I don't really like this kinda stuff, I know people have harder situations in life than I and it is very selfish to wallow in my own pity, while there is so much messed up things in this world but... I've really been contemplating suicide, immensely for a very long period of time. Probably about a year now, and I've had 2 attempts in that time, one an overdose and another slitting my wrists. but now i'm thinking of going through with it for real, like all the way through. life just seems to be, not coming up.... you see. In my experience, in my mind, tendencies are consistencies. what tends happens always happens(though not always.) I've learned to expect the worst I suppose... 1.I've never landed a job, even though I've been trying for four years now. this is one thing that very much aggravates me. I am an adult, and I should at least be able to support myself in some ways. have some nice things, although I know happiness is not based on material objects, I would like to be able to have some nice things, have a good time, and support myself a bit. I've had 6 interviews in this time period. out of multiple applications, calls, check ins in person all that. Not one job either. NOT ONE. it's really discouraging, and then you have people getting on you about getting one, when your trying very hard! and nothing seems to suffice, no results. I consider maybe making ONE ONE just ONE big hit somewhere, maybe hit a house or maybe... like idk a good robbery you know? so i can get a sum of money to start out with, get on my feet and go on with life. cause no one is gonna gimme a chance in this world it seems, so i need to forget others and just fiend for ME. I hate the boredom of this. parents house, their just up in alms about most anything. no car. no phone. no money. it wouldn't be so bad if I had some friends to chill with, I have one... but his family hates me and always raises heck about me walking over there. Actually a lot of peoples families have done this to me... so with that and the job thing, I feel like some how maybe I"m just a bad egg and people can tell. So I think like a job, is not going to happen and I need to do something alterior to get on my feet and be a true human being on my own. 2. I've had very few friends throughout my life, I was never popular in school, it was rare I would get out of the house in High School, and even now the few "Friends" i did have don't come around. I try to socialize but no one seems interested or something. I always feel like a third wheel in a group, like im just tagging along, not with it. I feel like a nuisance to people, even my family. I feel like people are like, thinking bad things about me, and even ridiculing me cleverly. My "friends" ditched me a lot. they didn't come around a lot. it feels like a freaking dream just to chill with some one, when it actually happens. I feel like I am just prone to being rejected, for some reason. always felt like an outsider. always have. 3. Girls... well I've had several sexual conquests none real relationships, none of who I really liked, or maybe even was attracted to just desperate for affection. definitely not love. I felt more taken advantage of, than enjoyed it. even though it was will and not rape, still I feel ashamed of some of it, and I wish I could change it. girls I have really liked, and went for I messed it up. I would always(and still do with people in general though to) think they're thinking bad thoughts about me, ridiculing me with their friends, embarrassed to be around me, or even that I don't deserve someone. I didn't go to prom dances dating girlfriends, none of that. so love would be like a dream. it's un real to me i don't see it happening. then just in my head, my mind is always going, it dosen't chill out. worrying. wondering. pondering. something. sometimes i get this like energy, and i feel very awesome, like not h igh, i just feel good about myself and motivated to do things and i try very hard at life and to have a good time, but then I'll be like back to sleep all day, hate myself, no hope ol' me. things ill do when i feel good though, i regret or feel embaressed about later on and they will fuel the depression. I think God has forsaken me, it seems as if he will answer anyones prayers, except mine. seems as if he'll connect with anyone besides me. seems as if he will bestow blessings on anyone besides me! I thought to sell my soul to satan. I cut my self and signed my name in blood on a letter to satan i wrote, and burned it to signify hell fire, maybe it would mystically get to him. and he will help me in life, unlike christ who dosen't want to help with anything. now I have no faith in nothing, or i waver a lot between ideas, sides, and all. I feel lonely. very lonely. I feel like im a burden to people, unwanted, not even going to try for people anymore. heck i get nervous just walking into a store, like everyone is watching and judging me. or when i put in an app, the managers and employees are laughing and thinking pssh yeah right. my mind is always racing. never chilling as i said. i've got to have my music on or in a hot bath or something just to keep my mind from going chaotic. i just want to be face to face with the world in front of me, not floating away in my mind all the time! I just think good things in life, that a lot of people take for granted. is never going to happen for me. simple things. i am losing hope really in this life thing... dismal. prospects are not in sight for anything right. so im just thinking should i end it tonight? anyway... i could go on and on. i just would like to vent. maybe get some sympathy and some advice and stuff. i don't expect it though. well peace yall.