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My mom doesn't let me be independent

ShyGuy

Well-Known Member
#1
Ya know how I said before (I think) like 2 years ago on here that whenever I took a walk back at my parents house, within 5 minutes like the cops would come after me saying my mom is worried about me and every time that didn't happen, they'd always be my mom and others outside screaming my name even though I was only on a walk for 10 minutes and my mom kept saying she's afraid a pedophile will kidnap me and I say I'm 30 years old and she said I'm too naive and I'd still get kidnapped?

Well, the other day like 3 days ago, she kept calling me when I was on a walk being mad that I was walking outside at 6:30pm and I lied for once in my life saying I'm at home and not on a walk, and then she told me to turn the TV on to prove it to her that I'm home. and then a car honked at me on my way back to my apartment and it looked like my grandma's car (she lives close to me) and I think my mom sent her to check on me. and it wasn't even 7pm yet.

And she told me I have to do something (put stuff on the side of the fridge and do other stuff with my fridge and I kept telling her I like my fridge the way its decorated now) and then said to call her back to make sure I did what she said and then told me that she's gonna send my dad to come over and make sure I did it.

Well that happened today again, where my mom called me on the phone and told me to do like 3 things I don't feel like doing at all I didn't even listen partway through cuz its nothing I even want to do at all. And then before she said bye, she said she's gonna call back to make sure I did the 3 things she told me to do.

I wish my mom let me be more independent.
 

Legate Lanius

Try not to kill yourself 2020 challenge.
#2
That's fucking horrible. I'm 22 and my parents wouldn't be able to do that shit since I'd just fucking kms instantly in that case. Have you told her about how you feel and how much independence (real or perceived) means to you?
 

Quietus

Well-Known Member
#3
Wait, you're 30?

Yeah, you have to set some boundaries. Put your foot down.

Let your mother, and any of your other relatives know that they need to quit their nonsense.

Your mother's behavior is not normal at all. It's extremely controlling and paranoid.

It seems as though she is able to get other relatives to participate in this behavior as well?

I dunno, if it were me, I would cut the cord on all of 'em.
 

Dark111

Scholar's Mate
SF Supporter
#4
Ya know how I said before (I think) like 2 years ago on here that whenever I took a walk back at my parents house, within 5 minutes like the cops would come after me saying my mom is worried about me and every time that didn't happen, they'd always be my mom and others outside screaming my name even though I was only on a walk for 10 minutes and my mom kept saying she's afraid a pedophile will kidnap me and I say I'm 30 years old and she said I'm too naive and I'd still get kidnapped?

Well, the other day like 3 days ago, she kept calling me when I was on a walk being mad that I was walking outside at 6:30pm and I lied for once in my life saying I'm at home and not on a walk, and then she told me to turn the TV on to prove it to her that I'm home. and then a car honked at me on my way back to my apartment and it looked like my grandma's car (she lives close to me) and I think my mom sent her to check on me. and it wasn't even 7pm yet.

And she told me I have to do something (put stuff on the side of the fridge and do other stuff with my fridge and I kept telling her I like my fridge the way its decorated now) and then said to call her back to make sure I did what she said and then told me that she's gonna send my dad to come over and make sure I did it.

Well that happened today again, where my mom called me on the phone and told me to do like 3 things I don't feel like doing at all I didn't even listen partway through cuz its nothing I even want to do at all. And then before she said bye, she said she's gonna call back to make sure I did the 3 things she told me to do.

I wish my mom let me be more independent.
Have you tried rebelling? When you're out on a walk, maybe ignore her phone calls, plug in your headphones and blast Rage Against The Machine instead. It will of course make her head spin initially, but stick to your guns. In my experience, people only persist in treating others the way they do because they get the subdued obedience they're aiming for. Why give her victory over and over again? You don't have to rude about it, just firm and decisive.

Give yourself permission to allow yourself your own needs, right to privacy and self-autonomy. I wish you well.
 

Bergerac

Lost are only those who abandon themselves
#5
To give this a bit of context, I just wonder if their concern is borne out if some of the things that have happened with you in the past, and how you're reacted. You've clearly cone on leaps and bounds since then, as you've acknowledged, but some of that residual fear remains with your family. They've come to expect certain things and just try to cover all bases to protect you. Which at least shows they care.

With you becoming more independent and wanting to move forward though, its totally understandable that you're frustrated and want to lift some of the barriers they are still trying to impose. Without them doing so, I suspect you feel you may get so annoyed, you take a step or two backwards, and they create a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I would try and keep calm, keep doing what you're currently doing, but allow them to check on you, as long as its not excessive. This will build up trust and over time, as they realise you've turned a corner, it will lessen.

Play a longer game and you will continue to improve, without alienating your family and losing crucial support you may need one day.
 

Aurelia

🔶🔸✴ 👑 ✴🔸🔶
#6
I would definitely start to ignore her phone calls if she refuses to give you the space you need. I constantly ignore my mother when she calls me because I already know she's just going to bitch and complain about something or other. I don't have to listen to that if I don't want to and neither do you.
 

ShyGuy

Well-Known Member
#7
Have you tried rebelling? When you're out on a walk, maybe ignore her phone calls, plug in your headphones and blast Rage Against The Machine instead. It will of course make her head spin initially, but stick to your guns. In my experience, people only persist in treating others the way they do because they get the subdued obedience they're aiming for. Why give her victory over and over again? You don't have to rude about it, just firm and decisive.

Give yourself permission to allow yourself your own needs, right to privacy and self-autonomy. I wish you well.
I would definitely start to ignore her phone calls if she refuses to give you the space you need. I constantly ignore my mother when she calls me because I already know she's just going to bitch and complain about something or other. I don't have to listen to that if I don't want to and neither do you.
Yup I did ignore her phone calls an earlier time that she did this, but then my dad and my brother both kept texting me saying "yo call your mom she really wants you to call her" and they kept texting me over and over telling me to call my mom.

Thank you for all the advice!
 

foreverforgotten

Quiet Observer
SF Supporter
#8
As an adult.. You need your space. They need help... There is a codependency issue here maybe.. You need boundaries from them. If your living situation is dependent on them however, I would play it safe until you can find a way out. But maybe try to explain to them that you need your space sometimes? And that you'll check in with them as a compromise?
 
#9
Ya know how I said before (I think) like 2 years ago on here that whenever I took a walk back at my parents house, within 5 minutes like the cops would come after me saying my mom is worried about me and every time that didn't happen, they'd always be my mom and others outside screaming my name even though I was only on a walk for 10 minutes and my mom kept saying she's afraid a pedophile will kidnap me and I say I'm 30 years old and she said I'm too naive and I'd still get kidnapped?

Well, the other day like 3 days ago, she kept calling me when I was on a walk being mad that I was walking outside at 6:30pm and I lied for once in my life saying I'm at home and not on a walk, and then she told me to turn the TV on to prove it to her that I'm home. and then a car honked at me on my way back to my apartment and it looked like my grandma's car (she lives close to me) and I think my mom sent her to check on me. and it wasn't even 7pm yet.

And she told me I have to do something (put stuff on the side of the fridge and do other stuff with my fridge and I kept telling her I like my fridge the way its decorated now) and then said to call her back to make sure I did what she said and then told me that she's gonna send my dad to come over and make sure I did it.

Well that happened today again, where my mom called me on the phone and told me to do like 3 things I don't feel like doing at all I didn't even listen partway through cuz its nothing I even want to do at all. And then before she said bye, she said she's gonna call back to make sure I did the 3 things she told me to do.

I wish my mom let me be more independent.
You and me, both.

A lot of times, I feel like I'm being oppressed by my parents, too.
 

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