So I went back to school and tried to better myself.

    Since then I have dated sooooo many bad men who have all ended up being assholes which I finally will not take anymore, which has resulted in me being alone for 4 years this January. It's devastating really as I have spent what people would consider their prime lonely and depressed. Doing everything people usually enjoy together on my own.

    I'm currently studying and I am in part time work and trying to be a full time mother, keeping myself occupied has worked but it's now taking its toll. I can't even face family Christmas parties anymore because I'm so embarrassed of turning up alone again and looking and feeling like a loner.

    Not even my daughter is making me happy anymore as all I've ever wanted is someone to enjoy her with and the more time goes on the more I feel I don't deserve this loneliness. I feel so awful about this because the last thing I want is my daughter to suffer because her mother is constantly depressed.

    What is so wrong with me that I can't find someone to enjoy my life with. Do I want too much? I am an attractive, intelligent and witty woman and I get on well with people. I do tend to have trust issues but I can't seem to get any further with my personal life and it seems no one wants to give me a chance to know who I am. Everyone is so superficial and I want it all now I guess?

    I sit on my own every night and smoke weed as I can't bare the reality of being alone. I even went so far recently as to fall for my drugs counsellor and I had to pull out of drugs counselling as I didn't want my feelings to get stronger and I feel I made such a fool of myself ... Am I just going to get a crush on every half decent guy I meet nowadays? I'm not a desperate kind of person but it's gone on so lone that I feel it.

    Appreciate your time if you shave managed to bore your way though this :)

    Thanks Fel

    Just fed up and feel like what's the point if living if I'm always alone ?
     
  2. Fel

    Fel Member

    Was meant to say have not shave! Lol
     
  3. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    Hi.

    I think that you need to be commended on doing such an outstanding job: being a Mom; going to school; & working! That sounds exhausting just thinking about it... I don't know what to tell you about the guys and relationships other than to perhaps go into the next one with as open a mind as possible, attempt to forget the past & not hold any negative assumptions against them. If you're such a great individual it's only a matter of time before you find some else who is likewise, so you just have to persevere--everybody has their own path--& not ever give up.

    There's hope!

    I do understand completely the feelings of isolation and loneliness though. It's extremely difficult. All of those things you mentioned. I'm very sorry you're having to experience them, but just know that it doesn't always have to be this way... I wish I could give you some better advice personally relationship wise, but I've never been very good with girls, and so I don't have a lot of experience to rely on.

    Take Care & Good Luck-
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Your daughter is your light hun and no man can bring that kind of love to you You have shown her how it be strong and independant which are good traits hun. Perhaps it is time to reach outside your comfort zone and go to different places to meet up with people Do something different that may bring you a connection that has the same interest as you Take a music or art class or a general interest class Get out and just be among people i find doing that it takes the loneliness away some hugs
     
  5. Kat1211

    Kat1211 New Member

    I'm a single mom of three boys. It's so hard to find someone that likes you, you like them, and they like your kids. After too many rounds of shit from guys that didn't have all those things, and that I then had to find a way to get them OUT of my life, I realized that what everyone keep saying was true: it's better to be unhappy alone than to be miserable with just anyone. There are great guys out there, maybe try places with your daughter where others have their kids too. A park, little kid museum or stores??? My boys played soccer and I met other parents there, even if it was just other moms to share advice and talk about kids. Being a single parent is soooo hard, hope this helps.......Kat
     
  6. Fel

    Fel Member

    Thank you for your reply your words are kind and encouraging :)