my meds can start working any day now...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Morgana, May 24, 2012.

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  1. Morgana

    Morgana Well-Known Member

    i'm on zoloft and have been for several weeks, my dose was recently upped. i thought that it was helping a little bit, but now i don't think it is at all. :unsure: not yet, anyway. i think that i was just depending on other people for happiness again, which is obviously a shit idea since it isn't helping in the slightest at the moment. feels like i should just tattoo it on my forehead that i should never, ever tell people the depths of my mental health issues and the stuff that's happened to me. because they say they want to know, because they care about you, but then you tell them, and whoa, they weren't expecting anything like THAT, they can't deal with THAT in their memory, that's awful, so they start backing away from you...

    and it's not that i don't understand that because i do, it bloody sucks hearing about all of this, i know. of course, it sucks more LIVING it, but that's another story. :chargrined: but i wish that people would just...i dunno. stop me when i say too much for them. or not freaking ask because they don't really want to know. because i get so bloody hopeful that i don't have to hide the things in my head, i don't have to hide that i'm multiple, i don't have to hide this, that, and the other thing...

    well, nope, i'm pretty sure i still freaking do, and i hate it. and i hate being suicidal again. enough. seriously. i've been suicidal off and on since i was 9 years old. surely by this point in time, i can say enough already, can't i? nothing fucking helps. it will pass momentarily, i may even have a brief flash or two of happiness or at least contentness, i will be like "oh yay and joy, i am feeling BETTER!" and then life conspires to drag me all the way back down to hell again. i think it's easier to just frigging stay in hell, at least there's no false hope down here...i already know i'm a shit person and that i'm worthless, if i stay down here, at least i won't have people pretending to care, because you notice, most people ONLY care about if you are in crisis, it's like "y'know maybe if you were around when i don't feel like offing myself, i wouldn't feel like offing myself so much!" but of course, that makes too much sense. screw this.
  2. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    I see where you are coming from and know you need to talk about your issues them.People do get scared and not know what to say but is good you can be open.I have these probs too but find if i cant talk i will write them down then make something of them etc poetry song story.I know when you need to talk and have nothing it is hard but at end of day you are not worthless.Use your therapist this forum as well to vent as it does help and this is what these are for.I get like you do sometimes yet i do remind myself no one can see whats going on in my head so how can they understand.And yes you also cant go through this alone is where therapists do help.There are different ways but suicide aint one.Please keep posting here as you will find support also.Take care
  3. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    Medications are like band-aid's. They mask symptoms. Sometimes.
    Sometimes they repair chemical imbalance, but generally never the root cause.
    Only you can find the cure to the root of cause for the issues. People do care times other than when someone is in crisis, but more importantly... we must each care first about ourselves. In order to tell someone and have them truely understand, they must have intimate knowledge of what you're saying. For this, your best solution is a support group made up of peers who have gone through, or are going through, similar situations.

    When do you meet with your support group and is it helping?
  4. kristy1970

    kristy1970 Active Member

    My dr. finally found the right meds for me ... Lamictal for bi-polar... it saved my life and i'm more stable :)
  5. Morgana

    Morgana Well-Known Member

    thank you <3

    i don't have a support group...i don't even actually have a therapist right now. i'm getting my medication through the department of health & welfare basically, they can help with meds, but nothing else, the state cut their funding again. of course. :chargrined:

    finding a therapist in this city who can actually help with all that we've got going on seems nearly impossible, i've seen 4 people for actual therapy plus someone else for an evaluation, who was dreadful, but at least he got me approved so i could get medication, that's something.

    just...i dunno, i'm tired of all this. i'm sick and tired of feeling so down all the time. even when i feel happy, it's always based on someone else, but no one can be there for you 24/7, it's impossible...but even when i don't want or need that, it's like just looking at all i'm dealing with is "too much," even if i'm not putting it on them, even if i don't want them to have to bother with it, they still don't want to hang around, so it's like what's the point of telling anyone anything? what's the point of having friends? i can't see the point anymore, because i always want to be at least relatively honest with my friendships, but i can't if i want to keep them, it seems...i have to keep it pleasant and superficial and yeah, that's fine for superficial friendships, but that doesn't actually help me want to stick around...
  6. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    That really bothers me... because what you said is true everywhere. I won't say my connection, but I have intimate knowledge of the system and it seems that it is difficult for people to get what they really need. I feel like with all the money that the government wastes, they could put a little bit more effort into the mental health arena.

    Hang in there. I know that sounds dumb to say or to rely on... "hang in there," it reminds me of that poster years ago with the cat hanging from a rope with one paw and the caption on the poster was, "HANG IN THERE" :)

    To cheer you up:
  7. Morgana

    Morgana Well-Known Member

    that is adorable, thank you! :adoration::bubble: such a cute kitten. :3

    yeah, it is ridiculous, you would think they would want people to be more mentally stable and healthy, but nope, apparently not...i can't blame the people helping me, i know they are doing their best, i just wish that there was something else that could be done, too.

    and i feel pathetic, the only way we can feel better is if we switch, but then as soon as i'm fronting again, i feel like shit again. so it's really only a sort of band-aid solution. and i don't know what would actually make me feel better. i haven't the slightest anymore. i'm not in a relationship. i don't have any close friendships to anyone who lives anywhere near me. the only pet i have is my parents' and i can only see him about once a week.

    -sighs- i guess what i'm really just tired of is the hope that things can be better, that things can be different. the hope that maybe this time, i can feel happy and stay happy. or at least content. that i can stay feeling ok about things and life. but i never do. i always end up right back here, in the same place. it gets old.
  8. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    Keep fighting as you will find that niche that is happiness.Feeling down all the time does get beyond the joke i know.Try and find the things you enjoy even try and get out and meet new people take something up you enjoy so this is possible.Being lonely can bring your mood down also.Just some ideas.Take care
  9. Morgana

    Morgana Well-Known Member

    yeah, being lonely doesn't help at all...i had made a new friend in town, but he is spending the summer in another state for a job and also he assaulted us, so... :dry: a bit wary of people right now, which sucks. i wish that i could move, i'm living with my aunt, and all she does is emotionally abuse me. but no other option i have at the moment is any good, either, so... -sighs-

    i feel a little bit better today, which is good. more back on just feeling numb...but that's better than feeling so down, i think? hopefully i can just stay at this point, it sucks still, but it's better than nothing. although i do keep wanting to constantly sleep, which is annoying.
  10. Gimiq

    Gimiq Well-Known Member

    Id like to know, ive got tons of things I have wanted to say but like my first post dont come out righti dont want to assume to have the same reasons becuase it would be an assumption and like false hope its detestable.
  11. Morgana

    Morgana Well-Known Member

    not quite sure what you mean, you can say whatever you like, it's ok :)

    been feeling triggered the past day or so and now just want to give up...especially after seeing my parents and sister, they always make me feel worse... :( i wish i could just not see them ever again, really, but at the present, that would cause a lot more upheaval than just seeing them. bleargh. it's a constant downer every week. at least i get to see the dog, too, he cheers me up a bit.
  12. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    Yep feeling triggered and uncomfortable isnt an excuse.And to actually succeed in this would devastate them.Best thing is be succesful yourself learn how to get well be the one to be strong dont let their thoughts and beliefs bother you be YOU.True you are no 1 and always remember that and you can only make the person who you are.Take care
  13. Gimiq

    Gimiq Well-Known Member

    I dont really think thats true morgana but in any event... I guess just ignore my last post. so what upset you about being around your mom and sister?
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