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my mind.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ForsakenForgotten, Jan 22, 2011.

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  1. I don't really like this kinda stuff, I know people have harder situations in life than I and it is very selfish to wallow in my own pity, while there is so much messed up things in this world but...

    I've really been contemplating suicide, immensely for a very long period of time. Probably about a year now, and I've had 2 attempts in that time, one an overdose and another slitting my wrists.

    but now i'm thinking of going through with it for real, like all the way through. life just seems to be, not coming up.... you see.

    In my experience, in my mind, tendencies are consistencies. what tends happens always happens(though not always.) I've learned to expect the worst I suppose...

    1.I've never landed a job, even though I've been trying for four years now. this is one thing that very much aggravates me. I am an adult, and I should at least be able to support myself in some ways. have some nice things, although I know happiness is not based on material objects, I would like to be able to have some nice things, have a good time, and support myself a bit. I've had 6 interviews in this time period. out of multiple applications, calls, check ins in person all that. Not one job either. NOT ONE. it's really discouraging, and then you have people getting on you about getting one, when your trying very hard! and nothing seems to suffice, no results.

    I consider maybe making ONE ONE just ONE big hit somewhere, maybe hit a house or maybe... like idk a good robbery you know? so i can get a sum of money to start out with, get on my feet and go on with life. cause no one is gonna gimme a chance in this world it seems, so i need to forget others and just fiend for ME.

    I hate the boredom of this. parents house, their just up in alms about most anything. no car. no phone. no money. it wouldn't be so bad if I had some friends to chill with, I have one... but his family hates me and always raises heck about me walking over there. Actually a lot of peoples families have done this to me... so with that and the job thing, I feel like some how maybe I"m just a bad egg and people can tell.

    So I think like a job, is not going to happen and I need to do something alterior to get on my feet and be a true human being on my own.

    2. I've had very few friends throughout my life, I was never popular in school, it was rare I would get out of the house in High School, and even now the few "Friends" i did have don't come around. I try to socialize but no one seems interested or something. I always feel like a third wheel in a group, like im just tagging along, not with it. I feel like a nuisance to people, even my family. I feel like people are like, thinking bad things about me, and even ridiculing me cleverly. My "friends" ditched me a lot. they didn't come around a lot. it feels like a freaking dream just to chill with some one, when it actually happens. I feel like I am just prone to being rejected, for some reason. always felt like an outsider. always have.

    3. Girls... well I've had several sexual conquests none real relationships, none of who I really liked, or maybe even was attracted to just desperate for affection. definitely not love. I felt more taken advantage of, than enjoyed it. even though it was will and not rape, still I feel ashamed of some of it, and I wish I could change it.

    girls I have really liked, and went for I messed it up. I would always(and still do with people in general though to) think they're thinking bad thoughts about me, ridiculing me with their friends, embarrassed to be around me, or even that I don't deserve someone. I didn't go to prom dances dating girlfriends, none of that. so love would be like a dream. it's un real to me i don't see it happening.

    then just in my head, my mind is always going, it dosen't chill out. worrying. wondering. pondering. something. sometimes i get this like energy, and i feel very awesome, like not h igh, i just feel good about myself and motivated to do things and i try very hard at life and to have a good time, but then I'll be like back to sleep all day, hate myself, no hope ol' me. things ill do when i feel good though, i regret or feel embaressed about later on and they will fuel the depression.

    I think God has forsaken me, it seems as if he will answer anyones prayers, except mine. seems as if he'll connect with anyone besides me. seems as if he will bestow blessings on anyone besides me!

    I thought to sell my soul to satan. I cut my self and signed my name in blood on a letter to satan i wrote, and burned it to signify hell fire, maybe it would mystically get to him. and he will help me in life, unlike christ who dosen't want to help with anything.

    now I have no faith in nothing, or i waver a lot between ideas, sides, and all.

