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My mothers email to me. goodbye sf?? maybe..

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Entity, Jul 1, 2009.

  1. Entity

    Entity Well-Known Member


    For days and days now I am laying awake at night agonizing over the future. As my birthday draws nearer it occurs to me that one can only sit in limbo and hope for the best for so long before the realization sets in that nothing changes without positive action. With great deliberation and love, I am setting new ground rules for your return home. I want you to understand this is not a democracy and these guidelines are not available for debate or negotiation. I want harmony, peace, some kind of fluency and daily stress reduction for everyone involved. This is how I plan to make this happen.

    1. I am setting restrictions on your computer that will limit your time on the internet to 2.5 hours a day maximum. You're going to have to use this time wisely so that you can balance out chat with homework. You won't be able to wait til the last minute to work on a project..you'll need to plan ahead and budget time. I am making myself administrator on your laptop which will have a daily timer so that you will be able to go online during those set times.

    2. I also will be restricting certain websites so that you are no longer able to have a myspace or facebook page. I will allow yahoo messenger and your self injurer support group but thats it. I will also need any passwords you use for these remaining sites and I will be regularly monitoring your usage. Understand I may routinely inspect your computer at random and place further restrictions as deemed necessary by your actions.

    3. Even though we've had many conversations about you not giving out personal information through chat sites, I feel the rest of the family is potentially threatened by the pictures of yourself and phone number etc that you put out. I simply cannot have strangers tracking you down and showing up on the property. Your sister is 7 years old. Think about the potential consequences. Your actions do not just affect you..they affect everyone around you.

    4. I will consistently expect those weekly progress reports from school and will be checking schoolwork/homework routinely.

    5. Because I pay the bills where you live I need you to understand I essentially own everything under that roof. This means it is not without reason that your room may be subject to periodic inspection. You are expected to keep it modestly clean including making your bed each day and not having piles of stuff all over the floor. I'm not expecting perfect, but I will have order.

    6. You will be expected to eat dinner with us as a family unit. You will join in on family chores as well as family fun. This means, as before, you will take garbage and recyclables to the road once a week and you will be assigned to feed horses and dogs a couple times a week. You will be responsible for picking up your own messes..simple rule of thumb is if you take it out, put it away when you are done using it. Its not complicated. When we do things together on the weekend you will not be given the option of staying in your room on the computer, phone or watching tv. You are expected to be an active member of this family. Weather permitted, I would like to spend more time with you boating and/or at the pool. I'd also like to have a movie night..once a week? Sometimes it will be to stay at home and watch a movie on tv and sometimes it will be to go to a theater.

    7. You are strongly encouraged to get your drivers permit ASAP and you are encouraged to join in school clubs and functions. You may also opt to look for a part time job if you can manage that with your school schedule and homework responsibilities. I will assist you with transportation issues.

    Your argument is often that I don't trust you and the restrictions I place on you are overbearing and unfair. I believe trust is earned and over the last several months you have repeatedly lied and proven in other ways that you are often not trustworthy. I am specifically speaking about sneaking around with Derek and lying about it, trying to use the computer after it was placed on restriction and lying about it, skewing the perspective of circumstances so it better suits your purpose (such as stating that Derek has "forced" you to do stuff with him and then later recanting stating that by "forcing" you meant you were unable to say no to him when he begged. This is serious stuff Kate. You also have proven time and time again that you cannot be responsible with the birth control pills despite the repeated pleadings to allow you to do this on your own. When you get home we can discuss other options available to you such as depo provera shots and others that will decrease severity of periods and further ensure I will not prematurely be made a grandma and destroy the incredibly bright future you have in college and careers.

    You are an incredibly bright girl Kate and I love you more than words can express. However, as you are SO fond of reciting to me lately..you are a teenager and you have shown you are having a lot of difficulty making good decisions and prioritizing your time. As your parent who loves you and wants only the best for you, I am here to help provide guidelines that will assist you in being successful. I can't go on worrying about making stuff up as we go and the two of us struggling to be in charge of the household. I've got to be the grownup here and set the rules. I seriously can't handle the stress of how things have been...things HAVE to change. I've made my decisions.

