My Mother is Dying

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by texaskitty, Nov 21, 2009.

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  1. texaskitty

    texaskitty SF Cat Lady Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    My mother who has Alzheimers, has passed the point of no return. She refuses to eat and her body is shutting down. She is in hospice care at the nursing home. Which is all sad. But its all so complicated. I don't know how to feel.

    When I told my mother that my dad was molesting me, she basically did nothing. My memory has gaps in it, but I don't think the abuse stopped then, just changed form. I was so afraid and sick to my stomack all the time.

    She always acted and a few years ago told me that he was number one. He took care of her until he got cancer. They were in the nursing home together until he passed away 2 years ago.

    I haven't kept in touch with my mother. I am angry with her. I have this love/hate thing with her as well as my dad. Now I must reengage and do the right thing.

    The passing, planning funeral, writing obit, all that falls to me, my brother will help of course. But he did the lion's share of my dad's passing so its my turn.

    Bad coping mechanisms have re-emerged.

    This is on top of being disabled due to the manic=dipressive disorder. And trying to figure out what to do with the day.

    Sorry, I've rambled, but I needed to get this out. If you are still reading, bless you.

    Thanks,
    Angie
     
  2. Scully

    Scully Well-Known Member

    I'm very sorry you're living that :hugtackles: It's very sad. Just keep on writing here.
     
  3. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    :hug: I'm praying for you. Keep posting here, get it out of your head so it doesn't knaw at you.
     
  4. texaskitty

    texaskitty SF Cat Lady Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Thanks for the support. I feel alone in this.

    The strangest thing is even though my family really hurt me, I miss having a family especially during the holidays.

    No family to have Thanksgiving with, no invitations, nothing. A lot is my fault because I have been isolated since I lost my job. But it makes me sad all the same.

    How can you love and hate and despise someone all at the same time? How can it be? There were so many ways she could have helped me but she didn't.. Didn't want to make waves. I wasn't worth it to her. Now at the end of her life when I should be there every minute I don't want to go.

    But I have to. Family expects it. And part of me wants to love her and I guess does.

    Incest is evil and it bears evil fruit.

    Thanks for listening

    Angie
     
  5. cownes

    cownes Well-Known Member

    Angie im so sorry to hear this, love and hate are such strong emotionsand are closely related and you have to love someone to be able to dislike them as you still care, i hope things get better for you soon, keep posting,
    tc
    maddy x
     
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hey sorry you have to suffer like this you love her because she is your mom our mind tells us that. It is sad to see anyone suffer in the end but i am glad she is in the care of professionals If you ask maybe the people in hospice care can help you make the necessary arrangements so when your mother does pass everything will be in order and that will be one less stress on your shoulder I am sure they can give you some support you need . I am glad you are able to talk here as well to release some of your emotions.
     
  7. HiddenTears

    HiddenTears Well-Known Member

    I don't know what I can say to help you feel better. You are in my thoughts and I hope you find the strength to make it through this rough time. I don't know your whole situation, and please forgive me if I'm completely wrong, but maybe you are being too tough on your mom. If your father was doing those things to you, maybe she was scared because something as bad/worse was happening to her from his hands. Abuse is never usually constrained to a one time thing. Although his actions are inexcuseable, your mom might be hiding the fact that she was going through much worse. Regardless that isn't a good excuse for allowing your child to be put in that situation, but it is possible. I know it's hard but try and keep an open mind as you see your mom again. This might be your last time, don't allow yourself to be overcome with hate/spite because you will feel terrible if that is the way you decided to end the relationship. Good luck with everything and I am hoping things get better for you.

    --Dom
     
  8. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    Hi Angie, I just want you to know you are not alone, as I know many members who have experienced the same or similar situations. I think you should follow your heart. If your heart tells you that you should forgive your mother for inaction, etc...go to her and be with her as much as you can. You don't want to be in a position years down the road with regrets.

    I think this is the safe route and the right way to go. In fact, now that I've
    thought about it a little more since I started to write this, maybe it's best to be there for her even if you are so angry you can barely face it. It may help to alleviate some of the anger you feel.

    Please pm me if you want to talk more about this privately.

    Mike
     
  9. Mikeintx

    Mikeintx Well-Known Member

    Ang, sorry we havn't talked much lately. I know this was weighing on your mind heavily before and I know how tough this situation must be for you right now. Let me know if I can do anything, hope you are okay.
     
  10. nelly

    nelly Banned Member

    Angie,

    you are amazing. All the bad things that have been done to you and you still have the capeability to care for your mum. it tells me how strong a person you really are. We can never change the past Angie but we do have control of our future. Keep talking and get all the poisen out. You deserve love and care now.
     
  11. texaskitty

    texaskitty SF Cat Lady Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Went to see her today, she didn't recognize me. It was awful.

    I have so many conflicted emotions about this. Any closure I might have had with her personally is out of the question. So I must do clossure in my head.

    So hard to know how to feel. I just know she is suffering and wish God would take her home and end the suffering.

    Thanks for the support.

    Angie
     
  12. Jack_Smart

    Jack_Smart Member

    hi there,

    we all are here to hear things from you. really you are the strongest person that makes me feel amazed about you. your care and affection towards your mom is nice thing to hear. keep writing and share things with us.
     
  13. texaskitty

    texaskitty SF Cat Lady Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Thanks Jack, I appreciate your support.

    Mom is having good days and bad days. Shes started eating again.

    I still have to arrange the funeral.
    Not looking forward to that.

    Thanks, Angie
     
  14. Little_me

    Little_me Well-Known Member

    Hi Texaskitty
    I'm so sorry for what you are going through right now! I can't imagine... But your reaction is not uncommon. Many people in your situation miss what they once had, before all the horrible things happened to them.

    Do you feel that you want to talk to your mother? Try the "empty chair technique", google it. You won't talk to the her IRL, but it can give you peace in your mind.

    Keep posting, wish you the best
     
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