Triggering.... My mother is abusing me, I know I'm not in any relationship right now but around her I just feel as if I can't be myself. If I show her anything that interests me or find funny, she doesn't really seem all that interested. This pretty went through out my whole life. After my real father got arrested for sexually abusing my brother and I, my mother pretty much raised up. Than she got remarried to someone else and he became a fatherly figure to me. He's very respectful towards me, he cares about me but he doesn't honestly think I suffer from depression or ptsd. Think thinks disorders strictly don't exist, however beyond that we get along. My mother and him fight constantly, when they do it's brutal. It wouldn't seriously surprised me if they got a divorce. Never realized this before but I continue to suffer with low self esteem, depression and crying spells. During growing up, I felt misunderstood by my family and they didn't understand what was going on. Anytime I mother see's me crying, she yells at me and says, "Why are you crying?" "What is wrong with you?" "Are you mental?" Those phrases constantly stick to me anytime I cry and when I cry now I have to do it alone. I hate crying infront of people or showing those kinds of emotions, I feel like it's wrong and if I cry...I seriously feel like I am mental. If I go out anywhere, she wants to know who I'm hanging out with. I'm 32 years old, why does she want to know? One time she was talking about one of my ex boyfriends and said, "We shouldn't have let stay the night with him." I told her you can't control and try to protect me from everything. If someone is going to hurt my feelings or somehow abuse me, it's going to happen. I'm completely isolated now cause if my parents don't like the people I meet, they're simply not allowed over. If I go out with them, I hear it from them. Right now I'm suffering severe depression, I feel like my mother won't let me grow up and become independent. Once I told her I was going to go to college and live on my own, she didn't seem too happy. In fact she said, "How you going to do that?" "I don't think your able to do that." On top of that a few moments ago, I posted up a poem I wrote and I just now took it down cause she's on my friends list....and I know if she see's it she'll just yell at me for posting it up. Now I'm beginning to think that expressing yourself is wrong. That I shouldn't have any type of emotion or feelings, I'm starting to hate my life and I don't smile anymore. Now I smirk.... I told people I'm being abused but they think my mother is just looking after me. However last year I was happy and now I'm no longer happy cause things just have gotten worse for me and I feel like I can't be myself around my mother. Now I act happy and act like everything is fine, cause if I'm not happy: my mother will pack up everything, run away cause she can't handle the way I am. She says she's gonna do this anytime I'm sad or cry cause of what happened to me in my past and for being in an abusive relationship. Sorry for this long post. Thanks for listening. If you need to ask me anything else please ask me in a comment. Thanks. Note: I believe this is why I'm suffering so badly.