Warning: I am completely and painfully honest here. I hate my relationship life and how dumb I am about all of it so I don't like writing all this but I feel like I need to get it off my chest. And ya there are some pretty fucked up parts, just as a warning. I am 18 in high school and before last november I had never been in an intimate relationship. I was quiet and felt awkward with anybody but my male friends. This was all partly caused by my chronic overeating and lethargy. I had a healthy build and managed in school because I spent every moment I wasn't in a lethargic overeating slump exercising and studying as hard as I could to 'catch up'. As this chronic failure got worse I began caring less and less about relationships and looking good. But this all changed when my failures became so bad that I ran away to LA. This is where my experience with relationships really began. I ended up in a sexually abusive relationship with a 40 year old guy. Some people would say he raped me because there were drugs involved but I could never agree with that. Oh, and i am completely straight. I told the guy that I enjoyed it and I didn't take action to get out of the relationship. I guess I should also mention that he was the first person to show any desire at being in a relationship with me (I know that it can't really be called a relationship but I don't know how else to say it). This ended after about a week and a half just because I was going to go back on the streets for a while. I ended up getting pick up by the police and ended up back home. Back at home I hardly talked to people at all until I went back to high school. At high school things were basically back the same except that I had the desire to find a girlfriend or even just female friends. Well I didn't really get very far in that. And because I was on depression meds I had a month where I didn't go into my chronic failure cycle. That made me REALLY want to escape my social seclusion. But because I didn't know how to escape my reputation as a loner or how to interact with people I turned to a rave club. With the help of ecstasy and the rave club I over a long period of time got friends and met a girl who liked me a lot. However, she was in an open marriage and a sex addict. That was my second intimate relationship. However being that she was a swinger it was not in any way a normal relationship. That lasted for awhile. During this time I got close to a girl I had known for a while. She liked me, I liked her but I didn't especially want a relationship with her because I was in one already. Ill call this girl Jill (she will come up later). The relationship with the swinger ended (not badly, I'm still good friends with her). And I started to change my image, I got a tattoo and dyed my hair black. I dressed 'emo' and I started to care about how I looked. However I still did not have any ego in terms of being attractive. I went back to high school (this year, new school) and by two weeks I had a cute girl who wanted to be my girlfriend, a lot of girls who thought I was hot, and another girl who flirted with me a lot. This kind of took me WAY by surprise. I met EVERYBODY I knew from the club by me going to them, not the other way around. For all intents and purposes I have believed I was invisible until two weeks ago. Well I ended up dating the girl who wanted to go out with me for one week (my first girlfriend). I didn't like her as much as I pretended to and I only knew her because she had a connection to the rave club I went to. I know that I shouldn't have started dating her but I have for a very long time wanted to be in a relationship and I just kinda went along with it. Now this brings me to a problem I have always had. I am very passive. Throw me in with a group and I will go along with the group as best I can and lie to fit in. I avoid any friction whatsoever. It feels like I have an instinctual fear of friction and I will avoid even if I know it will make things worse down the road. This in turn makes me passive aggressive because I cant get out my anger or frustration directly or I will create friction. I absolutely hate this about me. One problem is when I don't have friends I am extremely lonely but when I have lots of friends I often don't want any friends. A result of chronic failure I fear. Ok so my problem now is that I have led on the girl who really wants to date me right now. I tried to get rid of her at the beginning but then I ended telling that I liked her because I did for a while. And I have REALLY led her on at this point. I do like her sometimes but other times I don't. I'm am really stressed out about social life at school and I don't really want everyone to know that I start dating someone almost immediately after a one week relationship. At this point I wish I could just erase everyone s memory of me and then make myself look ugly so none of this would happen. I don't want to hurt anybody and I know I shouldn't have led on this girl, and I know that I should stop now before it gets worse. But how can I just tell her, oh by the way I don't like you anymore. Another problem is that I get paranoid that everyone is lying to me and plotting some plan to completely embarrass me behind my back. I know how absurd that is but I can't help to feel that way sometimes. The last bit of information is that Jill, the girl from before still likes me I think. And to tell the truth I want to keep the possibility of a relationship with her open. I like her more than the girl I am talking to now and I think that a relationship with Jill would be MUCH less stress full. But anyway, I am feeling a lot of stress about all this and I think I am falling into one of my chronic failure slumps which means I could become extremely seclusive soon. I don't know what to do or how to get rid of my passive aggressive tendencies. I don't want to hurt people and I hate lying (I lie too much right now and I wish I would stop). I don't want to do anything I regret but I don't know what is the right thing to do. In the past I have acted on my anxiety and done what I thought was 'right' only to realize that I was overreacting and creating problems where I didn't need to. I feel a tad bit better having written all that but I still feel like sabotaging all my relationships and falling into failure. If anybody who actually reads this overly dramatic rant about myself and has some advice, please tell me.