My mind is tearing me apart

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by A Self Made Loser, Oct 26, 2007.

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  1. A Self Made Loser

    A Self Made Loser Active Member

    I have spent the past two hours looking at various posts on this site; it has offered me a great feeling of relief in the sense that I don’t feel alone and isolated with these suicidal thoughts, severe depression and chronic anxiety. These feelings and emotions have torn my mind apart for near 5 years now. No lights at the end of this apparent tunnel for me that people who do not understand tell me.

    I just keep it all bottled up and people just get annoyed and huff, saying how I have got it all and a good family and a great girlfriend blah blah blah. Yeah sure it helps to have close people around but they have their own lives and I don’t want to burden them with my misery.

    I have a story I want to tell, well really get off my chest to people who can understand and relate to from their own experiences and thoughts. I have tried counselling after my first suicide attempt in Feb 05, but as I knew they just sat there putting words in your mouth and twist your problems to which are a bid deal to you now mean nothing. Each person of course is different and has different views, ideas, experiences, upbringing and genetic coding. There’s far too much to break down on a suicidal person.

    Anyway my problems stem back to when I was starting school at 5, I was always a little slower in understanding and grasping learning, I had made a best friend straight away on my first day who was very intelligent the complete opposite to me! We was to be close friends for the next 5 years, in this time I would always get moaned at by teachers for not doing class work correctly and having my best friend helping me out all the time, I thought nothing of it.

    At 10 I become best friends with the oddball kid an outsider considered a weirdo and major nerd but I got chatting to him about computers to which I got into through my oldest brother and became hooked. We had an Amstrad cpc 464. We would chat for ages in school about it and then become best friends my previous friend stayed with the rest of out friends playing sports. I didn't really care to be branded with hanging round with this very oddly intelligent kid who was way beyond normal smarts designing and making games by 11, he helped me through my final year of primary school picking up where my previous buddy had left off carrying me.

    But again I thought nothing of it. I then started to realise that I was being put on a "Special Table" with three of the same faces every time the classes where being reshuffled. I quickly realised this was the "Dumb Table". I felt slightly upset because all friends where in the top classes for everything. This was a nasty gutting feeling that was to set me up for the rest of my life up this point where death is all I now think about. Failure screams in my head.

    By age 12 I was getting to grips with Secondary School life, it was nerve-racking as the older kids would hunt the first years down and give them a warm welcoming hello beating. It was a good laugh for the most part school life and the happiest years of life but was also my revelation years.

    There was a system in place like all schools in the world no doubt where you would be placed into sets for subjects by test and knowledge ability. MY first two years wasn't to bad pretty average middle stream but all my friends were in the top sets for everything and were together while I was stuck with people who just didn’t care and would find burning something or beating someone up more fun than paying attention, I couldn’t get of those classes no matter how hard I tried. I felt a little bit dejected but got on with it.

    By the turn of the Millennium I was 16 and was having the greatest time of my life, out with my friends, house parties, met an amazingly smart girlfriend. (You see what I mean, everyone around me is super intelligent) my family life and childhood up this point was second to none, fantastic with a great mum and dad, two older brothers and tons of aunts, uncles and cousins, a whole lot of friends from not just school but where I lived also.

    This was also the year in England you take your mandatory exams to determine whether you stay and study for another two years and go to university or go into employment. I did my exams - all low level foundation tier meaning the highest grade I could get at best was a C grade. I didn’t care I was happy so I didn’t really bother studying.

    The summer rolled on and it was again amazing, BBQ's, close friends and a good girlfriend. Hell I was 16, not a care in the world. Two months later exam results came out, I messed up bad. A couple of C grades and whole lot of D's, E's and F's. I woke up this morning and remembered the disappointing sound in my dads voice when I rang to tell him. I stayed on at school for a year but hardly turned up and sat drinking in pubs if I could get in. My brothers never did to well either but they made the choices I wasn’t able to make until now at 23 after three suicide attempts.

    My brothers went straight into the work place and got on. I became despondent, didn’t care of my results and partied for years to come while occasionally doing temp work, which was rare as my parents financially, backed me even when they moan at me to get a job. Any permanent job offers I got around the age of 17-18. This was all going to come back and haunt my mind with serious disgust and shame for myself. I didn’t understand and had no guidance.

