my mother

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by am I alive, May 15, 2011.

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  1. am I alive

    am I alive Well-Known Member

    shes alive...I just can't die or get drunk or do any other self destructive activity because of her...she had really though life, my father has been drunk since I was born, shes been through a lot but shes a strong women, not weak as I am, she never gave up, she was the engine of my family. My father, he's nothing-loser, sadly I turned to be like him...what am I supposed to do now? she invested her life time in me, my education and yet I've end up being loser, no job, nothing...well, she's not much upset about that, I mean shes an optimistic person, the thing that makes her sad is when she sees me suffer and feeling down, without hope to do anything to get out of this situation...and she said that to me, she said that I am weak, and it's a true, I am no mad at her because of saying that...

    I am 29, 30 soon. I've graduated a three years ago and haven't managed to find a job since. Not that I didn't try to find one, I did, I really had a hope that my life can get better, but economy here sucks and its really hard for anyone to find a job and for ppl like me its even more harder.
    Now I came to the point that I've completely lost any hope and will to change anything, not only that but I don't want to change anything anymore. I lost all my friends( actually a few of them), I just stopped answering their messages. I hate to talk to anyone, I hate everything about this world. I don't want to get girlfriend, to have job, friends, family...I hate everything...all I want to get drunk just as my father, I want to live as much possible destructive life as I can. I don't want gf that will love me, I want some loser girl, with bad personality who wont give a shit about me, who will use me just for sex. I am pretty much good looking guy and it wouldn't be a problem to me. I had many nice and good looking girls interested in me but I never had any of them due to my depression, and now they are all taken and I am a poor loser...

    My mother is the only person who cares about me and I don't want to hurt her but I don't want to live normal life anymore too. I've turned to zombie, I live empty life, I can't sleep, I feel bad, I am going crazy...I am useless, all my family feel sorry for me, I can see that in their eyes and I can't stand it...I hate place where I live too, I wasn't born and raised here...shit...I can't going on like this anymore...

    I want to thank to all nice people who's been talking to me in the chat room...this is the only place where I feel relaxed and free to speak my mind out...thanks...
     
  2. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Hey am I alive - sorry to hear your feeling so down with all this.

    29 is young though - I'm in my late 40s and still feel young - too young to be chasing women under the age 30 - but like you say depression is passion killer - we tend not to look for romance when depressed .

    Like you I've often just 'drifted' and ended up with any passing women who showed interest in me - seeing me maybe as a dildo with a personality for all it means. Either way, that casual sex leaves you with no connection. Sure you enjoy things,- but its not a relationship. The better looking you are - the more you might surmise people are just using you.

    A one night stand - often its mutual masturbation. If you feel a connection to someone, you make love. There is a difference - a pretty big one once you weigh things up.

    Don't get me wrong, sometimes a one night stand might make you feel a little bit better. Sure I felt good walking home at 6.00am, having done my duty. Sometime there is a night of passion - a connection of sorts but albeit a casual one. I'm always grateful and the peacelovingguy does not kiss and tell - not since I turned 21!

    Not that I've much chance to kiss and tell of late brother. But hey, these things pass...

    As for your mother - like you I'd not do anything to hurt her or upset mine. Your own depression gives you the feelings of failure - but you passed your exams and its just unlucky so far you've not got employed. Maybe you need to learn a few more skills for your CV - but I guess tackling the depression is the most important thing. After all if you were not so depressed you can motivate yourself more - become one of those people who email off 1000 CVs and appear in the local paper or something. With depression its hard to do that and commit yourself to things which would be otherwise easy to do but for depression.

    You know depression is just like any other illness or condition in that its got some biological cause? They will find this in the DNA at some point. Also, your upbringing can leave you depressed, an abusive relationship can do it also. A bad childhood obviously. Counselling works when we have specific reasons for depression - causes that we might even know about. Therapy can help anyone with depression to use coping skills, hlep you process the negatives so they do not become like a stuck record.

    Some depression has NO cause - needs no cause and could hit you even if you met some beautiful women, got a dream job and was 'living the life'. Maybe what you need to do is define what depression you have - because if it has a root cause there are ways to train your own mind to process the negative sh** so that you cope better.

    There is hope - a lot of hope, but with depression you are bound to 'see' no hope sometimes. Maybe you dismiss me as some happy-go-lucky jerk full of positives. I'm actually not - but a truth is a truth and hope is something we need to cling onto for dear life.

    Anyhow, what have you tried to combat the depression? Any counselling or a diagnosis of sorts, any medications also? Meds can help a great deal as they impact on biological processes in the brain which produce chemicals which DO directly or indirectly effect the very emotions we have. Millions testify as to the positive effects of meds - in some ways its a flip of the coin with each med as to whether it works, but there are so many meds your chances of finding something that works for you is pretty much a very good chance.

    Remember, depression shapes how you see yourself and the process leaves us actually believing it. But help is there - doctors, perhaps therapy of sorts, and of course your ideal goal would be get a decent job and marry a nice women. You mother wants this for you because ALL mums whether in Serbia, England or Africa want that to happen.

    Depression, when it is coped with, leaves you free to actually get some confidence and some belief in yourself.

    Your a good looking guy, well educated and you love your mother. Sounds to me like you got everything a lot of women look for. All it needs is that bit of confidence which I'm certain that you will get as you get the depression under control and deal with it.

    Its bad luck we been landed this illness - but its a throw of the dice in life and some end up with heart disease, others arthritis, we got depression, which is bad, but we have more than a fighting chance to be able to defeat the worse of its debilitating behaviour.

    Winston Churchill had this also - your people stood with us (we remember) and depression never held Winston back.

    Good luck - and do get some help.

    Hope your mothers canbe made happier when you finally do get some work. You need to be well before that and lucky you have a place to stay. My own brother might be moving back into the parents home - it happens, and as long as you take care of her than that is all that matters.

    She sounds a real nice mother to have.

    PS, you mention drinking - worse thing for depression, I've seen heroin act in a kinder manner - NOT that I'm suggesting you turn to that crap. Just be wary brother - booze can unleash the darkness - encourage it and fuel it.

    Too much is not a good thing, not with depression, not ever!

    My regards and best wishes from England.
     
  3. am I alive

    am I alive Well-Known Member

    Hey, thank you very much for effort you put into this reply, I really appreciate it.
    I don't know what else to say atm, I am really tired, gotta go to bed.

    Thanks once again.
     
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