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My Mum

Discussion in 'Domestic Abuse' started by ~Nobody~, May 15, 2007.

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  1. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    My Mum used to hit me all the time, for doing anything at all out of line. And often when I hadn't actually done anything wrong. She's hit, slap, push, grab, throw things... I'm not just talking about a smacked bum when I was little, I'm talking about hitting me in the face when I was 15. One time when I was 15 she grabbed me by the throat and pushed me against the wall because my room was a mess. I left, and said I wouldn't come back. She came and got me, and full on physically assaulted me, basically. That same night her then-boyfriend assaulted me for the first time sexually, I guess because he knew I didn't have anyone to turn to.

    I left again that night and went to stay with my Dad, and then my boyfriend, for a week or two. I went back because she promised to stop (and her boyfriend had me convinced that what he did was a one-off thing that he felt terrible about, too :dry:).

    There was one occasion after that where she slapped me, and another occasion where she threw a bone at my head. But all in all she did actually stop.

    When she couldn't hit me anymore, she would still hit my younger brother. I stuck up for him, and she promised to stop that too. But a minute ago she smacked him round the side of the head really hard 'cause he told her it wasn't fair to shout at the dog.

    I told her that wasn't okay. She threatened me, told me I show her no respect. I know she's drunk.

    I'm shaking. This brings back way too much for me.

    I want to protect my brother but I don't want her to kick me out again.

    Help. :cry:
  2. RainbowChaser

    RainbowChaser Well-Known Member

  3. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    :( :hug: Can you talk to another relative or someone outside the family or even a doctor? You nor your brother should have to put up with this, and if you are brave enough to speak up, you won't have to. :hug:
  4. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the hug sammie :hug:

    When if came to boiling point with me three years ago I did tell other people. I told my grandparents, and my uncle, and my dad. No-one approved, and everyone wanted to help out, but no-one was actually prepared to tell my mum how to raise her kids (and anyway, she always said there was very good reason for it). My grandparents didn't say anything to her because I know my grandad was pretty violent and alcoholic-y when he was younger, so he has that on his conscience and my grandma has putting up with that on hers.

    I thought it had worked out. MY mum can still be horrible (and I suppose abusive) to me, but only verbally. I thought she was kind of dealing with it. But she really did whack my brother just now. He was being lippy, but that doesn't mean she can hit him. She's so inconsistant with him too, which can't help. One minute a certain behaviour is fine and the next minute he's getting hit for it.

    I hate the way she gets when she drinks. Especially gin. I know that I am an alcoholic, but I never get violent or anything, so I don't think it;s comparable really :dry:.

    She told me just now I had no right to complain, I can move out if I don't like this family. It's not as simple as that though, is it *sigh*.

    :hug: x
  5. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    Certainly is a difficult situation. I suggest you call Childline on 0800 1111, if you were to tell them about the situation you and your brother is in right now, I'm sure they will be able to help in some way. There's a chance your mum may get in trouble and I can understand how that puts off many relatives from speaking out but you and your brother need to be safe.

    Your mother certainly has anger and alcohol issues that need to be addressed and if nothing is done then I can't see how anything is going to be solved. You and your brother are the top two priorities right now.

    You could try speaking to a relative again. You say you told relatives 3 years ago and they didn't do much but if you were to tell them now, and they realise it is STILL happening it may be the push they need to step in.

    This site may be of some help: http://www.donthideit.com/

  6. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the support :arms: :hug:

    At 18, I'm too old for Childline, but I guess my brother isn't.

    She appears to have calmed down now. I don't know... I don't want to make excuses for her but it has been okay physically for some time. It was kind of out of the blue. Just dragged up a lot of old memories. :unsure:

    I have never hit her or hurt her, I haven't even pushed her away. But the standing up for myself worked in the end. I think she knows it isn't really okay to hit your children like that. Not that that makes it okay, at all, but you know what I mean.

    I think the worst thing for her would be to get in any legal trouble. It's not that I don't think she might deserve to, just that she's so messed up and unhappy already, I think it might make her life worse.

