Another new month, another crisis. I have previously been in a pshyc hospital and spent 6 months in a locked institutoin and have been deemed unemployable. I've applied for ssi benefits over a year ago and doing all the needed waiting. I was released to live at my former residence but the system thought I needed to move away so they cut my funding. I made it several months at my former residence and then gave in. They moved me to a little town with virtually no work available. They supply me with food stamps and $200 a month to pay my bills. Since I've moved here uts been one crisis after another. One month they will cut my funding so I have to go fight for it. Another month they raised my rent way beyond my means of paying. It took a couple of weeks of fighting but I won that one. Another month I had to prove I am disabled. Now this month its the electric company. I've paid what I owe every month but an old bill from 5 years ago caught up to me. Now they want payment in full....now! I got the notice last Saturday and couldn't do anything until today (Monday) The shut off has already been scheduled for the next few days and they will not accept partial payment. I applied for energy assistance some months ago. My application is still in the process and they can't help until the power is shut off. A part of my lease agreement states that if my power is shut off due to lack of payment, I will be evicted. I spent the entire day talking with the folks at energy assistance and the power company. I didn't give up until the end of the work day. Now I am done. I did my best and this time I just couldn't win. I sat in my chiar for hours into the darkness thinking how easy it would be to just take a handful of pills and go to sleep. The thought consumes my mind and I entertain the idea very realisticly. I came here to post my thoughts and maybe get some sort of comfort to ease things a bit. Then I find an anti pill popper had made a post! I discounted their idea as their own opinion. I won't be popping pills tonight. I gotta see how this months crisis plays out. But then, who knows? Did I mention my car died this week? I also have a part time job. Its for the disabled. I get bused to work 6 hours a day, three days a week. Because its for the disabled I get paid by the piece which equates to roughly $3 an hour. And I am the highest paid person there. I am a skilled tradesman and there is no work in this part of the state so I feel so trapped by the system. One part of the system wants me to find work. The other part of the system says I have to live in poverty. I have humbled myself and do with out what I can't afford. I don't have cable or telephone. I live within my means. I have become somewhat of a vegetarian to keep costs down. Now I sit here & wonder if I will be joining the ranks of the homeless...again. I don't think so. There are too many pills that need to be popped.