my mind is like broken glass...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by among the stars, Feb 5, 2014.

  1. among the stars

    among the stars Well-Known Member

    the only reason I am writing this is because I am literally breaking inside... my wall I build for myself is cracking. everything is so screwed up and jumbled up.. pain from every direction.. even physical body function is messed up... so close to tears... and i don't even cry anymore.. rage and anger and hate... its all there... I want to take a 2 x4 and smash my whole house... and just sit in the middle of it and cry... because that's how I feel inside... my mind is like a pile of broken glass.. and I'm just sitting bleeding in the middle of it.. I keep thinking that if I push people away the pain will stop but it doesn't... people I have talked to/helped/love like family get so close and then something happens and my world breaks... even if they leave I am still fighting their war.. I get too close... care too much... each person turns into another crack in my wall.. I keep self harming to keep the cracks in check but its getting out of control. I have the solution... I want to so badly... but I always ending up harming instead... its so pathetic.. I need to just do it and get it over with. its better that way
  2. DarkLordVader

    DarkLordVader Well-Known Member

    first and foremost please dont do anything drastic, ok? i know we havent bonded here and i do come off in chat like some angry monster, but that isnt me. all of us here, including yourself are struggling with so much inner conflict, pain, anger, suffering and it sucks so bad. trust me on this, i know first hand... i do feel your pain, within your words that speak volumes to me, you're not alone with this at all. i have sat here, day after day after day wondering why my anger has taken control over me. why, is my depression taking control over me. i wanted to end it so many times myself its pathetic, yet i never had the courage to do it. you deserve a better life, a happier one, where there is no pain, and hurt. a life where the sun actually shines and you can breathe the fresh clean air and feel good inside. nobody, including you should live in darkness as i was, we all need the light to survive. we all need something to bring us back to where we once were before all this madness started. i remember a time in my life when there wasnt depression and anger, but happiness and joy. i want that back, and you should too... will it be a huge struggle to get it? possibly, but if we never walk out that door and seek help, we will never know how it feels. we will ultimately forget the goodness in life and end up sitting in a dark corner until our dying days. i dont wish death on anyone at all, ever... i want to see each and every one of us here to find that road of wellness, the bright light that can help heal us. to come here so long ago and still struggle with my problems, to one day see all of us, done with pain, suicidal idealizations and the like. all i can say is please dont give up hope on finding the peace you so well deserve. i am always here for advice and support, if you need it. :)
  3. lautanner

    lautanner Well-Known Member

    Numb, we need you here with us.We don't want to lose you. If you did something to yourself it would make all of us very sad. Please listen to what Darkness is saying.
  4. among the stars

    among the stars Well-Known Member

    im just a name on the screen.. I cant help anyone anymore... even tho I try often I fail... and ppl end up feeling worse when they leave.. I am not able to do my job here... letting everyone down. letting mom down.. I don't see a point to it.. maybe some people would miss me for awhile but they would soon forget.
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    All we can do is try hun You are not well yourself so for now you need support so we are here for YOU ok You are not just a name on a screen YOU are a person who is suffering like most of us here we understand ok You are not alone just remember that ok hugs
  6. lautanner

    lautanner Well-Known Member

    Numb, you are not just a name to us. You haven't let anyone down here. You care about others, that is all you have to do to help. Just care. And we will always care about you.
  7. Kairo

    Kairo Well-Known Member

    I’m sorry numb...I really am.
    I can tell from knowing you for just a short while how kind you are, and it doesn’t feel fair that sometimes that kindness can lead to such pain. I know things have been hard, and you’ve been worried. I’m so sorry, I wish I could help you somehow.

    Just know that there are people who care about you here. We wouldn’t forget about you. You can talk to me anytime if you feel like it would help.
  8. Evanesce

    Evanesce Well-Known Member

    I'll never forget you and the kindness you showed me. I remember the piano man music you sent me with the breathing exercise and I still use that. Btw I too changed my name use to be Fleurise ssshh keep it quiet.