My mess...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by sc01706, Jul 22, 2010.

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  1. sc01706

    sc01706 Active Member

    I'm pretty much just putting my thoughts into text so I'm assuming this will be a long winded post.

    I've been struggling with suicidal thoughts since I was roughly 14-15 and am now 25. About 4 years ago I devised a plan that if I hadn't improved my life by 25, I had my whole plan set in motion on how I was going to end my life on my 25th birthday. I'm still here not because I feel my life has improved, but rather because I chickened out.

    I guess it pretty much starts by going back to my childhood. Grew up in a large city of about 1 million people. I am an only child and have a small inner family. Only 1 uncle and 1 aunt. My aunt lives 19 hours away so I really have no relationship with her. I have 1 first cousins who I haven't seen since 1995. 3 of my 4 grand parents died before I was even born, my grandfather died in 1993 when I was 8. He was in a nursing home and was a little senile towards the end so I had no real relationship with him. To sum it, I really don't have a large family network.

    I moved from the city when I was 12 to a town of roughly 1200 people about 180 miles away from the city. The purpose of this was that my dad was retiring soon and didn't want to continue paying for my private school. When I lived in the city I had friends. I didn't go to school with them because I went to private vs. public, but was still able to make friends with the neighborhood kids. I had about 4-5 friends in my neighborhood. Not a lot, but enough to keep me going. I also had another close friend from a previous neighborhood that I kept in contact with, but lived out of walking distance.

    Anyways at 12 years old, parents decide to sell the house. My dad wasn't scheduled to retire till 2003 and this was 1997. I lived with my mom up north while my dad stayed in the city to work and came home on weekends. I believe this move was when things started to unravel for me.

    I got put in a new school up north. I was living with just my mom and my relationship with her deteriorated quickly. I know she was seeing a therapist but quit when we moved up north. I believe she suffered from depression but she nor my dad ever talks about is so I don't know what is going on. Anyways, she'd fly off the handle over any little thing. One time she couldn't find the paper towels and just yelled and screamed and broke dishes over it. Before with my dad around and my mom on her medication, this never happened. Being alone with her and her acting this way strained my relationship with her. I didn't want to be around her because I was afraid if I make some minor mistake it would set her off. I had to walk around my house on egg shells.

    Getting adjusted to my new school wasn't easy either. The kids were so different. I was a little chubby when I lived in the city. I came up north and the lack of friends and things to do led me to just explode into obesity. I didn't really get picked on for it, but I think it hurt my chances of making friends.

    To this day I struggle to make friends. In fact, I don't have any friends. I have one potential friend. The one I was friends with in my first neighborhood I stay in touch with. I've never had a girlfriend. I just don't know why I cannot bond with people and make relationships. I seemed to be progressing well up until age 12. I don't know how to be out going. My dad is the most out going person I know. He can converse with anyone. He goes into pay for gas and can spend 15 minutes chatting with the cashier. I wish the one trait I could've inherited from him wias his ability to just talk and make friends.

    I don't know why I can't build relationships. It's not like I'm totally shy. I just can't start conversations with people or sustain a conversation. At work people seem to enjoy to be around me. I don't have any enemies, but I just cannot seem to build a relationship outside of the workplace.

    I work now in a small office. Only 3 people including myself. The other 2 are mid 30's so only a little bit older than me. I get along great with them. They are make plans to use the one employees boat and go boating with another employee from another office. They didn't invite me. I just don't know how they are able to build a friendship outside of work and I cannot.

    The company is having a district wide party this Saturday for the entire district. I already made up my mind I'm not going. I know what going to happen. Everyone will be conversing and having a good time with each other while I'll be sitting alone sipping on a beer watching everyone have fun. I've been though this before. When I went to my cousin's wedding. Everyone was dancing and having a good time. People came up to be and asked how I was doing but I couldn't sustain a conversation. The same thing will happen at this party.

    Now there's the fact I do not like my job. This is my first full time job. I just don't like getting up in the morning and going to work. I still don't know if it's the actual job I dislike, or that I'm just lazy. My dad worked in a factory for 30 years. I knew he couldn't have liked that but still didn't. I've worked here since September and want to quit. I don't know if I hate the job, hate working period, or that my personal life is in such disarray.

