My entire family setting has been very chaotic recently. I feel like the majority of it is my fault. I used to be a cutter, or in someways still concider myself one, but I have no cut in over 2 years, quite an accomplishment and i'm proud of myself. Recently, I have found myself grabbing knifes, and dragging them across my skin, not cutting in tho, just gently dragging it over my skin. I want to so bad. but I cant give up or give in. and I've been fighting, believe me I have, I have been fighting hard. but then one day, I came home, and my mother was sitting on the couch. I saw a cut on her arm. and she told me she had cut herself. now everything is going crazy in my head. is it my fault? I had to leave my school for various complicated reasons, and since then all these problems have come up. why does cutting have to feel so good? why do sharp objects call my name? but I can't give in... Something that will potentially anger everyone: I ran into someone that said cutting wasnt addictive. I felt like hurting them. or making them know what it feels like to be in the black world of addiction.. the feeling...the trapped feeling..the helplessness.. I remember those feelings. not being able to stop, even when I wanted to. finding myself in public restrooms cutting. wanting so badly to stop, but I couldnt, I couldnt go even a day without it. Maybe, Maybe if I remember what it was like it will keep me from doing it. Why is it all so hard?