a few days ago i lost someone who was very dear to me. to make this clear at the beginning: i'm talking about my horse; the title is 'my ove' because i sometimes call him the love of my life. i grew up with him and when my depression made me push everyone, including my parents and brother, away from myself i always held him close, i needed him to help me escape my depression and my at that time not so nice life for a while, he kept some kind of balance in my life long story short: he was the closest one to me and helped me through hell itself, stood by me whenever i needed him for a long time he was my only shimmer of light, of hope now he's gone the day the vet came i stayed with my horse for an hour after everything was over, i couldn't make myself leave him. my mum had to practically tear me away from his body. i could feel him get cold but i knew if i left him then that i'd leave him for the last time. i cried the entire time and only calmed down for the tiem i sat next to him telling him he'S fine now and that the pain is finally over forever. once i was at home again i was calm. since then i didn't cry, i don't feel overly sad, my depression didn't get worse again as expected, i'm merely a bit more sensetive than i usually am. i'm scared of myself. why aren't i grieving for the one who kept me alive all those years, who showed me how to love and trust even through my depression? who stood beside me even as i pushed everyone else away and broke and fell deeper and deeper? i don't understand. i was scared to grieve because of all the pain it would bring but i was/am also scared of the pain that will come if i just push it all aside, bottle it all up. i want to grieve, i owe him that but i don't. why don't i? i love him so much and yet i don't grieve... why?