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my mom

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by letty, Aug 24, 2012.

  1. letty

    letty Banned Member

    I didnt know her to well, she gave me up when i was 8yrs old, there was alot of abuse and neglect
    wheni was growing up, she didnt protect me from being raped by her boyfriend.
    she died on this past new years eve. from cancer, I went and said good by to her before she died.
    but there are still many unanswered questions , why the abuse why the allowed rape,
    i miss you even though I didnt know her, i grew up with out her in my life, raised by the system
    today is her birthday , the first year with out her i miss her still
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Sometimes, we miss the idea of a mother as much as the person...I know that was true for me with my father...he was a wretched human being, but I loved him and also missed him as a father figure when he died...so sorry about your loss, and what you went through
  3. letty

    letty Banned Member

    thank you Sadeyes sorry about your Dad, I love my mom even though all this stuff happened , today
    is fillled with alot of mixed emotions . i lost her twice as a mother and now she is gone again but for good
    i do miss the idea of having a mom. sorry for whinning
  4. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Letty, just saw this. I'm sorry for your loss. Know that I'm thinking of you. :hug:
  5. letty

    letty Banned Member

    Thank you Acy i appreciate it
  6. BornFree

    BornFree Well-Known Member

    Letty Im so sorry for your loss. I know the void & pain of missing a Mom its never easy & no matter what age we are sometimes we just need the strength & reassurance of a mothers unconditional love. Words are not enough... :arms:
  7. letty

    letty Banned Member

    thank you so much Ditsy I ihave so many mixed emotions i miss her ,
  8. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    It is not whining to reflect on something that is a part of all of us. We are supposed to learn from our mothers how to mother ourselves. But you had that taken away from you, twice now! You had to learn how to mother yourself from a broken system, and I imagine now you still struggle with figuring out how to best take care of yourself, or how to best decide which things are good for you, or how to make decisions and follow through with them and the consequences they may carry etc...

    The support system was not there for you, and it's a loss that is absolutely acceptable to reflect upon. How you feel about her, probably should be mixed after what you said, that she may have allowed abuse, and there are many answers which you still don't have etc...

    Children do look to their parents for the answers to things; obviously the things you were looking to answer were probably things that no child should even have to ask in the first place.

    Perhaps while she was alive, even without her being in your life, you might have felt like somehow you still had a "mother", even if she was not maternal in her instincts... she still physically was alive. Now that she has passed, can you say that you have a mother any more?

    Other people whose mothers have passed may be able to look back and still talk as if they had a mom, and talk about the good memories, and all the things they miss; but I imagine the things you miss are quite deep, the opportunities that have gone by, the basic needs that were never met, the love that took so long to even find etc...

    What Sadeyes said may have hit the nail on the head too, that perhaps you are missing the idea of the person and what could have been, more than anything else. As you said, you have mixed feelings. You probably wanted her to be so much more for you... and that opportunity was taken away in her death. Another robbing from your life... another abandonment, only more permanent.

    But, again, a mother's role is truly to teach us how to mother ourselves, and how to take care of ourselves; so if you miss her, as the mother, and as the person; memorialise her in a nice way, by taking on a task that you probably should be doing to take care of yourself, and work on it, and get good at it. Become comfortable with it, and love it. Nurture yourself a bit, that would be the best way perhaps to come to terms with such a loss, and to begin healing at least in a little way. Just a thought.