I'm pretty much just putting my thoughts into text so I'm assuming this will be a long winded post. I've been struggling with suicidal thoughts since I was roughly 14-15 and am now 25. About 4 years ago I devised a plan that if I hadn't improved my life by 25, I had my whole plan set in motion on how I was going to end my life on my 25th birthday. I'm still here not because I feel my life has improved, but rather because I chickened out. I guess it pretty much starts by going back to my childhood. Grew up in a large city of about 1 million people. I am an only child and have a small inner family. Only 1 uncle and 1 aunt. My aunt lives 19 hours away so I really have no relationship with her. I have 1 first cousins who I haven't seen since 1995. 3 of my 4 grand parents died before I was even born, my grandfather died in 1993 when I was 8. He was in a nursing home and was a little senile towards the end so I had no real relationship with him. To sum it, I really don't have a large family network. I moved from the city when I was 12 to a town of roughly 1200 people about 180 miles away from the city. The purpose of this was that my dad was retiring soon and didn't want to continue paying for my private school. When I lived in the city I had friends. I didn't go to school with them because I went to private vs. public, but was still able to make friends with the neighborhood kids. I had about 4-5 friends in my neighborhood. Not a lot, but enough to keep me going. I also had another close friend from a previous neighborhood that I kept in contact with, but lived out of walking distance. Anyways at 12 years old, parents decide to sell the house. My dad wasn't scheduled to retire till 2003 and this was 1997. I lived with my mom up north while my dad stayed in the city to work and came home on weekends. I believe this move was when things started to unravel for me. I got put in a new school up north. I was living with just my mom and my relationship with her deteriorated quickly. I know she was seeing a therapist but quit when we moved up north. I believe she suffered from depression but she nor my dad ever talks about is so I don't know what is going on. Anyways, she'd fly off the handle over any little thing. One time she couldn't find the paper towels and just yelled and screamed and broke dishes over it. Before with my dad around and my mom on her medication, this never happened. Being alone with her and her acting this way strained my relationship with her. I didn't want to be around her because I was afraid if I make some minor mistake it would set her off. I had to walk around my house on egg shells. Getting adjusted to my new school wasn't easy either. The kids were so different. I was a little chubby when I lived in the city. I came up north and the lack of friends and things to do led me to just explode into obesity. I didn't really get picked on for it, but I think it hurt my chances of making friends. To this day I struggle to make friends. In fact, I don't have any friends. I have one potential friend. The one I was friends with in my first neighborhood I stay in touch with. I've never had a girlfriend. I just don't know why I cannot bond with people and make relationships. I seemed to be progressing well up until age 12. I don't know how to be out going. My dad is the most out going person I know. He can converse with anyone. He goes into pay for gas and can spend 15 minutes chatting with the cashier. I wish the one trait I could've inherited from him wias his ability to just talk and make friends. I don't know why I can't build relationships. It's not like I'm totally shy. I just can't start conversations with people or sustain a conversation. At work people seem to enjoy to be around me. I don't have any enemies, but I just cannot seem to build a relationship outside of the workplace. I work now in a small office. Only 3 people including myself. The other 2 are mid 30's so only a little bit older than me. I get along great with them. They are make plans to use the one employees boat and go boating with another employee from another office. They didn't invite me. I just don't know how they are able to build a friendship outside of work and I cannot. The company is having a district wide party this Saturday for the entire district. I already made up my mind I'm not going. I know what going to happen. Everyone will be conversing and having a good time with each other while I'll be sitting alone sipping on a beer watching everyone have fun. I've been though this before. When I went to my cousin's wedding. Everyone was dancing and having a good time. People came up to be and asked how I was doing but I couldn't sustain a conversation. The same thing will happen at this party. Now there's the fact I do not like my job. This is my first full time job. I just don't like getting up in the morning and going to work. I still don't know if it's the actual job I dislike, or that I'm just lazy. My dad worked in a factory for 30 years. I knew he couldn't have liked that but still didn't. I've worked here since September and want to quit. I don't know if I hate the job, hate working period, or that my personal life is in such disarray. I make just enough to afford a 1 bedroom apartment and live on my own. I come home to my apartment every night at 5 and have no contact with a human until the next morning at work unless I go to the store. My apartment is a complete mess. I have no motivation to clean it. The reason I have this entry level job is that I slacked in school. In high school I had a GPA of about 2.5. Could've been above a 3.0 easily. When you skip class and don't do assignment and don't study, getting B's and C's is pretty good. I did the same in college. Had to go to a community college. Never bothered to take my SAT's or ACT's. Same thing happened in college. 2.6 GPA at the community college. Was able to transfer to some run of the mill online university and get my bachelors with a 2.7 GPA. I just don't know why I have no motivation. People say I'm still young but I'm not. At 25 I cannot go back and redo high school. I cannot go back and redo college. I was suppose to experience dating at 14. Not try for a first date at 25. How can I meet a girl and go out on a date at 25 when I have no experience in this? What girl will want to deal with a 25 year old slacker who has no clue about the opposite sex? At around age 21 I decided to lose weight. I lost 100 pounds and seemed to be on an upward tick. I still had my suicide thoughts but I had hope. I had lost all this weight, was feeling great physically, I at least had hope for the future since I was still in school. Now I have gained all 100 pounds back and then some. I'm bigger than I have ever been at any point in my life. This make me even more intraverted. I don't want to visit my uncle and show that I've gained all the weight back. I don't want to visit my cousins out of state so they can see how much weight I've gained. My thoughts were to move back to the city. The problem is, that costs money. On top of that, this area has been hit hard with job loss so who the hell will hire a 2.6 GPA slacker? What if I still feel depressed after returning? That's my last hope. If my last hope fails, I'm at the end of my road. Things aren't the same down there anyways. I drove though my old neighborhood this past weekend. My suicide plan has me ending my life in my old neighborhood. I was scoping out where. I drove by my old house and almost had a break down. My home was abandoned. Grass about 4 feet tall, weeds growing in the driveway, broken windows and destroyed fence. The neighbors house was vacant as well. It was completely boarded up, all the aluminum siding stolen off the house. The neighborhood completely went to hell since I left. This was just too depressing for me. Gun shots were heard off in the distance. At that point, I just sat in the street and looked how my neighborhood got over run with crack houses. I was hoping one would just come out and shoot me dead in the street. I keep thinking, if I were to kill myself in my apartment, how long would it take for someone to find me? I'm so lonely and have no one that if I were to kill myself, it could be 45 days before someone found me. If I wait till after I pay my rent, no one will have any reason to look for me, unless the neighbors complain of the smell from my rotting corpse. It's so sad that my suicide plan has me calling the police to report a dead body and kill myself before they arrive. There are times were I do feel good. There is the occasional time where I do have a long conversation with someone and feel great. That doesn't happen often. I know I can be happy because I've been happy before. It seems the depressing times are longer and come in higher volumes. My problem is I'm tired of being lonely. I'm tired of being miserable and trying to seek happiness. The one thing preventing me from killing myself is the fear of the after life. I think about death constantly and what happens after we die. That is the sole reason I'm still alive. I don't want to continue to battle weight. All I do is live paycheck to paycheck. I pretty much just poored out my life story. I can't afford therapy. Don't really know what reponse I'll get if any. This is really a last ditch effort on my part. My ultimate goal is to be happy and enjoy life. I don't want to die, but I don't want to live like this anymore.