    I make just enough to afford a 1 bedroom apartment and live on my own. I come home to my apartment every night at 5 and have no contact with a human until the next morning at work unless I go to the store. My apartment is a complete mess. I have no motivation to clean it. The reason I have this entry level job is that I slacked in school.

    In high school I had a GPA of about 2.5. Could've been above a 3.0 easily. When you skip class and don't do assignment and don't study, getting B's and C's is pretty good. I did the same in college. Had to go to a community college. Never bothered to take my SAT's or ACT's. Same thing happened in college. 2.6 GPA at the community college. Was able to transfer to some run of the mill online university and get my bachelors with a 2.7 GPA. I just don't know why I have no motivation.

    People say I'm still young but I'm not. At 25 I cannot go back and redo high school. I cannot go back and redo college. I was suppose to experience dating at 14. Not try for a first date at 25. How can I meet a girl and go out on a date at 25 when I have no experience in this? What girl will want to deal with a 25 year old slacker who has no clue about the opposite sex?

    At around age 21 I decided to lose weight. I lost 100 pounds and seemed to be on an upward tick. I still had my suicide thoughts but I had hope. I had lost all this weight, was feeling great physically, I at least had hope for the future since I was still in school.

    Now I have gained all 100 pounds back and then some. I'm bigger than I have ever been at any point in my life. This make me even more intraverted. I don't want to visit my uncle and show that I've gained all the weight back. I don't want to visit my cousins out of state so they can see how much weight I've gained.

    My thoughts were to move back to the city. The problem is, that costs money. On top of that, this area has been hit hard with job loss so who the hell will hire a 2.6 GPA slacker? What if I still feel depressed after returning? That's my last hope. If my last hope fails, I'm at the end of my road.

    Things aren't the same down there anyways. I drove though my old neighborhood this past weekend. My suicide plan has me ending my life in my old neighborhood. I was scoping out where. I drove by my old house and almost had a break down. My home was abandoned. Grass about 4 feet tall, weeds growing in the driveway, broken windows and destroyed fence. The neighbors house was vacant as well. It was completely boarded up, all the aluminum siding stolen off the house. The neighborhood completely went to hell since I left. This was just too depressing for me. Gun shots were heard off in the distance. At that point, I just sat in the street and looked how my neighborhood got over run with crack houses. I was hoping one would just come out and shoot me dead in the street.

    I keep thinking, if I were to kill myself in my apartment, how long would it take for someone to find me? I'm so lonely and have no one that if I were to kill myself, it could be 45 days before someone found me. If I wait till after I pay my rent, no one will have any reason to look for me, unless the neighbors complain of the smell from my rotting corpse. It's so sad that my suicide plan has me calling the police to report a dead body and kill myself before they arrive.

    There are times were I do feel good. There is the occasional time where I do have a long conversation with someone and feel great. That doesn't happen often. I know I can be happy because I've been happy before. It seems the depressing times are longer and come in higher volumes. My problem is I'm tired of being lonely. I'm tired of being miserable and trying to seek happiness. The one thing preventing me from killing myself is the fear of the after life. I think about death constantly and what happens after we die. That is the sole reason I'm still alive. I don't want to continue to battle weight. All I do is live paycheck to paycheck.

    I pretty much just poored out my life story. I can't afford therapy. Don't really know what reponse I'll get if any. This is really a last ditch effort on my part. My ultimate goal is to be happy and enjoy life. I don't want to die, but I don't want to live like this anymore.
  2. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Hi and I am glad you found us...I too came here as a last ditch effort ..wanting to die but not wanting to die if you know what I mean.

    First of all I am not a mental health expert but your mom sound more like a Bipolar that plain depression and that can be a lot harder to grow up around..the moods and all..especially if it was not talked about in the open so you could understand.

    As far as it being too late I have to say you are talking to the wrong lady..see I rebuilt everything starting at about age 27and I do me everything...I was almost homeless from drugs and a crazy ass boyfriend and now well lets just say I have three advanced degree one of which involved a four year graduate program so it can be done. Oh yeah my high school grades were not great as the last year I basically didn't go..depression and all. The point is you will hear more stories like this about rebuilding one's life if you stick around here I will will discuss it further but only in PM as there are personal details and issues i would like to keep private for now.

