My mother

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by looseleaves182, Oct 15, 2015.

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  1. Hi,

    I'm not very good at writing. I mean, I can, but I tend to trail off and mix things up a lot when. Anyway, let's start. I'm from a really shitty area in a really shitty city.

    My mother is a manipulative drug addict prostitute. At least, she was, until about 6 - 8 months ago she got a hold of a batch of bad heroine. No, she's not dead. Even though I somewhat wish this was the case, unfortunately. I truly feel horrible for feeling that way too, but I can't help it.

    My mother is stuck in bed, unable to walk with the left side of her body paralyzed from multiple strokes and mini strokes she had when she was first admitted in the hospital. She's been in and out of the hospital more times than I can remember, but this time it stuck. Blood infection, MRSA, a bunch of things. When we figured that she wasn't going to come out of the hospital anytime soon, her 'boyfriend' (28 year old douche) left. I understood their relationship. It wasn't hard to see.


    I was 20 years old and living with my mother and sister when she met this guy. I was helping pay for the shitty apartment we were living in. I didn't want my mother going out prostituting and doing drugs anymore. We argued over this guy moving in, she won. I moved. My sister wouldn't come with me.

    A year or two go by and I haven't talked to my mom at all. My sister calls me freaking out and tells me that my mother and her boyfriend were arrested. She was arrested for prostitution AGAIN and was put on probation. He was arrested for an assault of some kind. I move back in to help. Doomed to repeat the cycle, only this time my pregnant girlfriend-then-wife-now is along for the ride.

    First couple months went by fine, no problem. I had gotten another job so we all could move into a nice house in a nice neighborhood far away from this dump of a city. I put my girlfriend in charge of the money because I was rarely home.

    My mother manipulated her out of thousands of dollars. Showing her bills, shut off notices and things like that. "We need to get caught up on these" my mother kept telling her. "I need to pay them because they're in my name." My mother kept saying. My girlfriend fell for it all then finally said something about it to me. We keep getting bills and notices in the mail that should be paid off. I instantly knew what was up and we all argue. I told her not to trust her, but she's been acting so good before that. I guess that's why they call it acting, huh?

    My girlfriend and I talk. We don't have enough money to move yet but we will soon. Now my girlfriend knows that I wasn't over exaggerating when I told her about my mom (She's been weaseling money out of me since I was 16 and started working part-time). We stick it out and stay until we found a house in a slightly better neighborhood about 15 minutes away.

    The baby comes and everything is going great. My mother is taking to her probation, volunteering for a church/soup kitchen down the street from her apartment and seems to really be getting her shit together. I met with the people at the church and they tell me good things about her. The lady in charge of the operation has become really good friends with my mom and they go out together with my sister to movies and stuff. At the time, it was really good. Until I see past the smoke and mirrors like she's part of some Penn and Teller skit.

    Before I started investigating deeper and found out what she'd been doing, I'd ask her to watch my daughter. I paid her and everything. What got me probing again, is when $200 came up missing after I had asked her to babysit. Around this time is when I found out about what she's been doing to the church and digging deeper.

    She was abusing the church system. Making fake names for food deliveries and taking that food so she can sell her food stamps at the bodega next to the church. Hitting up the other volunteers for money, even her new 'friend'. It's very sad.

    My mother wasn't allowed in my house after that.


    5 years has passed since I was 20, her boyfriend got out of jail and moved back in with my mother. Shortly after that she was put into the hospital and he disappeared. Good riddance. While my mom was recovering, she tried to get back in touch with him and seeing that broke my heart. I don't know if she is still trying to contact him. I saw her once when I help my sister move into her new apartment (down the street from her old on!) My problem is, I'm done with her. I visited her about 4 or 5 times in the hospital, but I don't think I want her in my families life again. She's fucked me so many times before. Especially as a teenager, but that is another post.

    My mom wants to see us. Me, my girlfriend and my daughter. She has not even recognized that she's done all these things with an apology or anything. It's very confusing for me. The only thing stopping her from repeating the cycle is that she is crippled now. What good is that though? It's not genuine.

    I hope this is the right sub to post this in, and I hope my thoughts were coherent enough to decipher.
  2. robroy

    robroy Well-Known Member

    Wow man that's a pretty hard situation your in. I think it's really great though that despite everything you were able to get away from your moms manipulation and take care of your family. I think that you should be proud of yourself for turning out so well after being raised by someone like that. For future reference, this is a fine section to write out a post like this and you communicated your story very clearly.
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter


    Pretty difficult and sticky situation you are in there, when I was reading your post it struck me, do not go back to see her again, even if she's too sick to hurt you again the memories will hurt you, or just briefly visit for a few minutes and show her, her grandchild, you have come out of this situation impeccably so try not to go back there even if you do feel sorry for her now, she wasn't there when you needed her the most so maybe harsh but don't be there for her now.
  4. Thank you so much! I really appreciate that! My wife says the same thing. "How did you not turn out like that?" Truth is, I don't know. I don't believe she was always like this, but I'm not sure if it's true or just what I want to believe. My dad drank himself to death by the time I was 10, so I think that was the last straw for her. Her next husband was very abusive and also had a drug problem. Died of pneumonia when I was about 16 - 17. I was pretty happy about that. I remember all I could think was 'yes! I can finally have friends over without worrying about him punching my mom in the face and calling me a ******.' I know why he called me a ******, but it wasn't my fault.

    I'm not sure if I want to go there yet though. I haven't told anyone about that. Not even my wife. Thanks again!

  5. Thank you for the reply. I think that's for the best, too. It hurts a lot because of all the shitty things she's done to me since I was young, for whatever reason I still feel sadness about it.

    I think mostly because of my sister. She's trapped in her cycle. When my mother was in the hospital, I didn't want my sister living on that side of town anymore. It isn't safe. I offered to have her come live with my family and we can get a bigger house. She declined. Finally she came around and asked if we can get a big enough house for her + my mom + my family. My wife and I were very hesitant but DID start looking. We were looking for a new place anyway (just for my family. We keeping edging our way closer and closer out of town.) My sister eventually found an apartment for her and my mom but only a block away from the old place. It was good luck that my wife and I didn't find a place for all of us to share by then. I'm starting to believe that she's not meant to be part of my life.

    Caring for my mother is holding my sister back. She finished school and SHOULD be a nurse BUT is working third shift, part time at a fast food joint so she can take care of my mother during the day. I love my sister so much, and I wish she would see my mother the way she IS and not the way she wants people to see her.

    For the longest time, my mother had been telling my sister she's 'slow' and mentally disabled. My sister is NOT any of those things. My mother just put that in her head so she can get government benefits for her. Widowers benefits weren't enough for her.

    Again thank you so much for taking the time out and reading the things I have to say. Finally writing this stuff out has really made me feel a little better.
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