You know... I used to think if you tried your best to help others, you could find a way to either a) make them a little less distressed or b) find a way to help you too or c) both a and b; I used to feel true concern and true compassion for people. I used to try to open up to them from the bottom of my heart and just trust that I'd get the same amount of compassion back. I used to think that people make a difference... anytime they interact, or talk to, or even pass by someone else... that it caused a slight impact which then caused a slight change... causing a chain reaction. I used to believe in the saying in my signature that life is not measured by the amount of breaths you take but by the moments that take your breath away and I wanted to live for those moments. I probably sounded like a silly schoolgirl child to a lot of people. Or maybe I just sounded rather naieve. I don't know.... but I know some, if not all of that is changing in me. I know I don't like the changes. I don't know how to stop them. I don't feel I have anyone I can trust anymore, with very few exceptions here. I feel unimportant. I feel like I don't matter at all. I feel like I deserve every ounce of pain that has ever happened to me and every ounce that will come in the future. I feel like I am not even worthy to say these things because as I said... I don't matter, so I'm sure in some way I'll be punished for having said these things.. but thats ok too, because as I said, I know I deserve the pain anyway. Honestly... when you read this I know you are wondering why I am even bothering to tell you this stuff because it probably all sounds like whining to you... or maybe just like drivel. I don't know the answer to that. Maybe its just force of habit.... when I used to get down I used to try to call out thinking maybe at least one person would care. Now, I don't even really have that kind of misguided hope, I know I don't matter. I just wish I could die without me having to do it at the moment, I don't the energy to take as many pills as I know I'd need to take... and I don't trust myself at any rate to get it right.... but I wish I did. I know none of you probably really care that much if I live or die, but at least someone knows/listened/heard me.... maybe.