    I know it sucks trying to do the dating thing late in life as I too am trying to get a stinkin date at an age where all my peers are married with children and such. All i can say to that is there are others here just like that and it is also part of the depression and isolation we deal you feel better about yourself that part of life really has a way of falling into place. btw have you tried any dating sites? are you open to it?

    There are free mental health services in the US that I can turn you onto if you PM me. But suffice to say you have found a great place in SF ..i have made some incredible friends that I can talk to when the going gets rough and that for me has made all the difference in the world.

    I am not sure what to speak to next so will await your reply either here or in PM but please know there is hope and that you are no longer alone....

    Let me know what I can do for you and I will try my best to do..I have been there and know your pain all to well and so care about you...we are all in this together..Bambi
  3. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    sc011706, I am sorry that you are suffering so much right now. You are still young, however. Young enough to meet that girl in the some three billion women on this earth. You can start your own a family and your own clan. There is hope for you, hun. Don't hurt yourself, the world can be insensitive enough, without you hurting yourself, also.

    I hope you attend the office party. It will give you a chance to meet other people and practice y our social skills. Sometimes if you look around, you will find another shy person in the party and you can help them to feel more comfortable, and at the same time build up your self-confidence.

    Do interact with the people at work, and do go the extra mile to maintain friendships.

    Hun, don't lay down and die! Fight for you!

    You lost a hundred pounds, and that is not easy to do. It shows you have strong willpower, so you can succeed at what you put your mind to, if you chose to.

    I believe in you, and I know you can improve your life situation. You got through high school, college, and has held down jobs and supported yourself. You have also survived difficult family situations, so you are a strong person.

    I think that if someone dies in despair, they enter the next life at their lowest point, and has lost the vehicle to change that, mainly their body. So don't kill yourself.
  4. .Dan

    .Dan Active Member

    Hi sc01706. I'm sorry for your pain. If you would care for it I would like to give you my two cents. Let me start by saying i'm also a loner, my full family can sit at an 8 person table. I too was uprooted in 4th grade and sent to another school. I tried to adjust, and did so alright I guess. But I lost all my old friends and the new school already had their litte "clicks". I made a few friends, one that lasted a long time. But then when I went into the 7th grade I was moved to a different school again. After that it was just an immeadiate downhill slide. I had trouble making friends and keeping them. I became more and more alone. Now im 24 and I do have a gf, for now, but only 1 person I would call a friend. And I too cant afford therapy or even meds. And my mom is the same way. Ever since her and my old step dad split the whole family dynamic was shattered. My sister and I had to always fend for ourselves, she only provided the minimum, food and shelter. I know for a fact she was and is still suffering from depression. And it severely affected our relationship that we were both depressed. After our step dad split she really started drinking. The combination of her depression and alcoholism made for the worst living environment. I too walked on pins and needles when she was there, which thankfully wasnt too often. If she wasn't drunkenly yelling at me it was because she was passed out. Having to carry your drunken mother to bed, up stairs, and put her into bed at 13 was too much for me.

    In my eperience, don't make friends at work. Sure be friendly and nice, but keep it in the office. I think it would help if you found a roommate dude, seriously. You would have another human being around, and sometimes thats all you need. Not to mention you would save money. There are webites to help you find roommates, dont worry. You should work on your abilities to talk with people, and talk to strangers. Honestly the easiest way to work up your confidence up enough to a talk to a pretty lady is by talking to totally random people first. Talk to the old lady at the grocery store about apples, oranges, anything. Just talk to random people first to build up your confidence, people you might not even normally want to talk to. And try to get conversations going, and keep them alive. This will GREATLY help your socializing skills, I know. I'm sorry to hear about your struggles with your weight. If you can manage to make that first step towards working out regularly you will be doing yourself a huge favor. Once you start to shed some pounds you know your gonna feel better, and you will want to keep going. Then you'll feel mentally better and have more confidence to make that step towards finding a girlfriend. Thats not to say its going to be easy, but the rewards are just so damn good you have to give it a shot. Workout in your apartment if you feel more comfortable. Less than a hundred bucks can get you basic equipment to get started. I truly think that once you can improve your self image everything will start to fall into place. You will become more motivated to go after things, like higher paying jobs and cute women.
  5. sc01706

    sc01706 Active Member

    I have tried dating sites. The problem is, I live in such a rural area, no one lives near me. The closest match was 80 miles away.

