my messed up relationship life

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by hardcore, Sep 17, 2009.

  1. hardcore

    hardcore Well-Known Member

    Warning: I am completely and painfully honest here. I hate my relationship life and how dumb I am about all of it so I don't like writing all this but I feel like I need to get it off my chest. And ya there are some pretty fucked up parts, just as a warning.

    I am 18 in high school and before last november I had never been in an intimate relationship. I was quiet and felt awkward with anybody but my male friends. This was all partly caused by my chronic overeating and lethargy. I had a healthy build and managed in school because I spent every moment I wasn't in a lethargic overeating slump exercising and studying as hard as I could to 'catch up'. As this chronic failure got worse I began caring less and less about relationships and looking good. But this all changed when my failures became so bad that I ran away to LA.

    This is where my experience with relationships really began. I ended up in a sexually abusive relationship with a 40 year old guy. Some people would say he raped me because there were drugs involved but I could never agree with that. Oh, and i am completely straight. I told the guy that I enjoyed it and I didn't take action to get out of the relationship. I guess I should also mention that he was the first person to show any desire at being in a relationship with me (I know that it can't really be called a relationship but I don't know how else to say it). This ended after about a week and a half just because I was going to go back on the streets for a while. I ended up getting pick up by the police and ended up back home.

    Back at home I hardly talked to people at all until I went back to high school. At high school things were basically back the same except that I had the desire to find a girlfriend or even just female friends. Well I didn't really get very far in that. And because I was on depression meds I had a month where I didn't go into my chronic failure cycle. That made me REALLY want to escape my social seclusion. But because I didn't know how to escape my reputation as a loner or how to interact with people I turned to a rave club. With the help of ecstasy and the rave club I over a long period of time got friends and met a girl who liked me a lot. However, she was in an open marriage and a sex addict. That was my second intimate relationship. However being that she was a swinger it was not in any way a normal relationship. That lasted for awhile.

    During this time I got close to a girl I had known for a while. She liked me, I liked her but I didn't especially want a relationship with her because I was in one already. Ill call this girl Jill (she will come up later).

    The relationship with the swinger ended (not badly, I'm still good friends with her). And I started to change my image, I got a tattoo and dyed my hair black. I dressed 'emo' and I started to care about how I looked. However I still did not have any ego in terms of being attractive.

    I went back to high school (this year, new school) and by two weeks I had a cute girl who wanted to be my girlfriend, a lot of girls who thought I was hot, and another girl who flirted with me a lot. This kind of took me WAY by surprise. I met EVERYBODY I knew from the club by me going to them, not the other way around. For all intents and purposes I have believed I was invisible until two weeks ago. Well I ended up dating the girl who wanted to go out with me for one week (my first girlfriend). I didn't like her as much as I pretended to and I only knew her because she had a connection to the rave club I went to. I know that I shouldn't have started dating her but I have for a very long time wanted to be in a relationship and I just kinda went along with it.

    Now this brings me to a problem I have always had. I am very passive. Throw me in with a group and I will go along with the group as best I can and lie to fit in. I avoid any friction whatsoever. It feels like I have an instinctual fear of friction and I will avoid even if I know it will make things worse down the road. This in turn makes me passive aggressive because I cant get out my anger or frustration directly or I will create friction. I absolutely hate this about me. One problem is when I don't have friends I am extremely lonely but when I have lots of friends I often don't want any friends. A result of chronic failure I fear.

    Ok so my problem now is that I have led on the girl who really wants to date me right now. I tried to get rid of her at the beginning but then I ended telling that I liked her because I did for a while. And I have REALLY led her on at this point. I do like her sometimes but other times I don't. I'm am really stressed out about social life at school and I don't really want everyone to know that I start dating someone almost immediately after a one week relationship. At this point I wish I could just erase everyone s memory of me and then make myself look ugly so none of this would happen. I don't want to hurt anybody and I know I shouldn't have led on this girl, and I know that I should stop now before it gets worse. But how can I just tell her, oh by the way I don't like you anymore. Another problem is that I get paranoid that everyone is lying to me and plotting some plan to completely embarrass me behind my back. I know how absurd that is but I can't help to feel that way sometimes.

    The last bit of information is that Jill, the girl from before still likes me I think. And to tell the truth I want to keep the possibility of a relationship with her open. I like her more than the girl I am talking to now and I think that a relationship with Jill would be MUCH less stress full. But anyway, I am feeling a lot of stress about all this and I think I am falling into one of my chronic failure slumps which means I could become extremely seclusive soon. I don't know what to do or how to get rid of my passive aggressive tendencies. I don't want to hurt people and I hate lying (I lie too much right now and I wish I would stop). I don't want to do anything I regret but I don't know what is the right thing to do. In the past I have acted on my anxiety and done what I thought was 'right' only to realize that I was overreacting and creating problems where I didn't need to.

    I feel a tad bit better having written all that but I still feel like sabotaging all my relationships and falling into failure. If anybody who actually reads this overly dramatic rant about myself and has some advice, please tell me.
  2. lost43215

    lost43215 Well-Known Member

    Well, i read it all :)

    First of all, Im guessing your a guy cause u said you were straight, but then you liked the 40 year old, so that kinda confused me unless u were bi or just liked it, but anyways, im going with guy.

    I saw a lot of simularities between you and me actually with a few things. I dont like being alone, but sometimes with lots of ppl can be overwealming, or at least used to be overwealming. I sometimes lie, but it's moreso if im sad and need to hide it, tho honestly i was in one relationship where i prob said i liked her more than I felt. Anyways...

    As for advice, your right, it is best to end it sooner rather than later. Im like you and dont want to cause trouble with others or hurt them. I still try my hardest not to, but when it comes to relationships, I would rather hurt them a bit by ending it than continue and hurt them more later on. Plus it gives them a chance to find the right person, instead of being with you when you know it wont go anywhere.

    I also worry a lot about what others think, or again, did. I just got it through my head after a long time that I dont need to worry, that they dont think those thoughts. Id be happy in your position, it prob just feels ackward cause your not used to all this attention.

    I would tell the girl your with now that you like her, but as a friend only you think and that you dont see it going further than that. Still be friends with em tho. Id wait a bit b4 going out with the one u do like, but build up ur relationship more with her, spend more time with her, get to know her, etc.... let it naturally just go into a relationship.

    As for group tensions, you can try your hardest to avoid conflict, but that's the thing, there will always be conflict, it's almost impossible to avoid it cause everyones different. Accept it, and just work to the best you can, make compromises. Just because you have differences doesnt mean you cant work together and work around them. Some ppl you cant tho... not your fault, just that your going to run into ppl like that.

    Make new friends with all these new ppl you've met. Have fun with your life. And dont worry so much about what ppl think of you, just be you. Yes there will be ppl that wont like you, there always will be, but i think you'll find far more ppl will like you. If you overthink situations, things will just end up worse. Just know that they like you, and go with it.

    Hope that all makes sense/helps. :)