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my mum is threating to kill herself

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by nylibra, Jul 25, 2013.

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  1. nylibra

    nylibra Member

    my mum has been treated like crap since she got married to my dad. my dad's brother <edit mod total eclipse triggering> her, her brother-in-laws wifes made her do all the work around the house & generally treated her like shit; even my dads mother joined in. my dad didnt even stay on her side or anything; and he just listened to what they said.

    17 years later; she's sick of it. we had a dinner party the other night & my mum tried really hard to make everyone happy and she put lots of effort into it. but then in the night everyone started fighting & everyone started ganging up on her. & they just all stormed out of the house. They cant admit that they were wrong and just apologise; they just say that my mum is lying and talking bull crap.

    Today my mum and dad were arguing really badly & my mum was crying & said that she was going to watch them ruin their life and then kill herself.

    Im really scared; because she seemed serious. & she's stopped eating for the last two days. I dont want to leave her alone because im scared that she might kill herself. & i justwant everyone to stop fighting; but my dad's brothers wifes are just really evil & hate my mother.

    Whenever she's too quite i get scared and go check on her. I want to comfort her; but im worried that she's just going to get annoyed because I dont usually comfort anyone.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 25, 2013
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun i am so sorry your family is so toxic hun and that you are so fearful for your mothers safety. It is good she has you on her side hun. Please hun take care of YOU ok through all of this You talk to someone you trust ok. If you feel your mother is in danger then you talk to someone you trust and perhaps they can get her help. A teacher a church person a crisis line even Hope you get help for YOU ok hugs
  3. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Hi I am so sorry this is happening to your mum. AND I am glad you found suicide forum. It is a good place to talk about this. A good community.

    Is any of the things total eclipse suggested possible? There is a link at suicide forum for the samaratians. They are in the UK. I think they can help talk on the phone. This may help her. I have heard people say they were helped by the samaritans. The reason I thought of this is because you used the word "mum". So I figured you both live in the UK. Here is the link for them. http://www.samaritans.org/about-us

    I recommend you continue posting here for support with this community. If that feels right and okay to you. And can you tell your mum about this website? Maybe she can also post here for support? Both are good. Getting help irl and posting here. Glad you thought to come here. :hug:
  4. Mayflower7

    Mayflower7 Banned Member

    Hi Nylibra,
    I am so sorry, if your mother is very unhappy she needs to decide if she wants to leave and the two of you live together.
    Women's domestic violence charities would help, can anyone else in the family help? Take care of yourself, what an amazing daughter you are trying to get help for your mother. Please excuse me asking does alcohol cause the problems? It's hard when you have spent hours preparing food/cleaning and people don't appreciate you. Counselling for your mum and dad might help. Can anyone help your mum so she has a rest?
    Visiting her dr for advice will help as she is feeling so low. I hope this situation gets better for you and your mother.
    Can anyone in the community help at the local mosque etc maybe? Well done for asking for advice
    Take care
  5. nylibra

    nylibra Member

    thank you for your reply; your kindness means a lot honestly.

    & I want to just leave this town and all its bad memories; i think thst might be best for my mother.

    My parents do love each other, its just my dad doesnt have a backbone and doesnt know how to stickup for himself infront of his mother; because he cant be disrespectful
  6. nylibra

    nylibra Member

    I have a brother and sister also, and thank you so much for even caring the slightest. My aunts have tried to help the situation between the family; sort of like our own personal councilors its just my the brother-in-laws wives just dont want to admit they're wrong.

    & my mum doesnt drink alcohol; and i've tried to help by being more helpful around the house.

    I've never told my mum I love her since I turned 9, because Im not used to emotion. But I want to tell my mum I love her and that she is loved. & that she still has us. Im just so stressed out

    I wanted to suggest councilling or therapy to my parents, but we just cant afford it especially in this town.