    I still think I have some resentment towards my parents. It was an awful decision to seperate a 12 year old boy from his father for 6 years and completely change the surroundings. I spent the first 12 years of my life living in the city of Detroit, then we abruptly move 180 miles north to a town of 1200. I understand private schooling was going up and Detroit Public Schools was not a viable option, but why not the suburbs?

    I think I have such an emotional attachment to Detroit because that was the last place I was happy and didn't have suicidal thoughts. I always wondered how different my life would've been if we stayed or moved to the suburbs.
  6. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    Im sorry for your difficulties. I am praying for you. Please dont forget prayer.
    You know you really are quite young and i think there is great hope for you. First of all you have already beat the weight problem once you can do it again!!!!

    Also do you have 12 step groups in your area? Thats a great place to met people who have been through what you have and will have compassion and offer friendship. Great women there too.

    I think you can turn it around. We will help too. You are with freinds here. We send love and hope!!!! YOU will make it!!!! You are strong and smart and have been through much. You have character , thats harder to get than almost anything. You should be proud that you are a good person!!!!

    Write if you like,

  7. sc01706

    sc01706 Active Member

    Work didn't go well Friday. I'm on a performance probabtion thing and am falling short of meeting the minimum expectations. I have a feeling I'll be fired the end of this month or next.
  8. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear your situation is rough. Im praying for you and hope that things work the way you want!~~~~
  9. sc01706

    sc01706 Active Member

    Well I didn't reach my targets this month so it appears I'll likely be let go next month. How the hell would I expect to succeed in a sales position?
  10. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    Just do your best. Beyond that pray!!!! Hoping things are better,

    Write if you like,

  11. sc01706

    sc01706 Active Member

    Well I finally got fired Wednesday. Got fired for poor performance. On top of that, people from my office are online posting shit about me. The time off just gives me more time to prepare for my death. How can I find any good job when I was fired for poor performance and my co-workers think so little of me? I thought I had a good relationship with them, to only find out it was all an illusion. This may be one of the lowest points of my life.
  12. sc01706

    sc01706 Active Member

    This is why I can't socialize. The whole time I worked there I thought my manager liked me. Maybe not as close friend but at least like me. I haven't even received my unemployment determination and she's online calling me fat and useless. I'm moving away from this shithole and trying to start fresh somewhere. If it doesn't work, then it's time to end it.
  13. sc01706

    sc01706 Active Member

    It's been almost a month now since I've been fired. The job search is going slow. Who wants to hire someone who was mediocre in college and high school and got fired from my only full time job for poor performance. On top of that I'm waiting for unemployment to make their determination so now I'm broke and living with my parents. Nothing has changed there. Mom still bitches and yells about anything. I've gained 120 pounds and am bigger than I have been at any point in my life. My mom criticizes me everytime I grab a piece of food. I mean literally every time. I tried and failed. I'm at the end of my line. I'm at the point where I need to apply for food stamps. At this point I'm just a drain on society.
  14. Raphael1

    Raphael1 Well-Known Member

    hey I know where you're coming from. I live with my mom and am on disability pension. I have been struggling with weight too. I don't really get along with other people and the last time I was in a good relationship was when I was 11. That's the last time I had a girlfriend atleast. I'm pretty lazy and didn't do that well at school. Missed college and got a string of jobs that were all mundane. I have little money and no future. Life seems grime.

    But you know what? When you're going through hell. Keep going. The strong and right thing to do is take responsibility for all of it and change your life. Facing reality and doing the best you can no matter what.

    There is something you can do. There is ways to be happy again. Never lose hope.

