I've been thinking about you a lot today, Cathy. After all these years, I still think about you, and there is days when I even blame myself for you feeling that you couldn't go on. I still wonder that if I hadn't said anything, would you still be here, would those beautiful children still have their mother. After all, our 18 lives had already been ruined, a tiny bit of justice wasn't going to fix that, but to deprive children of their mother, is probably a worser crime than he ever did, huh? I just wanted to let you know, that I DO think of you every mother's day, that leading up to it I still remember the day coming out from my bedroom and being told what you had done. I still remember how much I cried and how much I kept it to myself that it was my fault, that I wished I could say sorry for ruining your perfect little world, and your perfect children's lives. I'm so sorry. More than you will ever know. Shaun, So many words could be said about how much I miss you, about how these past four years feels in condtradiction, like we just lost you yesterday, and sometimes a lifetime ago. But, I think you already know all that. I have a feeling you're watching down on us, especially him. Thank you for whatever memory and light you shone down on him to help him become well again, and to stay out of that place. Thank you for everything you gave us, and left with us when you couldn't stay. Thank you for that dream, I re-read my written recollection of it this morning. Thank you for letting me say goodbye and causing me one last smile like you always could. Thank you for the memories, the laughs, the tears, the thoughts, and the pain. Seems strange that I thank you for the pain, but I do. Because it made me realize how much I really needed you all those times and tried to be strong and you could see through me like glass. It made me realize I loved you much more than I knew until we had lost you. I wish I could turn back the time and tell you these things, among others that we both know I need to say. I miss you, I love you, I will never forget you. "Even when I'm really smiling". Chris, I don't know if this is too soon for me or not, so I will make this short. I love you with all of my heart. Please take care of Boo when he arrives to the gates along with you all. Please know that I think about you everyday, and that I love you with my mind, my heart, and being. I miss you. Hailie, jeez. What can I say that would make you forgive me? Absolutely nothing. Just know that I will regret letting you go for the rest of my life, and that I'm trying to do right by you in your memory. I love you, princess. We will meet at the bridge again someday. Until then, I have to watch out for just a few more babies so we can all be together. My darling, beautiful children. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you. That I don't count the ages you all will be, that I don't count the blessings that gave you to me in spite of so much darkness. I wonder what you would look like now. What you would sound like. Could you write like me? Sing like your papa? Would you be a leader, or a humble follower? Would you create for the world, or raise a family? All these and more. I miss you all so much. Everyday, and every turn of the clock. I love you. Watch over your little cousin until I get there. I'll hold you all in my arms sooner than you know it. To the person who I never met, but I'm sure will know who they are anyway, thank you for all that you did for me. For pulling me out of dark places when I felt like I couldn't feel any more lonely. Thank you for not only leaving your mark on this world, but in my mind, heart, and memory forever. For showing us that there is a way through the violence, the poverty, and the destruction that we ourselves, cause. For giving love to those you only met in a moment of time, whether through your smile, your words, or your love. Thank you for showing me that there was a light at the end of the tunnel after everything that happened and that I could be me own person again. The world will always miss you, the world will always love you. One day I hope to thank you in more than just my own words, but my spiirt, for all that you've done for me, and for others. For helping us finally see that we could keep our head up and there would be changes. I hope you're looking down on us now, and smiling. My dearest Jo, I think about you often, and I hate to say that it's not everday. I know you wouldn't want me to lie. Please know that I love you now, just as much as I did in life. I will always cherish your smile, and I'm sorry I didn't keep my promises. To see you in your last days, or that I wouldn't still be here now that I'm almost 24. I will promise you and swear to you, that I am trying, but I know when you're looking down on me, that you see that. I love you, and miss you. When my promise is finally forfilled, I will be able to make you the other one you made me. The lights will go out one day, though in my heart, yours never will. Mr. White? Michael? What can I say, you saved my mother. You saw something in her that I just haven't seen yet. I'm afraid I never will. My father respected you, which I'm sure you know was rare. My heart swells with appreciation when I remember all you did for me and my family. How much you tried to help others, and how much you gave your all to. I am so sorry I did not turn out to be the bright girl you once knew and thought would always stay. I've made some mistakes that I will regret for the rest of my life, and I will spend the rest of my life making up to it for you. You are the only one I ever really trusted, and that I ever respected. YOU are the reason I still have hope for the world. Because there are some out there who care for the down-trodden and depressed souls of this world. I saw that in you, and I will never forget it. Thank you. Aunty Flora. I am so sorry I failed you. I am so sorry I turned out to be the person you wished your grandniece never married. I am so sorry I have almost forgotten you, and yet I am so sorry I'm selfish enough to still miss you. --- I wrote these to send a forever message to those I have loved and lost. It's all in one post and yet there are so many more than that. However, these were the most important ones that touched and left my life so soon before their times.