    & thank you again for being so caring
  7. Mayflower7

    Mayflower7 Banned Member

    Hi Nylibra,
    You are so welcome, I just hope I helped. Sorry I didn't mean your mother with the alcohol, I meant other family. I understand your dad has difficulties, but he seems respectful. Please look after yourself honey, emotions are hard. Tell your mum you love her if you can. You show emotion in other ways, by just being their for someone as well.
    Please talk to your mother, so you both are open. I hope this gets better. Common elders ( grandparents) often tell children what to do etc. However it can become abuse( emotional) if it distresses you and damages your confidence/ability to function.
    I am so sorry you can't afford counselling within the family, can your mum do interests she enjoys to help her feel better about herself?
    It isn't your fault this, I can see how much you care about your family. It will get better, families have rough patches.
    Please let us know if we can help you with anything?
    Take care, thanks for your lovely comments.
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi, your mum is lucky to have you. Could you stand up for your mum against these vile people? Any threat of suicide must be taken seriously even if you think she's bluffing. I think you could also try and get her to see someone about how she's feeling, preferably a doctor. I wish you all the best, and please do give your mum a hug, she knows you care I'm sure, :hug:
  9. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I agree with those who have said your mum is very fortunate to have you supporting and loving her. Even if you do not use the word love. When you are ready to do that, I bet she will like hearing how you feel. But I can understand that if you are not used to emotion that can be way out of your comfort zone. And quite frightning.

    I am sorry you cannot afford counselling where you live. Thats hard !! Does the idea of calling the samaritans feel like something you might be interested in? Perhaps they might have some good ideas. Sometimes people suggest things to me on forms that just do not feel right to me. So of course I understand if calling them may not feel right for you to do at this time..... or ever. Perhaps my assumption that you live in the UK is not even correct.

    I am glad you continue to post here. Thats really good. I hope you will continue to do that :hug:
  10. nylibra

    nylibra Member

    thank you mayflower7, flower and music for such kind words. My mum might be lucky to have me, but right now the kindness you are showing means so much to me; i cant even explain in words. I cant even recieve this kind of kindness from people I know personally, because they've never seen a vunerable me.

    I am in Britain, and I dont know if i could call the samaritans, i know that if i do my mum would feel like they're only butting in, even if there only intention is to help; if you can understand. My family has never had anyone outside of the family knowing of whats going on in the inside; they want people to think everything is fine.

    My dad finally stood up for my mum and even he's had enough. I wanted to suggest moving far away from here, but my dad was already thinking about it.
    He told his cousin that he was going to cut the phone line; so that his brothers wives couldnt call anymore & that they hes already looking at houses to move; far away from here.

    I dont want to leave my town, but i know that its best for my family. Im just dissapointed that because of the grownups fights me & my cousins arent allowed to see each other anymore. We love each other; but even the young ones realise that they cant come over to our house because their mum doesnt like us.

    Im trying to have more bonding moments with my mum, simple things like doing her makeup and doing her hair and dyeing it. Just to show her that there are people in this world that do care about her.

    Thank you all for your support and helping me, andjust listening. its nice to have someone that is willing to listen to me for a change. And for that i cannot thank you enough:hug:
  11. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Sounds like there is some progress. Thats good. I am glad though that your father is starting to take some action. Btw, It is not uncommon for some families to not want other people knowing about their personal business. My mother used to always warn about not "airing our dirty laundry". There is a lot of secrecy when people are being harmed. Secrecy and fear. Very common.

    So it was very wise and cewl of you to come here for support. Its safe here. You can say whatever you need to. No one will ever know. I think you are right. Often, people can be vulnerable here. When that is something that is not safe irl. You just stick with us here at sf. :hug: I am sorry you do not have communication right now with your cousins. Grown ups can honestly make a mess of things. sighs. Keep posting as often as you want. okay?
  12. nylibra

    nylibra Member

    its been over a month since I posted here & a lot has changed. I dont think mum is planning to kill herself anytime soon; since she's already planning a long trip to see her parents next year (they live in a different country). I just needed to tell someone how i feel. Even though my paternal side have made it impossible for me and my cousins to see each other; i have been able to keep in contact with them through social media. I started talking to my cousin and she told me her situation at home, and honestly, it sounds a lot like mine. See I have 2 cousins and they're kind of in the same boat.

    Cousin #1: Her parents criticize everything she does, put her down; her mum even told her that she's never going to amount to anything, but later went on to say that when she gets a job, she has to give all her money to her. How sick is that? & i always thought her life was pretty much okay because her parents buy her everything and let her go out; but now i know that isn't true. She said she feels depressed and said she considered suicide many times. Now cousin #2: we're in a similar situation because of how strict our parents are. They never let her go out and hang out with friends and they force her to dress in a way and make her do things because they think if she doesnt people will think bad of them. She said she was going to run away with cousin#1 but was too scared to. We had our first heart felt convo a few days ago and i told her that i wouldnt run away because of the consequences it would have on my parents. She said she didnt care about the consequences, she was just worried about what would happen if they found her. Literally, they've made it so bad that we cant even see each other. & she only lives 2 blocks away from me!

