My love passed away, I want to follow him

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Laivindie, Sep 4, 2007.

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  1. Laivindie

    Laivindie Member

    Firstly, please, sorry for my English I am from the Czech Republic and so it is a little complicated to describe my suffering in foreing language.
    My first sadness I remember at my sisth year of my life when I found out by myself that my father is not my own, he lest me and my mother I didn't see him two years. He was alcoholic and I remember just the bad thing about him (as usual) but anyway we found a way to be together and I learnt to love him again like in my childhood. He killed himself before two years (17.6. 2005). It was very hard especially for my mother because she still loved him. However I was sad I managed it very well because of my mother. I still live for her and my step-sister.
    Long time I was alone. Without friends, ugly and stupid. When I was about 10 I was standing on the ledge of a window but still there remained a small hope.
    25.8. 2006 I found him. He was so beautiful, so gentle but so sad. He was 22 and he had a child and three attemps at suicide after him.
    He looked absolutely like my dead father. I loved him to death. Many times he was saying goodbye to me, saying he couldn't live anymore but everytime I saved him.
    Our last weekend we argued very much because of my stupid jealousy. On saturday morning it was the last time when I saw him sleeping like sweet baby. Fortunately we became reconciled in Monday of 16.4. 2007, he had a orange t-shirt-the sweet smell- I will never forget it!
    Next day he didn't come to me, he didn't answer the phone. Only one message was sent to me...I didn't go to him, he was calling me for a help. I didn't believe him. In the evening I was calling to his mother if he is at home...he didn't returned at home whole night. I was raining.
    In the morning 17.4. I went to the place where he had tried to kill himself before. I was looking for him there in the forest lying, I was calling his name but I knew in my heart...
    I found him hanged
    I cannot wipe out this view!His hands, his hair over the face...His mother broken down.
    Now I live only for my mother because she would die without me!
    Only one thing I wish is not to die but just disappear from world, from minds of people who like me. I don't want to make people sad like now I am. But on the other hand I don't want to live...

    I took a scissors,
    My hair fell on the floor.
    Without your caress
    I don’t need them anymore.

    I took a knife,
    Last tear fell on the floor.
    I stroke blind my eyes
    Cause I don’t need them anymore.

    I took a fire,
    You left me, closed the door.
    I burned my hands
    I don’t need them anymore.

    I stood upon the edge of a bridge,
    I thought I would fly,
    But you cut my wings
    I am going to die.
  2. immure

    immure Account Closed

  3. Cricket31

    Cricket31 Active Member

    Wow I am very sorry to hear that. The closest person I have ever lost to suicide was one of my cousins who lived with me for 6 months. I was 14 years old at that time. It was very hard for me to overcome the thought that he was no longer with us anymore. Right now my mother is the only thing in my life keeping me alive too. She is like everything to me. I have no gf, no love of my life, still a virgin and I get days where my life feels as if its going nowhere. How pathetic is that! I did this to myself so I guess I am getting what I deserve in the end.
  4. Trip the Dark fantastic

    Trip the Dark fantastic Well-Known Member

    The loss of your lover must appear like a cruel echo from the past, bouncing off the walls where your memories are stored. Losing your father was a traumatic event in your life, having to cope with the loss of your partner is likely to reinforce feelings of shock, grief, anger, desperation, maybe unreloved issues and more.

    I'm sorry, I'm really sorry that you had to see your partner the way he chose to leave this reality. I want you to understand that you are going now through a process of grieving . You have suffered a traumatic event, which has thrown your emotional universe in a state of chaos. You have the right to grief, to be sad, to be angry, to be sky high one moment and desperately sorry for yourself the next. This is not the time of denying your feelings. 'I have to be strong for myself and others' has no place at this stage.

    And yes, as desperate as you might have been when you wrote: " thing I wish is not to die but just disappear from world, from minds of people who like me. I don't want to make people sad like now I am. But on the other hand I don't want to live..." this is were you are right now, this is you, your sorrow, your inability to simply function in the face of the incomprehensible. And how could you?

    No, it it not common to loose ones father to suicide, nor is it usual to see a lover hanging from a tree and having this image tattooed into ones soul forever... But you have and that's where you are. If ever there was/is a time to take care about yourself, your very essence and acknowledge your limitations of coping with a loss; It is now!

    You wrote about 20 lines about what has happened, 1 poem to set thoughts free and only 2 lines how you really feel.... Time to reverse this. Your feelings are now your guardians towards closure, the rational mind has done its job.

    People have written inspired and true words about coping with loss. Here are some you might find useful in your journey,

  5. JustWatchMeChange

    JustWatchMeChange Well-Known Member

    That must have been terrible. I am so sorry for your loss. If you ever need to talk you can msn me at
  6. Laivindie

    Laivindie Member

    Thank you so much for so long reply!!You words are kind...I know I have to go on because of the others, but I feel like in prison. I miss him so much that I cannot think about anything else. I remeber every small detail when we were together, memories are not enough...I need him!!My life was nothing untill I met him. And so it is now-nothing!
  7. JustWatchMeChange

    JustWatchMeChange Well-Known Member

    We are not nothing. My life was so great. But it was a joke. When my wife said I love you she meant I love the money you make. Now I can't even do that. I hate this life. Why did she try to kill me. But I have to go on. I must cause we are not nothing.
  8. Trip the Dark fantastic

    Trip the Dark fantastic Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry that you feel trapped. Based on your posting, you not only have to take care about yourself, but others (your family, the mother of your partner...)as well. This is not an ideal situation for you, your ability and your strength to cope with your loss.

    I don't think your life is defined by finding someone, who suddenly makes you a whole again. You write
    That is unlikely so. You have always been a whole human being; imperfect -maybe, constantly looking for something - yes, looking for love, for the special someone - definitely....and so do I and pretty much the rest of human kind. What we are not, is one half looking for another half to make a us two halfs. Two halfs in perfect harmony, two halfs in perfect understanding...It simply doesn't exist. We have always been a 'whole' of one colour, looking for a 'whole' of another colour to paint clouds in rainbow colours...

    Your partner has gone, but he didnt take a half of you with him. You are now a vulnerable 'whole', having to cope with loss, grief and, and, and...

    Where do you think you are in the process of dealing with it?
    Shock? denial? Anger? Guilt? Sadness? Acceptance?

    I am certain you need to implement now a few practical steps. Firstly you need to break free from this prison
    It saps strength, you very likely take on the grief of others too. This is strength which you haven't got at this stage.

    Is there a space and opportunity to talk with outsiders (not your family !) about it ? Can you cry some place? Do you get plenty of rest to recharge yourself? Can you talk to someone who you trust and who is able to just hold your hands, without passing judgement? Do you fight or allow your feeling to surface?

    I am certain, that after an initial shock, we can pick ourselves up again. But we need to create opportunities to do so. I urge you to be active, to seek actively help, if you don't you might never know, what help could be available to you. No grief is forever. Like everything else on this world, it is bound to change. The intensity of your grief today will not be the same as in 2 weeks.

    All you need to take care of, is that your change is towards a calmer, more independent 'you'.
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