my love

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by MourningAngel, Nov 4, 2010.

  1. MourningAngel

    MourningAngel Well-Known Member

    a few days ago i lost someone who was very dear to me.

    to make this clear at the beginning: i'm talking about my horse; the title is 'my ove' because i sometimes call him the love of my life.

    i grew up with him and when my depression made me push everyone, including my parents and brother, away from myself i always held him close, i needed him to help me escape my depression and my at that time not so nice life for a while, he kept some kind of balance in my life
    long story short: he was the closest one to me and helped me through hell itself, stood by me whenever i needed him
    for a long time he was my only shimmer of light, of hope

    now he's gone

    the day the vet came i stayed with my horse for an hour after everything was over, i couldn't make myself leave him. my mum had to practically tear me away from his body. i could feel him get cold but i knew if i left him then that i'd leave him for the last time. i cried the entire time and only calmed down for the tiem i sat next to him telling him he'S fine now and that the pain is finally over forever.

    once i was at home again i was calm. since then i didn't cry, i don't feel overly sad, my depression didn't get worse again as expected, i'm merely a bit more sensetive than i usually am.
    i'm scared of myself. why aren't i grieving for the one who kept me alive all those years, who showed me how to love and trust even through my depression? who stood beside me even as i pushed everyone else away and broke and fell deeper and deeper? i don't understand.
    i was scared to grieve because of all the pain it would bring but i was/am also scared of the pain that will come if i just push it all aside, bottle it all up.

    i want to grieve, i owe him that but i don't. why don't i? i love him so much and yet i don't grieve... why?
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I am an animal lover too, so I truly understand your loss...very sorry...J
  3. Juliaa

    Juliaa Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm sorry you've lost something so dear to you.
  4. MourningAngel

    MourningAngel Well-Known Member

    it finally sunk in, he's gone
    now i'm grieving
    i'm falling deeper into my depression again, i'm having problems with getting anything done again
    i just hope i can pull through
  5. The Thanatos

    The Thanatos New Member

    You raise such a good question. My dogs got run over in February & I was a mess for a day, but after that, the extreme pain was still there. I just didn't weep. I think I wanted the pain to go away so I tried not to think about them. A defense mechanism?

    As the months passed by, I would tear up a lot thinking about them, but would not allow myself to weep.

    I asked myself: Is it better to forget their memories and be less in misery or is it better to remember them and fully feel the pain day in and day out?

    I don't want to forget, but I don't want the pain.

    Maybe we can't have it both ways.