    I feel lonely. very lonely. I feel like im a burden to people, unwanted, not even going to try for people anymore.

    heck i get nervous just walking into a store, like everyone is watching and judging me. or when i put in an app, the managers and employees are laughing and thinking pssh yeah right.

    my mind is always racing. never chilling as i said. i've got to have my music on or in a hot bath or something just to keep my mind from going chaotic. i just want to be face to face with the world in front of me, not floating away in my mind all the time!

    I just think good things in life, that a lot of people take for granted. is never going to happen for me. simple things.

    i am losing hope really in this life thing... dismal. prospects are not in sight for anything right. so im just thinking should i end it tonight?

    anyway... i could go on and on. i just would like to vent. maybe get some sympathy and some advice and stuff. i don't expect it though. well peace yall.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hugs to you You vent all you want okay you post all those thought out of your head post your sadness and pain too. Your as important as anyone okay
    I hope you have a therapist a doc to help you beat all these pain inside you.
    Hugs to you
  3. Ravenwing

    Ravenwing Well-Known Member

    Venting and talking though how you feel is vital. You need to talk things through or they will just feter inside of you and make you feel worse. Youj really do need to seek some help for how you are feeling. But coming here to talk will help too. Be kind to yourself.
  4. Yarrick2k5

    Yarrick2k5 Member

    For starters i'd say stop the whole self harm thing, that shit is really not worth the time. I too have my own inner battle to fight and whilst mentally i see myself as a mess, i don't bother with the physicaly self harming thing like cutting. (I'd do drinking and LSD), the reason why is becuase I hate to harm the exterior of my body. And i say the same on this to you. Scars on wrists are just annoying.

    The wallowing in self pity, we all do that. Especially here in the developed world, more depression in these areas than you'll see in countries stricken with poverty. Comedian Jim Jefferies has a good theory as to why. Becuase we build dreams and expectations. To a starving family not dying is a good day to be happy about, but us...if we fail at work or in love or as a contributing member of society, we are then classified as failures and lesser beings.

    Job - I too haven't had a real job in the last 3 years since leaving college. I've never had an interview in my life. I've worked for an agency doing manual labour for 4 days, i did canvassing for 2 days. Each one I ran away from becuase my anxiety got the best of me. The fact that you've been looking for a job is already a step beyond me.

    I use to read a blog about this homeless man who posted every few months from a library, he often found himself smashing car windows with a brick and taking whatever he could grab in mere seconds and getting out of there. Then selling random junk he got to the pawn shops. In my oppinion stealing to survive is ok. Stealing for the hell of stealing is Dickish.

    I too live with my parents and am just a waste of space to them, so i can totally sympathise with ya there. Same with the very few friends, or even people willing to be in my presence. I got one equally messed up friend and a a couple with three kids who just sponge of benefits and play pokemon. I rarely see them these days. And yea, it's boring when we have nothing to do and since money is almost an absolute neccesary thing for fun in our countries.

    Friends - Again, very similar to me there. I wasn't the 'unpopular loner' kid in school, i was just the background kid who rarely said anything at all. However i never really let paranoia set in about people talking behind my back. By that age i knew most kids were assholes, afterall, I am Ginger hair (very ginger) and got enough bullshit just for that hair colour.

    I do feel like i've missed my chance to really get any good friends now, since all my past experiences were making friends in school and college, now that's in the past i've lost all contact (mostly my blame) I have no idea how to make friends in the real world, let alone any chance walking up to anyone and striking the conversation. getting me to talk to any stranger is a real challenge.

    Girls - Meh, sex is sex. i've only had one real proper relationship which lasted about 14 months when I was 17. I left her due to her being over controlling. And having a few sexual encounters...hasn't left me bitter about the subject of sex. But has just left me in a state of apathy.

    As far as i care about the existence of god, god doesn't exist. Don't think god answers the prayers of others and ignores you. The chances of anyones prayers being answer is so small that it accounts for mere coincidence and nothing more. So don't worry about possibly thinking that some cosmic being is tormenting you. Cos if something like that exists, it's tormenting everyone and not just you.

