My loving mother

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by lost_child, Aug 24, 2007.

  1. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    I love my mum to bits, however I can't and won't ever understand why she LET them ra*e me and se*ually ab*se me, yes she knew, she sent me to "charlies" house when I was 10, she knew what was happening. She knew I was daddy's toy, and she done nothing, she saw things in my underwear and passed it off as my period, I was a child, not a fucking teenager.... 22 years later she wanted to know everything that happened August Bankholiday 2005, she asked me directly before then I was a stable person, well I had tried to commit suicide since 95 but I was getting by. I went on a spiral straight down, november 2005 I was raped, December 2005 I was can it not be me, they say I was vunlerable, does that mean men can do those things. I said NO NO NO NO and still he done drink was spiked, in December, so he made me vunlerable, I'm not vunlerable. I never asked for it..I'm not the person who was born. I'm so god damn tierd of fighting, so drained of feeling so alone, the past and death are stopping me going into the future I know that, but you think I can change it, I can't I don't know how to. I don't fucking cry and now my eyes keep going to and I don't want this. I don't want this life anymore I will take my mothers gift to me very soon.
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Lost :hug:

    As incredible as it can seem there really are mothers who turn a blind eye to this stuff. Often its because they fear losing the security of the family, I mean if you do anything about it then obviously you can't go on living with the bastard :mad:
    You say she suddenly wanted to know all about it, did she leave your dad or something around that time?

    The vunerable thing is because of the prior abuse hun :hug: its like every fucking shithead and perv hones in on the part of you that is still that little girl :hug: In no way is this your fault, but getting some therapy and working thru some of this stuff will help you not give off this vibe. :hug:
  3. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    ps: there really is life after abuse Lost..I'm living proof of it..get some therapy :hug:
  4. LetItGo

    LetItGo Staff Alumni

    What a scumbag, im sick of these so called "men". Ill never understand the drive to want to rape someone. I understand the sexual desire that fuels both men and women of the appropriate age, but jesus, sex with underage girls, seriously underage, wtf is he thinking :( unwanted sex at any age is just disgusting. Some people say what goes around comes around, I dont normally wish people ill, but if this guy hasnt suffered severely at some point in his life, I hope he does before he passes on...its called karma, its called natural justice.

    Im so sorry Lost this happened to you. Like Terry said, there is life after this abuse, its going to take some time, and a good therapist, please dont let this stiffle and ruin the rest of your life.

  5. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    I am in counselling I went this morning and its messed with my head, there's nothing worse then being ripped apart for an hour and then coming home to an empty flat realising just how alone u are and then trying to pull urself back.

    My mother split from my real father when I was 4, he was violent towards her and tried to kill her the last time he saw her, but she still let us visit him. I'm not sure what happened bank holiday weekend, but not long before my old man had been in contact with my sister saying he wanted to see me, but I don't know if that had anything to do with it sorry.

    i promise you I am trying to get past, the past, but the past is very much my present and its killing me with memories, the way I feel about myself, everything ..the way I react, the way I don't react. everything is what they made me and I can't live with myself i am what they made me, not the person who was born.

    I don't want to be vunlerable anymore, I don't want men to look at me and then do what they want, I'm scared every minute of every day wondering when it will happen again, its not a life, its torture.
  6. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    Nutter, I'm not sure that they will ever get what they deserve..I had the chance when one of them was arreasted for sexual abuse of another child after it stopped with me, and I said nothing and due to lack of evidence he was let off..if I had also said something like she did the outcome may have been different, if I had said something when it was happening I could have stopped this other girl being hurt..but I done nothing. I may as well hurt her myself cause that's how it feels.

  7. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Hun truly I've been there :hug:
    How the hell I held down my job while in therapy (had to to pay for it) I don't know :hug: but I did and 4 years on it was just like I let it go and I was free. Doesn't mean I don't get the odd twitch of it popping up to bite me..for one thing I don't have very good skills when dealing with threatening men and I don't mean the ones who would hit you..but the leering, leaning into you, touchy feely when its obvious I don't want it...kind :puke:

    While in therapy I took up a martial art..I tell you Lost would suggest it to anyone who feels vunerable and lacks confidence, just knowing you can handle yourself physically is an amazing boost.
  8. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    I've having to pay as well, so its not just emotionally they screwed me over but financially now as well....why is it we have to pay all the time whilst they walk around smiling, laughing and living their life, they took the last breath out of me and now they loving it.

    I'm sorry that you have also been thru this hell, you do sound much stronger now and i hope that really is the case.

    its mad that you mention martial arts, I was thai boxing for just over 2 years but haven't been for 3 months, I lost interest, no energy and no enthusiasm and just stopped going, that was back in may just before I was signed off from work...Depression has taken over my life, and I guess I've let it and now I don't know how to get control and my life back, I've been trying and tonight I'm going out for a hopefully just a quiet drink I am so trying to stay in the present and have a future but it feels like its been whipped from under me, and nothing I do can hold me in this world or ease the thoughts of dying.