My mind is a mess

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by demuredawn, Dec 20, 2013.

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  1. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    You know... I used to think if you tried your best to help others, you could find a way to either a) make them a little less distressed or b) find a way to help you too or c) both a and b; I used to feel true concern and true compassion for people. I used to try to open up to them from the bottom of my heart and just trust that I'd get the same amount of compassion back. I used to think that people make a difference... anytime they interact, or talk to, or even pass by someone else... that it caused a slight impact which then caused a slight change... causing a chain reaction. I used to believe in the saying in my signature that life is not measured by the amount of breaths you take but by the moments that take your breath away and I wanted to live for those moments. I probably sounded like a silly schoolgirl child to a lot of people. Or maybe I just sounded rather naieve. I don't know.... but I know some, if not all of that is changing in me. I know I don't like the changes. I don't know how to stop them. I don't feel I have anyone I can trust anymore, with very few exceptions here. I feel unimportant. I feel like I don't matter at all. I feel like I deserve every ounce of pain that has ever happened to me and every ounce that will come in the future. I feel like I am not even worthy to say these things because as I said... I don't matter, so I'm sure in some way I'll be punished for having said these things.. but thats ok too, because as I said, I know I deserve the pain anyway. Honestly... when you read this I know you are wondering why I am even bothering to tell you this stuff because it probably all sounds like whining to you... or maybe just like drivel. I don't know the answer to that. Maybe its just force of habit.... when I used to get down I used to try to call out thinking maybe at least one person would care. Now, I don't even really have that kind of misguided hope, I know I don't matter. I just wish I could die without me having to do it at the moment, I don't the energy to take as many pills as I know I'd need to take... and I don't trust myself at any rate to get it right.... but I wish I did. I know none of you probably really care that much if I live or die, but at least someone knows/listened/heard me.... maybe.
     
  2. Smilie46

    Smilie46 Well-Known Member

    {{{{{Hug}}}}}
     
  3. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

  4. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I actually care Dawn, and your believing or not believing that will not change it. I do not think you are wrong for believing or for having believed that everybody can and does make a difference (though I do think how that difference is made is subject to a certain amount of twisting or interpretation on the part of the person and necessarily received as intended). I do believe that a open heart can live happily for those few moments that take your breath away because that is the only type of soul that can really appreciate those moments enough to make them count for anything worthwhile.

    Maybe you are changing and your life is changing.... it is easier to think of things in black and white but at some point as people mature (has nothing to do with age or even being immature before - just an accumulation of experiences in a certain time frame combined with a sum of life to that point) but at some point a maturity sets in that realizes very very few things are black and white and most are different shades of grey and that makes answers much harder to come by and and the realization that many decisions must be made based on considerations of not just are they right but are they less wrong than other possible decisions. Particularly when thinking of ones self and ones own life sometimes it is hard to see that doing the right thing can be wrong for some people - especially if the person it is wrong for is yourself. Some of the struggles you may be having at the moment are bigger than the isolated incidences that surround that struggle and may apply to your life in general. Sometimes the only way to really move forward is to accept that there is not good answer and right way to do - so you have to just look for the way that will cause the least harm and a certain amount of selfishness has to come into play and you have to realize the most important person to protect from further harm is yourself - even if that contradicts some of what you to believe to be the "right thing".

    You do not deserve to be punished and to have bad things happen to you at all Dawn. You are punishing yourself for realizing that the decisions you really need to make to protect yourself now and in the future are not black and white decisions but fall in that grey area where somebody may be hurt and need to come to terms it is okay if that happens because you need to just do what is right for you sometimes and not worry so much about justice in the world and being judged as uncaring ... Care for yourself Dawn and do not worry about doing it - and look out for what is going to keep you from being hurt in the long term instead of what makes you feel bad in the moment.

    This likely sounds somewhat cryptic to some but Dawn knows what I am talking about. I will see you in chat in the next few days I am sure , until then keep being the good person you are and don't listen to the thoughts saying you deserve any type of bad treatment.
     
  5. MessengerFromHell

    MessengerFromHell Well-Known Member

    Sorry I can't think of anything good to say now... Just to let you know tat I care. The little things that you do makes a significant impact and that's worthy of every ounce of admiration.
     
  6. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    Demuredawn, I too wish I can make a difference to someone. I want to share my wisdom and knowledge I've accumulated through all of my years struggling with mental illness. I find this site as an opportunity not only to hear that others have problems, but that I'm not an exception to life's struggles. I find it rewarding when I respond to postings here and know that I made sense enough to reach out to others. Demuredawn, you DO impact other people's lives. I want you to know you ARE important and have lots to give. You make a difference and touch people's hearts here. Please continue doing what you're doing. You're an asset to this forum. Hear from you later!
     
  7. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    Thank you NYJ... i know that you do care. There are very few people that I fully trust and/or think do care at the moment... you are one of them. Thank you for being such a good friend. Honestly, I never have thought of things as completely black and white. There are a few exceptions to that rule.... like lieing. To me, you either are telling what you truly feel/know to be true or you are falsifying that in some way. To me ... a lie is a lie is a lie... with ONE exception... that is if you doing it because you need to in order to either save yourself or someone else. Anything other than that reason is just flat out disregard for truthfulness in my opinion. Now, that being said, I am not saying that for example if a girl stands in front of you and says "do i look okay in this?" and you honestly think it makes her look like the goodyear blimp that you should say it in those words.. you can find nicer ways of saying it, or you can simply suggest something you know makes her look awesome... but to say "yea, sweetheart, you know you always look awesome to me" when you are inwardly dreading taking her anyplace looking like that... to me ends up causing more pain, b/c sooner or later she'll pick up on you not being quite as attentive as you usually are or etc when you go out and then she'll think she did something wrong... or start resenting you/getting angry at you... or both. and yes i do know what you speak of when you are talking about all of this, and maybe you are right, maybe they are changes that need to happen.. but i still feel like a part of me that i have adored for a very long time is dieing and i dont know how to stop it and it hurts... bad. I dont know if I have the strength in me to accept it.
     
  8. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    Messenger, ty for the kind words and for saying I made/make a difference... means a lot.
     
  9. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    mpang123,

    I know you have been through a lot and I know that you do the best you can and I also know that includes helping a lot of people. I have seen a lot of your posts and I have seen the amount of care and passion you put into them. I think you make a difference too. Thank you for saying I do.. hearing that from you or anyone means a lot to me.
     
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