    & then theres me. I dont know why but no matter how much my parents put me through I just couldn't do anything to them that would make people talk bad about them. They put me down and tell me im useless. I try so hard to please them, but its never good enough. Even when i won a scholarship worth over £50,000 all i got was one of my mum's sarcastic well dones(atleast she tried by making dinner a little bit more special than usual) and "i have to pay £500 to accept it?!". but that was literally it. & it never bothered me till now, because now ive realised how ridiculous that is. My dad doesnt even like me anymore and just sees me as someone he has to keep wasting his money on. All i wanted was their affection.
    When I was younger we used to live in this house that had a small room that we kept big boxes in and this chair that i will forever hate. and I used to make mistakes or do bad things my mum would strap my arms and legs to this chair and leave me in the room & no matter how hard i cried or for how long she wouldnt let me out. she would come back, what felt like hours later (i cant be sure, i was only young, for all i know it might have only been 10 minutes). she would come back and ask me if i learnt my lesson and then would she only let me out. This one time me and my brother and sister were fighting, nothing serious, but mum was on the phone and because we were shouting she got really pissed and hung up. she went on to shout at us and then made us stand outside bare foot in the rain for 10 minutes. bare in mind that at the time we had a very small garden and literally could only stand on the step; all three of us. my sister probably wasnt even 4. but the worst part is she has told people on the phone about these things and laughed. she laughed. like it was hilarious. she told these people that its she made us stop acting like devils for a week or so. She even told the person that they should do the same! She has done much worse; but i just cant tell anyone. Fine the chair thing only happened once or twice and she only put us in the garden once; the worse thing is i thought it was all normal. till lately, when ive realised that it isnt normal and whenever i think about it i cry. not only for myself, but also for my brother (she did he chair thing to him once). but i also cry because luckily my sister avoided it. My mum would threaten to kick us out of the house, and being young we thought she was being serious & would beg her to not to. and made promises to her that we wouldnt do it again if she didnt kick us out. how sick is that? I just dont understand why she would do it?

    I feel trapped in my own home. Im not allowed to see anyone. im not even allowed to go to the corner store because apparently 'ill turn bad' or into some drug dealer. what utter bullshit. My dad forces me to dress 'modest' and act 'modest' (ie. not hang out in typical teenage areas) all so people think he's this extremly respectable person. When he isnt. he tries to make out that he's religious but he isnt. when ever i argue with my dad, my mum always comes up to me afterwards and has a go at me for standing up for me. but it makes me sick when she does that and i literally cry for her. because here's this women whos standing up for this man who cheated on her. and she doesnt even know that he has. I found out when i was 9. nine years old. And it has literally destroyed any thought i ever had of dating or getting married. He cheated on her and didnt even try hard enough to hide it. he kept the messages on his phone and one day i saw them. i am in no way homophobic, but my dad preaches that he's a religious man and shit. but then goes and commits adultery with a man? He tells me i need to be modest whilst he watches naked women on his phone. & he isnt even careful about it. he just leaves the page open on his internet. what if my younger sister sees it?! one day i was on his phone and my sister asked to use the internet.i told her i would do it & would you guess it;out popped a porn page. if i had let my sister use the phone she would have seen it and asked my dad. then what would he do i could have given her the phone, but i didnt because i didnt want to scar my sisters innocent mind.

    Everyday i want to confront him about these things. but i cant. I want him to stop controlling my life and telling me im a slut. maybe he doesnt say it literally, but he might aswell. i can see it whenever they speak to me and whenever they look at me, that im the biggest mistake in their life. if they could, they would kick me out. but they dont, because of what people will say. they shout at me for not being able to talk to people and for having social anxiety and never speaking to them; but they never wonder why. they always say 'is that what they teach you at school' whenever i do something they dont like, but i just want to o badly tell them that im like this because of them.

    The reason why i tell you this is because im scared. im scared that im slowly becoming like them. i dont want to be like them. full of hate and deceit. they're both hot headed and always think they are right. whenever they start shouting at me for no reason, i prove them wrong and they get even more angry because im right; so they start shouting at me about something else. they keep doing this till they run out of things to shout at me about and then just tell me that the person ive become is shit or that if i continue this way then im just giving my evil aunts a chance to take the piss. but you know what, they're just as evil as them. im in my room right now and i can barely concentrate because my mum is shouting down the phone about the most recent scandal going on on my paternal side. whenever she does start screaming about things i start feeling really weird. like, my heartbeat picks up and i start taking bigger and quicker breaths. i get really nervous and scared and i just dont know what to do, my eyes start watering and i just feel like i cant go on with life. every night i have gone to sleep crying. ive gone past crying for myself, because ive realised im stuck with this and theres pretty much no use in my life. but i cry for my mum and my sister. i cry because i dont unerstand why my dad would do that to my mum. i cry because our extended family is ruining their kids lives and they dont even care.

    i know alot of you might think my mum i evil. and she might be. but you also have to understand that shes gone through hell and back when we lived with the whole family in one house. they treated her like shit. they didnt care. my uncle strangled her, but they forced her to drop charges; that is a memory i will never forget. and it didnt help that she had the burden of looking after me, whilst being pregnant with my brother. when she gave birth to my brother they didnt even visit in the hospital. i remember i only ever had one or two pairs of good shoes at a time because my gran literally wouldnt let my dad buy us things; she said it would be wasting too much unnecessary money since we had to live to together. my aunts wouldnt let my mum buy anything and wouldnt let her do anything. the first 5 years of her married life existed of work and more work and looking after my aunts and their children. yet still, here we are now, in our own houses. and they still act like mega bitches and treat her like shit.

    i just seriously cannot imagine life getting better. i just know that whatever happens in the future, it isnt going to be good. something really bad is going to happen. a lot of bad things are happening. & i just cant see myself doing anything with my life. at first i didnt believe believe my parents; but now i realise that they're right. im never going to do anything great with my life. so why am i wasting my time trying?

    im sorry this is so long. and im sorry to my parents for not being the daughter they wanted me to be. im not this obedient dog that will do whatever they say whenever they say it. i just wanted to tell someone. even after all this shit; i cant bring myself to hate anyone. i only feel sorry for them. i feel pity, because they could have had a great life with beautiful families. but they dont and its their own fault.

    if anyone is reading this; please never treat anyone like my family treats each other. it really hurts and you'll only end up ruining their life and making them feel worthless. so please, i beg you dont treat anyone so wrong. because you never know what they are going through, so please dont say hurtful things to others, because what you say may cause more damage than what you intended for it to cause. i genuinely dont think my parents did the things they have done because they are psychotic or pure evil, i feel like they genuinely thought they were teaching me to be obedient, but they didnt. they just hurt me.
  13. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Nylibra, I'm so sorry you and your family are going through all of this. It sound stressful. :hug:

    Have you ever tried to talk to your mum about how she is feeling, and about how you are feeling when this sort of situation happens?

    If you express your concern for your mum, perhaps she would agree to talk to someone for support. You live in Britain, so I assume you have NHS. Do you have a GP? Do you think if you suggested it, you and your mum could go to see the doctor and talk about what is going on? The doctor could assess your mum's symptoms and would be able to recommend the right kind of support/help/treatment. The doc might suggest anti-depressants and/or further counselling.

    For you, are you in school? Do you have a school counsellor you could talk to? That might also lead the way for getting help for your mum.

    I'm so glad you found Suicide Forum. We will support you as much as we can, but I suspect it would really help your mum to get some real life support too.

    Keep us posted on how you are doing. I hope things settle down soon. Stay safe. :arms:
  14. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    hi nylibra.
    Like Acy, i too a so sorry you have been going through all this.
    They say lies about you. And I do hear you when you say your mother was very wounded as well. I do not judge her. She likely is a very frightened person who has been so very hurt. But I still want you to know that I do totally believe that the messages you have heard about you that are negative..... are big lies.

    Please know that they do not get to define who you are in the future. you can overcome what has happened. You are so smart. You see things. You are aware. Healing the wounds ( including the wounding messages about who you are) is a journey. But you can do it. You are good. I can see you have compassion. You can show your sister that they dont get to have the final word on who you become in the future.

    For now, its a matter of getting through life until you can get out of the very toxic enviornment. Acy knows a heck of a lot more about getting help in the UK. Also, I have also heard that the samaritans can offer some help and support. There is a link at sf to contact them. http://www.samaritans.org/how-we-ca...s-you-can-get-touch/what-happens-when-i-email

    For what its worth, I got through the worst of it when I was growing up by planning my future. I would imagine it, from my heart. Just imagine what I wanted to do. And what it would be like. Only positive thoughts were allowed for this. Sometimes things start with imagining, from the heart. And eventually they become real. Believe me, I spent a lot of time imagining my good future.

    I am so glad you found this community. Please post here often. You are so insightful and caring. A great addition to sf.
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