    Hope is what gets me though my dull existence and bad experience. And hope is a good thing. The thing that will make you survive is optimism and positivity. Always look on the bright side.
  15. sc01706

    sc01706 Active Member

    After losing my job I have been living at my parents house and I'm near my wits end. I hate to say it, but I hate my mother. She constantly bitches and yells at everything I do. I tried to start losing weight again and lost five pounds. My mom asks why is my stomach so big and that I look bloated, all this after loosing five pounds. How can I get motivated to keep losing weight? I here my mom talking on the phone to her friend saying how much weight I've gained and how I have no friends or girlfriend. My dad doesn't do that. He just doesn't say anything at all. He stays in the other room and watches TV. I've gone a couple days of living in the same house and not say a word to him. I know he's fed up with my mom's constant bitching so he just checks out.

    It's been like this my whole life with my mom. I just got a haircut and all she does it tell me how bad it looks. Even if it's the worst haircut ever, why would a mother tell her son how bad it looks? She also just flips out at the drop of a hat. When I was 6 years old we were shopping in Target. It was a week before my birthday so I was pointing out toys I wanted for my birthday. This got her mad and she started screaming and called me a "little bitch" She told me to stay away from her and walked away from me. I would walk with her and she would scream "stay away little bitch" and all the customers were staring. She left me alone in the store and I started crying. A manager came and took me to the office and called the police. All this because a 6 year old was pointing out toys I wanted for my birthday. My whole life she made me feel like I was a burden on her.

    The only person I am able to bond with is my cat. The cat is the only one who likes me. When I enter the house he'll come running to me and curl up on my chest and rub his face on me. He doesn't care how big I am. He isn't judgmental and just and just enjoys being around me.

    I feel defeated. In January of 2009 I weighed 237 pounds. 2 weeks ago I was up to 373. I gained 135 pounds in 22 months. It is just a daunting task to look at. When i finally get motivated and get on track and lose 5 pounds, I get told I look bloated. It's just so hard for me to get motivated.

    Life is just too hard for me. I don't have the mental toughness to go through it. I just don't have to courage to pull the trigger. At nearly 400 pounds I'm not that far away from a heart attack. At this point I'm thinking what the hell just start eating more and hopefully by 30 I'll be gone. Sometimes I wish I would just die naturally. Take the decision out of my hands.
  16. Johnnyc

    Johnnyc Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry to here of your misfortunes.

    I feel you, I myself have lost my job, live under my parents, except I do not have to deal with an irrational mother, I am so sorry you have to live with that.

    I do not know if this is a possibility for you but how about going to community college and learning something new, thats what I'm doing. You also get a chance at acquiring some good social skills.

    Just a thought
  17. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    I'm not surprised you feel the way that you do about your mother, it sounds like a nightmare to live there.
    It does sound like she has some mental health issues herself though. Serious mental health issues at that. That's very sad and when you look at your own life, you're going to have to take it into consideration. There's nothing else you can do about it, you have too many problems of your own to be your mother's carer.
    You do need to sit down and work out what you can do to help yourself. I imagine right now this moment you're thinking 'absolutely nothing, I've already tried it all'.
    There is something that you can do though. You can acknowledge that you're ill and that you're in crisis, and then you can allow yourself some time to heal.
    Instead of thinking about employment and relationships, give yourself some time to heal. Getting out of crisis takes time, getting out of depression takes time. Added to which, you want to lose weight and that takes time. So, give yourself time.
    All you have to do today is stay alive. You don't have to do anything else. You don't have to think about anything or go anywhere or listen to your mother or do anything else at all. That's your plan for today. Tomorrow you can have a new plan but if you don't feel up to that, stick with todays plan. You can keep todays plan going as long as you like until you're up to making a new one.
    Beyond that I want you to stop thinking of yourself as a slacker. You might not have got the best degree in the world but you still got one. Loads of people don't.
    As for the dare those people say that about you online. Okay so you didn't do the greatest job you could have done but that's because you were ill, not because you're lazy. The people you worked with clearly have no sensitivity whatsoever otherwise they might have recognised that. Then they might have helped you.
    I work in an office and I would never have allowed you to fail your probation without trying to help you in some way. It's very sad that you've been let down by people who were supposed to be your colleagues. They obviously don't understand the full meaning of teamwork.
    I don't want to say anymore because I think that you're in a place where you're really overwhelmed at the moment. Allow yourself the time to heal, that's all you have to do today.
  18. sc01706

    sc01706 Active Member

    I've already taken about every class I could at my community college and never met anybody. In a town of 1000 people, where are you going to meet them?