    The cutting, blood and letter to Satan, was melodramatic and lame in my oppinion. Don't do something like that again. It's immature. The losing faith and god thing is justifyiable but the letter thing, nope. But we all do stupid shit. Like once i thought Santa existed and wrote him a letter with my fancy geode when i was really young. Or that I tried to overdose when i was 12 on paracetamol.

    Your Anxiety and paranoid seems to be a major issue. I'll let you in on this, the majority of people in this world, do not care about you or I. just like How I couldn't give a damn about alot of stuff in this world or how you (and I assume here) do not care about Pablo or Eugene or Stephanie on the other side of the world or standing on the opposite side of the shop. Just try to keep that in mind.

    hope, yea, drop that too. Hope is a ideal we've put high up on a pedastal we can't reach. I'm not saying this to give up on things, but to just go with the present. Go with how you life is taking it's course. Sure, for the most part it's shit and the people we encounter in so many cases turn out to be mean.

    I am a pessmist, a cynic and very apathetic but i am also curious as to see how far this world can mess things up. That's pretty much all what is stopping me from killing myself too since I have nothing to live for, totally lack ambition (which you have since you want a job, a meaningful relationship or for the world to include you) and motivation to achieve anything and have ran away from every possible oppitunity to glance in front of me. In my eyes, you've got a much better chance to suceed in this world. And if you really want to be taken serious and respected by other people in you life, you're going to have to go out and fight for it. otherwise you'll be stuck with people like me, and you seem like the kind of person who really doesn't want to be in assosiation with my types.

    Anyway, that's my reply.
  5. Deleted SKU

    Deleted SKU Well-Known Member

    I can relate to a lot of what you said.

    Firstly, its clear you've got a lot of self-deprecation, and difficulties with self worth going on. I know what that's like, guilty of it myself to a huge degree. Not going to bullshit you and say its something that you can get over easily... its a cycle, you feel like you've screwed something up, devalue yourself for it, and then logically feel that others must do the same... which makes you feel worse about yourself, and then every time something like that happens, it fits into the same pattern. Only two ways i could ever see of breaking the pattern, change the perception, or change the action. Both tough, but once that pattern is broken, it helps break down all that other stuff.

    Its good that you've managed to identify the areas which are particularly causing you difficulty (job, friends, and girls). I'd honestly say that, even how things are at the moment with work everywhere, the job is a good thing to focus on. Partly because having a bit of cash is always a comfort, and partly because it can so easily lead to friends, and depending on the work environment, even possibly girls (though girls, or more accurately relationships with them are overrated imo).

    Anyway, simplest questions first. What sort of work are you looking for? What's your background for it (education and all that stuff)? And what sort of feedback have you had from your attempts so far?
  6. total eclipse and raven wing. appreciate the concern and the hugs(wish i could get some real ones not e ones.) yeah i do gotta vent, cause if i don't it will build up and i will blow up.

    yes i was seeing a therapist, i just missed an appointment and was to nervous to call in and make a new one. plus the whole judging thing like people look down on you when you walk in, and how the mass society sees me, or my family on my back about it oh you don't need that. and then i'm thinkin my problems and minuscule compared to others he may see, and he may take me as a joke so i quit going. i used to take meds too, few of which helped, so i wanna try some good ones but see family is tripping on me about that but i can't really say anything i guess when you o.d. you can't be trusted with meds.

    thanks for the reply. appreciate it alot. you seem really intelligent and thoughtful when it comes to this big thing called life, i like a lot of what you say.
    yeah man cutting is annoying having scars is just impractical i think, always getting weird looks and questions from everyone, plus managing them like hygeine, annoying for sure! i like to drink man, it chills me out. im more of a cannabis smoker though, or a benzo taker(anxiety) like i don't take them to get high or abuse i take a regular dose just to put me in the frame you know? just be. lsd... i haven't tripped yet. but i probably will when it comes along. i'm interested in different states of consciousness

    well i think we all do it(self pity) too. and i think that like maybe it's easier on 3rd world countries like the comedian said because they're hopes and dreams aren't as big and high as ours maybe, for the reason mentioned or maybe cuz, it's like close nit communities working together to live and they have company around and they all enjoy the small things in life, and they're not all tripping about technology and money to have a good time.

