Just got off the phone with my mom again. She keeps giving me a hard time about me smoking. I chose to smoke as an adult and I know it is bad for me, but I still choose to smoke. I know I am in control of what I want to do to my body even if it harms me. This is my only rebellion to my controlling mom. This is the only thing in my life that I chose for myself. Not the wish of my mom. I got so angry with her that I told her not to ever see me again, not even for the holidays. Then I told her not to even include me in her will because since I'm on disability and can't have much assets. Therefore, it is a burden for her to set up a will that will not affect my disability income, the only thing that helps me financially, even though I'm very poor. I now remember that many of my past suicide attempts were out of contempt for my mom's negative judgment on me and I wished I died because of her. I am very angry right now and a lot of past feelings about how much I hate my mom makes me want to kill myself again. I told her don't even care if I die because then I won't upset her anymore.