    Now you get to take a little bit of time and make yours. Last week when the shit hit the fan and you refused to talk to me about what was bothering you, your father was ready to take custody of you and your sister out of concern that I was unable to provide a safe environment for you. I, of course, was devastated, but told your dad I wouldn't go through the agony of court battles. Then you changed your mind about how things really were and told him you wanted to stay here. Now I've had some time to toss and turn and mull things over and come up with this plan in an attempt to create less stress and more manageability. If you seriously cannot find yourself able to live by these rules your dad has already agreed to have you live with him and then it will be up to him and you how you work out daily routines there. I will pick you and Hannah up every other weekend and WE can do the fun weekend parent stuff. You are old enough to make some decisions about which parent you want to live with. I am giving you the freedom to do that but understand once you come home these new rules WILL be followed and there WILL be peace. I really want you to give this serious thought because if you choose to live with your dad we will need to act quickly to get you registered in school and your dad and I will need to rearrange a bunch of financial stuff that go hand in hand with custody. Once your decision is made it will stand..this isn't something that can be wavered back and forth..not fair to any of the parties involved. Remember too, that what you are doing directly affects your sister since neither your dad nor I want to split the two of you up. I am confident that both your dad and I are able to provide good homes for the two of you and whatever your decision we will both ALWAYS love you and be there for you.

    I look forward to hearing from you soon. I know this decision can't be easy Kate, but you have to do what you think is best for you and only you can decide if you will be able to live with the new house rules here because I am VERY serious about taking back my life and making things work and decreasing stress..regardless of where you live. I, too, can only play the victim for so long and then I gotta pull myself up and DO something, yknow? I highly recommend you take the same approach.

    Love you much!

    -your mother
  2. mixedemotions

    mixedemotions Forum Buddy

    I don't know what to say. your mam seems really harsh. she needs to realise that your not a little girl any more and you need to live YOUR life and not hers.
  3. Young suicider

    Young suicider Well-Known Member

    Harsh!?!?!? Her Mom loves her,I never hear that
  4. Right U R Ken

    Right U R Ken Well-Known Member

    There's nothing wrong with anything your mother said in that letter. NOTHING. Those are all reasonable and loving rules and guidelines. You can't just do whatever you want in this world. I'm 45 years old, own my own house, and don't live with anyone, yet I can't just do whatever I want. Life has rules and most important-responsibilities. Want freedom? Prove you're a responsible person first. And the key words are PROVE IT. That takes time.
  5. aki

    aki Well-Known Member

    She sounds loving but also very controlling. You giving her the passwords to all your websites so she can check out what you're doing is an example of that. I don't know, you're 15 and I think she should let you make more of your own decisions regarding internet use, schoolwork and so on. But even though I don't think she's necessarily in the right, it seems like she's laying down these rules because she cares about you and wants you do well in life and also to see you more. I think she's forgetting that when you're a teenager you don't really want to spend time with family and your room is often your sanctuary and own little world. Some of the rules are understandable though, like doing chores around the house and stuff.
    The thing she said about Derek was pretty harsh, basically saying you're lying, when she can't possibly know that you are.

    How do you feel about the letter Katie?
  6. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    So ok. you've got some new rules and responsibilities. I do not know the family history, but I think if you start fresh with these guidelines that you will soon find that your mother will begin to ease up on you.

    Also, this is not unusual for someone in the 12-16 age range. If you are over 17, maybe it's a bit harsh but is sure appears that your mom loves you and that you are still welcome and you will have a roof over your head with a caring family. I'm older so I probably am a bit biased, but why not try it out and see how quickly it changes in your favor by responding with maturity, that some of your privileges will be restored. Also, tell her about this site and how much help you are getting...maybe she'll add an extra half an hour for on line help which she feels you don't get from facebook or myspace.

    Best of luck in your decision.