    yeah man. i hate being broke , and living with my rents aint gonna work out i been homeless a few times from them trippin on me, like if they start trippin on me, i will either do one of two things, raise immortal heck to prove my point cause that seems like the only way to get it across and have the law called or just leave and go live in a shelter or something. i don't really take kindly to anyones stuff anymore, if someone flares on me, i feel the need to just give it right back harder, and if i feel like im being controlled or something in don't put up with it, i will get justice and freedom... many uh nights have i been out in the cold dead winter night strolling aimlessly wondering what to do? and is it worth to sacrifice the comforts of middle class western society for true freedom?

    ahh i don't believe in stealing, but honestly no one is putting up for me, helping me, no job oppurtunities and im not living broke. i'm not gonna have it for much longer, something is probably gonna have to happen like that to get on my feet.

    yeah sex is sex... i like it a lot i'm not really tripping about sex in itself, but i jsut regret not saving it for someone i really admired. and being taken advantage of.

    sometimes i feel God is real and just to be patient others i feel he is not, or he is and has forsaken me. the satan thing? well yeah that was overboard but i was desperate.

    hope? i don't want to drop that... like i want to be optimistic and happy about my future and what could happen. but i see your point, i mean be real about it. you're only gonna get what you get. no big thing is gonna happen less you make it happen.

    i want to be in association with open minded, deep thinking, creative, non judgemental individuals who want to enjoy life uninhibited.

    thats weird i was thinking like, if i stay as i am, will i not attract others as i am? funny. I do see that all these years i've been like this, i've pulled others to me somehow that are the same or worse... power of attraction i suppose.


    thanks for the reply and the relation.

    i have high schol diploma, though i have been looking for a job since i was 16. before i graduated. i've had some bad experiences.

    1. First was at a grocery store, i was there 15 minutes early dressed to impress and put on my manners and all that. the manager was an hour late then couldn't do it and had to have an employee do it, and i didn't get hired.

    2. a resturant. the woman was smiling and laughing on the phone smoking cigarettes and told me to forget about it.

    3. wal mart- basically i just got really nervous and acted kinda weird and didn't get hired.

    4. resturant- they called and said i had an interview and then when i called back to get times they said the person decided not to quit after all.

    5. resturant- first they say they're gonna call me at designated time the next day to let me know. then they don't and i call them a bit after and they're working on scedhuling. after that i get another time the next day that they are going to call me, and i called a bit after to see what was up about not calling and the women was out of town. then the next day same thing, cept she didn't even have work that day.

    i just feel like they all want to bs me or something.

    pretty much just looking for any opening i can get right now. wanna get a car and such before i go to college.

    see one part of me thinks yeah thats the way to go, then im like this town and givin up nothing to me, helping me. and i think to go another route.
  7. DeAdwOrLD

    DeAdwOrLD Well-Known Member

    Hi, forsaken. I read your posts and it made a lot of sense. Life just isn't what it promised to be in the early days, eh? I am in complete agreement with you.

    Suicide though...really? I mean I'm in a hole right now myself even though I've got some great things going on. You seem like you're well grounded and you're not crazy, that's for sure! I really think you should give yourself a break and a pat on the back. Credit where its due - you're trying! Life is difficult make no mistake but don't put more obstacles in your path. Take it easy and don't judge yourself. Like me you're probably your worse own enemy.

    Suicide is so...permanent. You talk well about your experiences and stuff which I read with great interest. I'd hate to see you make a critical error. What would happen then? You too cool to lose to suicide!
  8. yeah man. right now im kinda alrite. a lil melancholy but i got my music goin and al lthat chillin.

    i just get really discouraged sometimes you know? sometimes i really really just need to chill out. like i'll be really depressed suicidal and shit. or worked up about things not going right raised immortal hell. or just worrying and tripping out about things.

    i just need to chill sometimes, but it's mroe than just chilling, like I need something to fall back on when I'm like that. cause i've done some drastic things in those mindstates.

    i think sleep. is lifes anti suicide. when you get TIRED of life , what do you do? sleep. lol kinda a joke. but seriously.
  9. DeAdwOrLD

    DeAdwOrLD Well-Known Member

    Well, when I get into that circular way of thinking and I see now end in sight I play my guitar or I talk to friends or sometimes take recreational drugs. But only about once a month or so. I get what you mean though, you need something to break through, to find inspiration to keep on going even though you know it's pretty futile.

