My mother's birthday next week!! Shit!!

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by expressive_child, Jul 24, 2007.

  1. expressive_child

    expressive_child Well-Known Member

    Well mum, yeah I know your birthday's next week on the 30th (or is it 31st?) whatever I don't give a shit. But don't even think I'll be showing up cos I am gonna be 'extremely busy' wondering alone in the shopping complex spending the whole night in the arcade or stay in the office till midnight coz I might be crying like shit till my eyes turn red and thinking of what you did to me all the years and you expect me to come home and greet you happy birthday? Ain't gonna happen goddammit! I damn sure ain't going home so I don't have to see everyone faking a smile and pretend to talk about 'how nice the cake is' or where did bro bought that from and shit like that. Why can't we just admit that everything is fucked up for Christ sake??!!!!

    Yeah yeah I know...I know...bro is gonna buy you a big fat chocolate cake and this and that and I am the bad son who won't buy nothing for you so you and dad can talk about this while I resent you like I did every fucking day. But I know, even if I don't show up at home you obviously know its because I don't want to see your stupid face and continue to pretend that we are a happy family again. Yeah, so that I can jerk off all night while you all eat that shitty cake yourselves!! As long as the date 30th July or Mother's Day exist, I will always hate you for that!! Do you know how and your pathetic husband is ruining lil bro's life now you know that shit don't you??!!! As always, you know this you know that but in the end all you really know is nothing but shit!

    Gosh....I have forgotten about your birthday actually and today, I feel like something is gonna happen next week I know I know I know it and as I was replying somebody's post that relates to her mother, I realize its your birthday next week and that sucks dammit!! Shit shit shit..I can't help but feel so mad thinking about you, any goddamn thing related to you stinks!! Yeah, it stinks so bad I can smell it from a mile away!! My childhood and teenage years are over and they are only once and how could you ruin it?? You and dad have had yours too and so why the fuck is it wrong to let me be like other teens too then??!!! You know you could have!! Love, love is all you have to give!! God....the very thought of you and dad makes me sick.

    But at least, its too bad for you know, you can't slap my mouth no more, you can't shuv that carpet at my face, you can look through my bag and find reasons to punish me like my bad is untidy I forgot my lunchbox or I didn't do mu homework, you can't punish me for losing my spectacles, you can't hit me with the pain no more, you can't even mock me because I won't hesitate to tell you to fuck off!! What else huh?!! What else?!! Nor can you call me I am the biggest idiot in this world anymore just because I can't understand what you told me! But yeah, you still get to tell your relatives what a fucked up son I am anyway!! Wait a sec, you said my worthless belong to you?!! Ok, so just kill me then!!

    See mum??!! Even if I don't kill myself, I will go crazy and always be tormented by the shit that you and dad pulled all these years..you are lucky you know that? Cos I was too stupid to realize I was unloved then, so can you imagine what its like to realize the truth when everything hit you all at once, right between the eyes??? But in my mind, you will never learn what love is anymore because you have none except for your own foolish desires. You failed to be an artist because you refuse to try harder and I wasn't even born when that happened, so why am I to be blamed for that?? You tell me then..if I ever have children one day, how am I supposed to tell them the kind of granparents they have???? I hope you can at least realize by now; you could have had it any other way...

    If I am still alive next year and still staying with you and dad and not to forget my smart but selfish brother, I will always feel miserable when 30th July is coming soon. Remember when I was only 4 or 5? We used to be happy, our birthday celebration was simple but joyful. Now, even if you are celebrating in a five star hotel, it don't mean shit to me anymore. Its a shame, you and dad could have given our family more sweet memories like this to cherish and to remind us what family happiness is all about. It was fifteen years ago or more when we last have a truly happy moment together. I remember everything in the past too well, and yet in my memory, that was the last time I remember having a good time with this so-called family. Do you think my memory is so bad? Well, ask yourself....
     
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I can tell you are in a great deal of pain where your parents are concerned. i want to encourage you to let that anger go. It is hurting no one but yourself. I know the feelings of hatred are not that easily dismissed, but if you can let your anger go, at least you don't have to contend with that emotion as well. You can forgive your parents for being the way they are toward you, but that does not mean you have to forgive what they have done. I encourage you to work on those things so it doesn't continue to fester up inside of you. It will only help you, not release them. :hug:
     
  3. expressive_child

    expressive_child Well-Known Member

    I am trying not to think of my folks but its really hard when things are so wrong and often remind me of what I try so hard to forget. I know its no use in being made with my folks no more but sometimes life just make things so difficult. I don't really like to get mad either cos it might trigger my migraines but I am also trying my best to control. Thanks gentlelady :hug: