my mood swings scare the hell out of me

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by justastrangegirl, Apr 26, 2013.

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  1. justastrangegirl

    justastrangegirl Well-Known Member

    :Cry: i feel overwhelmed by my mood swings. I can't stand it anymore. I'd feel normal,not happy nor sad, and 5 minutes later I'd be in tears for whatever reason.

    What I feel most is guilt. Guilt for treating my parents so bad. For being rude. Guilt because deep down I know I'm responsible for their financial debacle, hence their constant fights.

    I don't know why am I in such a terrible mood all the time. I'm miserable. NOTHING but absolutely NOTHING I want ever happens. I know I take it out on them.

    My mom's always wishing the best for me, but she makes these little comments that make my blood boil. For instance, she'd call me lazy, bitter girl, or she'd nag me for not wanting to work where my father's mistresses used to work (and she knows they were his mistresses).

    As for my father, on one hand I just can't forgive him for what he's done. I can't believe he'd choose scum over us. Last week, while I was working at his office, I received a text message from one of his "former" mistresses; she obviously just wanted to bother me. I re-sent the text to my father's mobile phone, and next thing he does is come to the office and argue with ME. He was actually mad at ME. He called me stupid, and said that I would change my mobile number if I didn't want to receive messages from his mistresses. How messed up is that?? At least, for the very first time in my life I confronted him (or anyone actually).

    On the other hand, I feel extremely sorry for everything that he's been through in his childhood and teen years. Until now, his "friends" only use him for money or even some of them pretend they don't know my dad whenever we ran into them. That's why I feel guilty for mistreating him. I feel I'm going to explode anytime soon.

    I just believe they'd be better off without me. They don't need my ongoing drama. I'm a shadow of what I could have been. I was the best in everything I did. Now I'm nothing, and I'm 22. I dropped out of college to pursue my dream of studying abroad, but now I feel that I'm not worthy of that kind of financial sacrifice. All I do is give them heartaches and tears :Cry:
  2. skinnylove911

    skinnylove911 Well-Known Member

    Can you speak to your father how your moods are affecting you right now and see what he says. if not are you getting any professional support right now?

    i hope this helps.
  3. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Hi. After reading your post, all I can think of is how sorry I am for how they are handling things. When parents say such things as what you wrote, it can really errode on their child. I do not see where this is your fault at all. With my parents, yes they said and did some good things. But they also said and did some very destructive things. Because they said and did good things also, I always blamed myself. How could they be bad when they say and do some good things. But they also were quite toxic.

    The remedy, as far as I am concerned is counselling. Because we tend to internalize all sorts of things that need to be sorted out so that our parents actions no longer can cause harm to our lives. This is how I see it.

    I do want to tell you that no matter how much you think your parents would be better off without you, this is never ever the case. The death of a child is something no parent can ever recover from. Never ever. No matter how mucn you think they could or would recover, this is not acurate :hug: So I wanted you to know that.

    I do hope you can find counselling so you can get support that you so deserve. The suffering is not your fault. But it is up to you to get the help you deserve to heal some of it :hug:
    AND........ Keep posting !
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