    I'm sorry things are difficult for you with employment and your aspirations. I really am. You seem to know what's going on though, you know? But it's their loss if employers or whoever cannot see that.
  10. yeah thanks man. that whole job thing is really eerkin me. I mean i'm tired of walking everywhere, and getting the third degree over just asking for a ride from someone, it just seems people with shit don' wanna help with shit? ya know? tired of never having any cash, man it would help if i could have some money to go out on here n there, just to let off some steam, i get the third degree just wanting a pack of cigarettes. man, i hate asking anyway, i feel like a parasite. i mean it beats stealing and robbing, which there are times i seriously consider a burglary or something just to get a lil pocket change cause no one wnats to help me out. it's buggin me man... bad.

    i like to take this thing called "lorazepam" it really just chills me to earth and puts me on the level of not high inebriated messed up, just chill in the moment enjoying without over worrying about things(though you know not apathetic just not mind racing 24 7) if i could get it prescribed it could really help me when i get those moments going.

    i play guitar too! and i love music. friends i have very few... i have to walk several miles to go see em so it's kinda hard.
  11. DeAdwOrLD

    DeAdwOrLD Well-Known Member

    Thing is you give the impression that you're disinterested in the world, that you lack ambition but you really are quite observant unlike a lot of people who perhaps feel disconnected from their life somehow. You've got the backbone to admit to yourself 'this world is a big joke and I can see that now.' you have hope cos at least you know what's going on.

    Though I do think you are too tough on yourself lol

    I like the way you think. It's not often you find such a dignified attitude towards life even when things look so bleak!
  12. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    Everyone has their reasons for being suicidal and every situation affects everyone differently as well as everyone has a different tolerance level. So, don't feel your feelings aren't valid.

    About a job.. Many people right now are unemployed. It's a really hard job market for everyone right now. And it seems hopeless for many to find a job. You aren't alone in that.

    About relationships.. Sometimes love comes when we aren't looking for it, but rather when we begin to accept ourselves and be ourselves, others will notice and be attracted to our individualism. And those will be people who love you for who you are, not by what you impress them with.

    With the Boredom.. Maybe you should find some clubs to join. There are websites like meetup.com that have groups based on interest. And that may also help you meet people and make friends. And also, by being on SF you can make some friends here too.

    Lastly I would like to say Welcome to SF! :hug:

    I'm here if you ever want to talk and might be cool if you ever wanted to join everyone in the chat room. It can be pretty cool to be able to talk to people in there. :)
  13. yeah i know the economy is bad and stuff, but being reminded of it( not just you everyone brings this up) it just makes me for even more just discouraged. i hate being broke and i am seriously very bugged by it.

    yeah. it's not about game it's about compatibility.

    yeah. no money, no clubs. lol. pretty much how that is.
  14. tappa

    tappa Well-Known Member

    you should try volunteering locally. no money needed. no skills needed. no commitment needed. can provide ya with a way of meeting people and a little rewarding feeling too. plus it looks great on ur cv! :)
  15. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    There are free clubs though on meetup.com You don't have to have money to join one. Only to make one on that site. :)
  16. thanks you two! definantely gonna follow through on that.
  17. Yarrick2k5

    Yarrick2k5 Member

    Late reply to thread.

    Forsaken. Just read your reply, and i can totally see where you're coming from.

    In a way you holding onto hope is good thing. Just look at that homeless man with golden voice thing who suddenly god a job simpy because a video og him became viral. So even the most destitute of people can spring back up. So good luck with the life thing.

    Heh, thanks.
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