My mother (trigger warning)

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by Petal, Apr 16, 2015.

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  1. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    My mom told me that it is 100 percent my fault that I was raped with her reasoning being that I was 12 and not 5. I was gobsmacked, I never heard this before from her, she said its not her fault or his fault, that it is mine only. I got seriously pissed off and went into the samaritans centre in my city earlier today, they did help me and tried their best but how do I deal with an accusation like that. FML
  2. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN SF Author

    Wow. Okay - lets be clear:
    a) Rape is never the victim's FAULT - no matter what they might or might have done or not done before or during the event, rape is rape. If consent is denied then it is rape and the fault is ONLY with the person forcing the issue.
    b) You were TWELVE. I don't give a crap whether you were five or twelve or twenty or fifty as it happens. Age has got nothing to do with it.
  3. ChestnutMay

    ChestnutMay Antiquities Friend

    What a hideous thing to say. Freya has absolutely hit the nail on the head. I don't know how you deal with an accusation like that. The wrongness is mind boggling. The hostility is inexcusable. If my mother said something like that to me, I'd put a healthy distance between us and figure it was her loss. And never, not for a nanosecond, consider she was justified in any way, shape or form. The betrayal would be hard to deal with though, that would really hurt. Mothers are supposed to be in our corners and my heart goes out to you that yours has seriously fallen down on the job.
  4. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    :mad-new: :mad-new: :mad-new:

    FFS! I was once told it was my fault, that at age 6, my grandfather abused me; apparently 6 year olds are sexually provocative. :livid:
    Happily, this was by some idiot psych nurse and not a parent.

    I'm a mum, and not only would I never suggest that any child of mine had "asked for it", I would have hunted the fucker down and cut his bloody balls off!

    Either have it out with her and tell her what a low life of a mum she's being, or as someone suggested; put some distance between you and her, that rubbish you DO NOT need to hear.
  5. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords If you're 555, then I'm 666.

    You know, this is something I haven't talked about much, if at all on this forum since I first signed up, but I was sexually abused at 13 by someone in my family. I told my mother about it and granted the first day she acted sympathetic about it, but then she accused me of lying and just brushed it under the rug. For the longest time I, too, thought that since I was 13 I should have known better and partially blamed myself, but I realize now that it's not my fault and it's not your fault. And that is such a ridiculously fucked up thing of your mom to say. Just because 12-13 year olds are physically aware of what's going on, doesn't mean that they're emotionally aware or sexually mature enough to understand it. Especially if it was someone they liked or trusted, it's hard for them to comprehend that anything that person is doing could be wrong because they think that person cares about them. It's not your fault at all, your mom is full of shit.
  6. caspar

    caspar Well-Known Member

    I feel so angry at your mother. Absolutely disgusting. She might be angry with herself for not protecting you (though it wasn't her fault at all either - it was only one person's fault, the rapist), and she can't face up to her own guilt. I'm so sorry for everything you've been through. People can be so fucked up.
  7. Jabez

    Jabez Well-Known Member

    Wow, Petal, that's awful. I'm so sorry that your Mum has dealt you that kind of crap. It's not your fault! 12 is way too young to be responsible - even if you had given consent it would still be unacceptable and rape, because a 12 year old cannot make that decision.
    I would feel so betrayed if someone from my family responded like that, especially my Mum! I wish I could do more to help with the pain you are feeling right now. Hugs to you, Petal. Thinking of you...
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Thank you all for your lovely kind hearted replies. She has said sorry and said she doesn't think what she's said, I accepted her apology 'cos she's usually very good to me. At the time it just hurt like hell. We do have a great relationship but it's very up and down. Thanks~am feeling much better today.
  9. little lucy

    little lucy Active Member

    That was extremely fucked up of your mother to say. It was your rapist's fault and your mothers fault. Your mother doesn't even deserve to have you in her life. She is terrible human being.
  10. ChestnutMay

    ChestnutMay Antiquities Friend

    Petal, you have a big heart and are very forgiving. The fact that your mom is generally very good to you must have made her comment even more hurtful. Am glad to hear she apologized. I hope it was a grovelling apology at that.

    My concern is: She said she wasn't thinking about what she said - is that her way of saying she didn't think through what she said and that she now recognizes how completely wrong headed she was? Did she really get the message or just feel bad for hurting your feelings?

    I hope you guys can get past this, since it sounds like generally she's been there for you and has been a positive force in your life. But wow. What a thing to say.
  11. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi chesnut, she apologised and gave me money (money is always her way of saying sorry) she knows it wasn't my fault, it took a toll on her and she could not deal with the guilt any longer so yes, was a sincere apology. I love my mom, she has been there for me through thick and thin just sometimes she says hurtful things in the heat of the moment.
  12. ChestnutMay

    ChestnutMay Antiquities Friend

    Glad to hear it was sincere and I hope you buy yourself something really special with the money. You deserve a treat. Send yourself flowers for what she put you through! Yeah, people say really stupid things in the heat of the moment. I speak from experience. God. The stupid things I've said.... Brrrrr. Does not bear thinking about.

    Anyway, glad to know she is usually a Force for Good as you deserve a supportive Mom. And good of you to be so understanding.
  13. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Thank you so much chesnutmay. We always have our ups and down and sometimes very heated arguments, disagreements and bickering at one another but we always make up in the end. I know she means well most of the time, I would be lost without her. And don't worry I will buy myself some nice clothes with the money :lol:
  14. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Mothers eh! who'd have em.
  15. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords If you're 555, then I'm 666.

    Money as an apology, though? Don't get me wrong, I'd take it too if it was handed to me, but that's not how a real apology should happen.
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