    My friends all did very well without even trying and went on to universities gaining 2.1 degrees with ease, while I barely could do simple algebra equations these people could do advance stuff beyond anything I could ever imagine, my girlfriend at the time scored straight A's and so did pretty much the rest of the group I hung about with and they were all just standard people not mega brains. My girlfriend’s family were incredibly smart her older brother and sister were brains and her mum. My father is as well. A brilliant smart business man who when he left school got in the top 2% of top marks and got a commendation by the Queen as in the 60's in inner London that was very rare apparently.

    I started to wonder why wasn’t I like any of these people, Why was I such a dumb ass and I began to self-loath. My present girlfriend now is like all my friends and previous GF, very smart businesswomen now with a bright future. I haven't got anything and it's my fault it all happens. Not a care in the world had led me down this path along with my pathetic IQ. I wake up everyday thinking have I got the guts to kill myself today instead of just thinking it. I get annoyed that a loser like me can’t carry out suicide.

    I was going to hang myself today as the house was empty, but my father came home early round 1pm and said he had been made redundant. After 30 years of loyal service to that large financial firm. That's all the man has ever lived for - work. He is quietly upset I can tell but he does not show any emotion as he was never brought up like that but my mum is the total opposite she too has thought about suicide as my father is a alcoholic and has been for 15 years now. He could never drive friends and me anywhere because he was always to blitz.

    A shame but still when sober he is calculating genius. He is everything I wish I could be but never can be. I am his blood but a total failure. Once I turned 20 I set about trying to turn my life around going to college to study business but with people a few years younger than me I began to see these people to were brilliant minded, so smart and it made feel even worse I couldn’t go on and at 21 took a 80 table overdose of Ibroufen painkillers washed down with a bottle of Jack Daniel's I lay on my bed heart racing trying to cope with what was going on, I hoped for a quick relief... I woke up next morning vomiting and loss of breath.

    My mum came in and I told her what had happen, we went to the hospital and eventually when I was seen the docs didn’t understand how I was still alive and conscience. I didn’t either and was pretty annoyed I was still there, some test carried out and they found nothing wrong with any of my organs. I mean what the hell?! That’s just plain weird. No stomach pump or nothing just some uncomforting for the next few days and pointless cross-examining counselling.

    I tried to get over it all but theses feeling and shame of my teenage years haunt me still. I'm at college again and with people younger there who are so career and goal minded I get the greater feeling of uselessness and everyone is far superior to me complex that I cannot shake now. I cannot to speak to people in person because I don’t fell worthy to be in the same room as them.

    I always feel they are far smarter, better looking, rich, tall and confident. I want to scream and get the whole out of there. Just let the ground swallow me up or better still suddenly keel over and die stopping it all. Stopping the emotions, memories of messing up everything and maybe, have the chance to be reborn again with a brain that works. I will never be able to get a good job, with good pay and bright future therefore depression and anxiety springs up and has kept me awake during all hours of the day for the past 5 years, this complex of mine will never go away. What use is it in trying to fight it? I have no money; no prospects and I watch by, as quite rightly my peers are all very successful and better people in everyway.

    If you have read this all then I thank you for attention, I haven’t added everything that has troubled me and my mind but maybe explain more in time if I’m still around.
  2. elliebelle

    elliebelle Active Member

    Have you talked recently with a doctor or therapist? It sounds like that might help you a lot. You sound like you really doubt yourself and are letting that take over. Your letter itself comes across as quite intelligent sounding. I think you're smarter than you realize. Have you been tested for learning disabilities? That may be something that is causing you problems without you realizing it. It might be helpful for you to talk with a doctor about both the depression and the learning difficulties. Try to have some faith in yourself.
  3. MySecrets

    MySecrets Member

    Regretting your life is natural, i have questions for you which you dont have to answer, but if you can could you send me a pm or email to these following answers about your life.

    What do you think of the human life?

    Where do you see yourself in the future?

    Do you think satisfying people around you would make your life better?

    Do you dream and what do you dream about?, if not how come?

    I would really appreciate if you pm or emailed me, I would really like to know whats on your mind....
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 26, 2007
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