my mom has been treating me like shit all my life

#1
a few days ago i set some boundaries with my mom. i don't want her to come over uninvited again. i moved out at 18 and barely visit my family (a few hours once in a while, tops!). i have tried to give every hint possible that i don't want them in my life/want to limit contact. my mom guilt trips me constantly for not talking to her, she tells me i don't appreciate her, have forgotten about my family etc.

a month before i moved i got into a fight with my parents over some ear piercings i got. my dad had me backed into a corner and was screaming at me and all my mom did was close the windows so the neighbors wouldn't hear his screaming. that day i packed a backpack and was about to hit the road. i told them I'll move and never come back again.

since I've moved I've heard things from them such as "you'll never get rid of us". they have come to my house uninvited, 30 mins before i had to be at work as a "surprise" which they thought I'd like. they invite themselves here whenever they want with no consideration for me and my personal space or private life. when they come to my house my mom usually complains about the mess, complains about my work hours, complains about my housemates etc. i don't like having her here, she's overbearing. she goes through my things, she goes through my underwear drawers etc.

i haven't given her reasons to not trust me when i was living with her.

last time she invited herself here, i told her I'd appreciate it if she told me ahead of time that she wants to come, that day i was tired and wanted to sleep. she got so angry, called me immature, told me i don't respect my family and don't love them and that one day the wheel will turn and I'll come back to her crying cause I'll need her.

i don't get anything from my family, i pay all my bills and my share of the rent. my mom owes me money that she borrowed over the time after i had moved.

i feel so guilty for setting boundaries. i was very polite about it. i have a fear of confrontation and it's very difficult for me to voice my thoughts and stand up for myself. i don't know how to deal with my family anymore.
 
#2
Sorry that you're going through this Brandi. Your family certainly does sound overbearing, invasive, and at times outright abusive.

Do you want advice about how to deal with them? It's ok if you don't.

Sending hugs.
 
#4
i feel so guilty for setting boundaries. i was very polite about it. i have a fear of confrontation and it's very difficult for me to voice my thoughts and stand up for myself.
I wonder if assertiveness training might be helpful. Like either a book about it or a class. I think a core concept in that is that you have a right to express what you think and feel.

In principle, not opening the door if they come without your permission, getting a restraining order, or moving and not telling them your new address might be ways of dealing with this, though I can understand how what you've said above might make some of those things too difficult.

In principle, you could try going to family therapy with them if they are willing.
 

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