my mother shows strangers my scars...

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by rosalee, Jul 30, 2009.

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  1. rosalee

    rosalee Well-Known Member

    I apologize in advance if this is only tangentially related to self-harm; it's about scars and it might be triggering, so I didn't know what other forum it should go in.

    So, I scratch and pick at myself. Like I've said before, it's not directly related to self-harm, but it still leaves me with scars. I mostly use tweezers, so my scars are roundish -- they're not really distinctive of SH; it probably looks more like a skin disease than most. I also work in my mother's salon, so I'm surrounded all day by people who know a lot about skin care. I guess my mother is concerned about keeping up the salon's image, because for some reason, she feels constantly entitled to make these weird comments about my appearance. To our employees and clients, no less.

    It's bad enough when she says stuff like, "Andrea's wearing tacky eyeshadow today," or "Oh, Andrea always does a terrible job of curling her hair." But she just absolutely, totally crosses the line when she grabs my arm, shows it to the person, and says, "Look at Andrea's arms; aren't they icky? She picks herself like a little kid, even though I tell her not to! I give her mircoderm treatments, but nothing works because she just keeps doing it!"

    At this point, the person she's talking to usually looks away, totally grossed out and embarrassed, and I mumble some lie about having allergies that give me breakouts.

    Why does she do that? Even if it wasn't absolutely humiliating to me, it's inappropriate (not to mention disgusting) to discuss the receptionist's skin condition in a salon -- if I had, idk, psoriasis or something, nobody would mention it (or else I could sue if they did). Does she want to punish me for embarrassing her? Use negative reinforcement to get me to stop? Is it supposed to be some kind of weird self-deprecation for the business, where I'm supposed to moan about how ugly I am and how I need more services, so customers will want more services? I absolutely don't get it.

    It's just another thing that makes me feel like my body is public property. God FUCKING damn it. I paint and wax and dye and starve myself, trying to make the outside look acceptable, hoping that if I can fix the outside, then maybe some of it will leak through and help the inside a little -- and it's still all for nothing. I still look disgusting. I offend people with my presence. I wish I wasn't there at all.
  2. triggs

    triggs Account Closed

    :hug: hey hun, i'm sorry you're mum's being rubbish about this
    i know it can be hard when parents point out all the bad things about you
    mine do the same
    i don't know why they do it, but i think it has something to do with them caring
    maybe if you talked calmly to your mum about it.. say how much it hurts you
    then she might stop, and she might even tell you why she does it.. if you even knows
    :heart: thinking of you xx
  3. grinded serenity

    grinded serenity Well-Known Member

    heres what you should do:
    the next time she does something like that, scream as loud as you can:
    then add in a more aggrovated tone

    ok, now on a serious note.
    your mother really doesnt sound too supportive, have u ever tried to tell her how it makes you feel?
  4. rosalee

    rosalee Well-Known Member

    Thanks for listening to me whine, everybody. It really does mean a lot to me.

    My mother has Narcissistic Personality Disorder... so denying her a rise out of me is usually more effective than snapping back. Plus, when we're in public (in front of clients, whom I'd really, really like to not be scared out of our business forever), I'm trying to steer her away from hysterics -- which is what you get when you subvert her authority. Putting me down is a way of keeping me "in my place," I guess, and it's also a way for her to feel superior in front of her other employees. It's kind of pathetically ironic -- I never try to fight back, so I'm her least favorite victim. I'm boring to fight with.

    And at home, our "quiet time" is usually so rare and precious, I don't want to ruin it by speaking up. I guess that would be the thing to do, though; tell her that her behavior is grossing people out and scaring off customers.

    It's kind of just going to take a lot for me to be able to speak up to her. :(
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 30, 2009
  5. Songie

    Songie Well-Known Member

    God, Im sorry Rosalee. that must be truly awful. I know how much it bothered me when people talked about my scars...but to have them do Im so sorry. *hugs*
  6. Tray

    Tray Well-Known Member

    Other than telling her how you feel. And trying to communicate with her I'm not sure if there is any easy way out. You say not fighting back helps a little but it doesn't stop it. And with that ur just accepting all that negativity. Hopefully u don't just let it build up till to u explode or mmm.. Do something u would regret. :blink:

    My point is try not to stay in the same situation. You need to do something anything to change it.
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