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My mother and my cousin

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#1
I was kidnapped and raped by my own mother, who I recently just got back in contact with. She denies everything. I’m in my 20’s now and hadn’t spoke to her since I was 8. I’ve always just wanted to know the truth of what happened to me but she denies having anything to do with it and tries to council me instead, or tell me the system is corrupt. When I was about 14 my cousin came over when I was home alone, I was scared to be home alone for the first time over night, but I knew my cousin had bad intentions and still allowed him to come over. He made me do things with him and I was too scared to stop the situation. I carry a huge weight on my shoulders because of it, I’m disgusting for letting that happen. I try to tell myself it wasn’t my fault but it was, I let it happen. These two situations haunt me, I wish I could erase it all but it just weighs over me. I feel like I’ll never be able to have a stable relationship with anyone because I either trust too much or not at all. I don’t know what to do anymore.
 

Walker

Everything Zen
Staff member
ADMIN
SF Social Media
SF Supporter
#2
First, sexual assault is never your fault. When people say they "allowed" it to happen, that's a product of not doing "enough" to stop it in their eyes, which means they didn't beat up or kill their attacker. That means they froze, zoned out, were too confused, etc to do anything at the time. That doesn't mean you "allowed it". That's the baby steps of assault here. You could really use some real life counseling if you're barely in your 20's and dealing with something that has happened more than once. That's seriously messed up.

Second, I hope you can connect with other people here who have similar or related experiences. I'm not one of them but they are here and will come along and reply. I wish you the best, Laura. Welcome to the forum.
 
#3
I just feel like I knew what the situation was an I allowed it to happen. I do understand what you mean though. And I know, I really should speak to a therapist, but I’m too scared to speak to anyone about it. I judge myself so harshly, I don’t know if I could handle more judgement from others. And thank you!
 

Petal

SF dreamer
Staff member
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#4
Hi there @Laura002 I am so sorry you had to endure what happened as a kid and thereafter, I honestly don't have any words of advice just a comforting hug and wishing you the best, oh a little advice- go to the counseling, it i scary at first but could help you a lot! Thinking of you and keep posting if it helps.

 
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