    And yes, my therapist has told me I have to stop acting like I am the mother :rolleyes: but that's hard when I have looked after her for the last ten years to some extent, and pretty much totally for the last four. :unsure: :sad:

    I want my mum to have some therapy and maybe some meds, but she won't. She has time off work for depression, and is prescibed medication, but she doesn't take it. And she says counselling isn't for her. *sigh*
    Last edited by a moderator: May 15, 2007
  7. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    How old is your brother? I don't know if you're too old for childline but you could call on your brothers behalf. It doesn't matter if your mum is physically abusing you or verbally, either way she shouldn't.

    I know where you're coming from about your mum needing support rather than getting into legal trouble. Have you tried talking to a doctor or your therapist about your mums behaviour? If your mum realises she needs help then that's a good sign, you could try writing her a letter and explaining things to her. Sometimes a personal letter can be a reality shock and make people realise what they are doing is wrong and can make them think.

    As a mother, she should put you and your brother first, as you most probably know. The alcohol addiction turns her into a monster and if she calms down the drinking, then hopefully the verbal/physial abuse will stop.

    Me being the nosey person I am, who is L? If you'd rather not say you can ignore that question, it's fine. :)

  8. Darken

    Darken Well-Known Member

    I think it would be best if you could live with some one else and your brother too, no matter what your mom says, no point in taking the risk. *hug*
  9. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    *cough* "L" is no-one. I made a typo :tongue:. I hit it because I was hitting the colon key to make a colon to write : arms : with :doh:.

    I am too old for childline, but that's okay. They have a seperate helpline for concerned people to ring anyway. My brother is 14.

    I have tried to talk to my therapist but it's kind of complicated. Firstly, my therapist sucks :dry:. Secondly, she knows my mum :rolleyes:. I have spoken to my doctor about it, and she is also my mum's doctor. She keeps signing my mum's sick notes, but though she prescribes her anti-Ds and offers her a counselling referral, she won't accept.

    The Doctor managed to come up with a reason to test all my mum's blood levels a little while ago. My mum was terrified because she thought it would reveal something about her liver or whatever (she always lies about how much she drinks). But it didn't. Everything was normal. And she's been drinking much more since, like she thinks she's invincible.

    I know she should put us first really, but she doesn't, and she hasn't. I can tell she feels awful about it, and her way of dealing with it is just acting like there's not a problem :rolleyes:. It's so difficult. :sad:

    Zohmygob, thanks for the hug :hug:.
  10. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    Somebody.. :hug:

    Your mom sounds exactly like mine. The hitting and all. It's not a pleasant environment for anything, I would try and get your brother some type of help hon.
    I'm here if you need me.
  11. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    One of the best things you can do is be there for your brother. My bro's dad was really emotionally abusive and often. One night, it got out of hand. I went into my brother's room and just talked to him. I said, "What do you think about what your Dad said to you tonight?" He immediately busted out crying and said, "I know Dad loves me, but I just don't think he likes me very much." He was 10 at the time and my heart just broke for him, really. I said, "Do you think it's ok for him to treat you like that?" And he said no. I then said, "You're damn right it's not. Your Dad's parents didn't know how to love him and so he doesn't know how to love either, but that is no excuse. People who love each other should NEVER EVER treat someone else that way, especially their children, and I don't blame you one bit for being hurt and angry. Just know that it's not ok for him to treat you like that." Then I stayed with him until he fell asleep. He was so hurt, but I really got through to him that night. I think because of this, my brother knows how to treat people and he will not pass this on to his children when he has them. If there is nothing else you can do, be there for your brother and let him know that this is not the way normal people treat each other, especially their loved ones. Be his best ally, his best friend and everything that he can look up to and emulate since he doesn't have that from anyone else.
  12. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    Thanks guys :grouphug:

    Peanut your story touched me and makes a lot of sense, thanks for the great advice :hug:

    Jess, again I am sorry to hear about your home environment :sad:. Thanks for the support, and the same goes for you - I'm here for you anytime if you need me :arms: x
  13. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Aww you're welcome Nobody...pm me if you ever need to talk :hug:
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