My Love, I miss you so much.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by nowalone, Jun 2, 2010.

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  1. nowalone

    nowalone Member

    Her name is Michelle and she was my fiance. We were supposed to get married on July 10th in one of the most beautiful spots on Oahu. I'm from Oahu and she was origionally from Cali. She moved down here about 6yrs ago looking for a change. As for me I was hoping for some luck to enter my life. My whole life was filled with struggle and loss and I was waiting for my luck to change. Well it did. We met eachother 5yrs ago and were recently living together. We rescued a dog from the humane society and added one more to the house. I was so happy and really felt like my life was finally headed in the right direction for once. We were more than lovers. Much more. We connected on a level not many people ever do. She was my best friend and made me feel so comfortable with being myself. I couldn't believe it and was completely destroyed when I got the news that she didn't show up to work that day. I was working when I got the call so I immediately told my boss I gotta go check my house. I called her phone a million times and left messages all the way home. Got stuck in traffic and almost lost it. Then when I reached home that's when I saw the letter. I lost all control and started calling police, hospitals, family, and friends to see if anyone heard from her. I hate that day and everything I felt. The sun went down and the night felt so long as I waited for her to come home. Then I finally get a call back from the med examiner. I was in complete shock and remember everything just looking blury. I was speachless for a while and then I had to break the news to her dad in Cali. That was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. The harder things came afterwards. I couldn't understand why. We had just come back from one of the best vacation weekend in kauai. I told her how beautiful she was on that trip and she humbly denied me. But that weekend made me so sure that I was about marry the best thing that ever happened to me. She took her life on a wednesday morning. If I knew that would be the last time ..... Continue~~~
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I'm so sorry for what you're going through. :hug: Here if you feel like talking.
  3. nowalone

    nowalone Member

    ~~~Continued..... If I knew that would be the last time I would kiss her, I would've never let go of her. I would've stayed in bed and not have gone to work. I wish I came home earlier the night before. I felt so bad that I came home late that night before and I always leave the house before her. I gave her the regular kiss goodbye and put my pillow next to her like I did every morning. It's really hard to have no regrets. I honestly have a lot of them. It's been really rough these past few months. It's so quiet now. I don't have my best friend to talk to anymore. I try my best to stay positive but that's a hard task now. I just wanna be with her. I don't care when I die. I'm not afraid of dying at all. Sometimes I wish God would take me too just so we can be together. I have, lost my purpose. I have lost my future. What Now?
  4. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    :hug: I'm so sorry that you lost her, have you been offered any support for your loss? you cant be expected to go through this alone
  5. nowalone

    nowalone Member

    Sheep ~ I have a lot of great friends and family that have been there to support me but it's a different story when I am alone. I'm not the type to cry but since she left i've cried every single day. Sometimes really hard and other times might just come from seeing something that reminds me of her. Which is almost everything.
  6. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Hi nowalone......I'm so sorry for your loss.....I'm glad you have supportive family and friends.....
    if you're not coping well though talk to your doctor so he can help...
    I understand the pain you are in and I wish I could take it away....
    what you're feeling is normal with grief....your emotions will be all over the place and the only way to deal with grief is to go through it....
    keep reaching out to family and friends for support.....and to SF...we want to help you through this....:arms:
  7. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    i too am sorry for you pain your suffering your loss of your love one I truly believe you need professional therapy grief councelling to deal with such pain. Perhaps you are stronger than i. Let the tears come don't fight it okay and keep using whatever supports you have to help you through all this Glad you reached out for help here keep doing it okay
  8. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry for her, and for you.
  9. nowalone

    nowalone Member

    Thank you everyone!!! For your words. I really appreciate reading your replies as well as other stories posted here. I'm a new member and I thought of doing something like this for a while but never found the right one I guess. It just really makes me feel better knowing that there's a place that I can vent out my feelings and thoughts and get replies from people who truly understand where i've been. So i'd just like to say Thank You!!! For being here .......and for being you.
  10. deniston

    deniston Member

    That is awful, but you're not alone given the amount of suicides there are, families and loved ones from all over must be in a similar position to you. This is exactly what goes through my mind whenever I feel an urge to end it. I am pretty sure if I had no one around me at all, I would've ended it by now. Yet it is that thought that it would crush people's lives that makes me snap out of it. My biggest fear is if I continue without help, then how long will it be before that rational thought fades. I am sorry for your loss, but whatever you do, do not try to dwell on why she would do it, just think the agony and torment that she felt has now gone. You could also not have done anything, a person who is absolutely going to take their own life will rarely display any indication of their intentions.
  11. nowalone

    nowalone Member

    Deniston~ Thank you! Your words are true and I really appreciate what you said. Hold on to that thought always. I think of ending my life often and much more recently but I know how much I hurt now. I don't ever want to put anyone in my position and that's exactly what would happen if I actually did take my own life. This is one of the most hurtful and real feelings anyone could ever experience in this life and to place this hurt on others we love, afterr all we know, would be worse than the death of our lost loved ones. Instead let us leave death up to the one who created us.
  12. deniston

    deniston Member

    I agree, death is life's natural limit, it comes to us all. I don't think any less of a person for taking their life, it is theirs to take and the mental torment in life can become so overwhelming that one second between life's torment and death's nothing is appealing. I just feel that everything comes and goes, the pain today won't last forever, nothing does. In the case of your pain, it may take a long time, but it will subside, it will become memory and the once a day thought will become once a week, a month and so on. It is hard to imagine it, but that is how the brain works, the only problem is how long it can take to reach that. This is where suicide becomes very appealing. We live in the present and view everything as limitless at that moment, so we can't imagine the pain ever going, but it does, it falls victim to time as everything else.
    The best thing you can do is what you're doing now, imagining how you're feeling to how a loved one would feel if you ended it, you have first hand experience, however negative that is. The unfortunate positive is that how many suicidal people if in your position, would feel very different about taking their own life when shown how the fallout affects many others.
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