    The other day I went to Kohls and Old Navy. Two years ago I was able to buy clothes there. Now all their pants are 5 sizes too small and shirt about 2-3 sizes. The Old Navy was closing and they had some corduroy pants on clearance. Regular $40 on clearance for $10 plus an additional 75% off. I love corduroy pants for some reason. They were my exact size 2 years ago. They had two left. It was so depressing to think I used to be able to wear these. I decided to buy them anyways. I'm hoping in about 12-18 months I'll be able to wear them.
  19. sc01706

    sc01706 Active Member

    I just don't know why I don't have any motivation to do anything. I hate living here but I haven't even really looked at even getting a job. Physically my health seems to be deteriorating. I get headaches often, I know I have high blood pressure because sometimes I can feel my heart beat elevated and I haven't done anything, and when I sleep I wake up about every 2-3 hours and just never get a good night sleep. On Christmas Eve I had a headache so I just stayed in my room most of the day and my mom bitched about that. On Christmas Day she talked to her friends and told them how miserable my father and I are making her life. She's on the phone in the other room and you can hear her perfectly fine. I'm not sure if she thought I couldn't hear or didn't care if I did hear. I feel like I'm bullied at home. Such the stupidest thing can start her yelling and slamming doors and throwing things. I don't think people understand how I literally have no one. No brothers or sisters, one aunt who lives in Florida who is my mom's sister and shares a lot of similar characteristics, and one uncle. I have no family. My uncle's wife after over 20 years wrote a letter to my mom telling her basically how awful she is and that she isn't welcomed in her house (Though me and my dad are) even though I pretty much agree with everything she wrote in the letter, it's still disgusting that she went 20 years being two faced and pretending to like her. I always think now what does she think of me? How can I trust her? After what my aunt has done to my mom and my former co-workers done to me, how can I trust anyone?
  20. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    I'm sorry that things haven't improved for you and hope that you'll be able to find some companionship here at least. You are very welcome to pm me if you ever need to talk.

    It's because you're in a deep depression. You probably need some meds and therapy to help you out of it. Would it be possible for you to see a doctor?
    Again this is the depression. This is what it does to you. You're not in any condition mentally to get another job even though the routine of having a job would probably help enormously. Have you thought about doing any voluntary work? Perhaps you could work at an animal shelter or something?

    Your mother is clearly screaming for attention but as I said in my earlier post, you're not in any state to be your mother's carer. You need to concentrate on you now. If you can't ignore her, then you're going to have to try and talk to her but that might be too difficult to do. I'd be tempted to ask her why she doesn't leave if you and your father are so bad?

    You are being bullied and as with any bully the only way to stop it is to stand up to them. You might not be in the right frame of mind for that though. You should find someone to talk to so that you can at least get 'the rant' out of your system. Post on here, it will help.

    This is clearly something that upsets you a great deal but if you think about it lots of people don't have any family. They 'make' their own family from friends etc. I think that you also have it in your mind that if you had family then there would be someone to help you but that's not necessarily true. I'm the youngest of six children but we couldn't help each other, we were all too screwed up.
    You need to stop and think about this. Your aunt probably wasn't being two faced. It probably took her 20 years to get up the courage to write the letter. Especially since it concerns an in law and not direct family. You need to cut your aunt some slack on this one. It takes a lot of bravery to confront a family member with their bad behaviour.

    I think you can trust your aunt. If she felt the same way about you then she'd have included you in the letter. Your previous co workers don't deserve any consideration whatsoever and you're better off without them anyway. It is difficult to trust people but at some stage, if you want to make friends, then you have to do it. Sometimes we get it right, other times we fail. I go by the rule that its better to be the person to whom injustice is done, than the person who does the injustice. Concentrate on yourself, you need time to get well.
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