My mum

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by Sa Palomera, Mar 12, 2008.

  1. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    My mum died when I was 10 months old. Never knew how exactly. I had just been told that she was declared brain dead after her brain had been cut off from oxygen due to a clot of blood in her neck.

    2 weeks ago I had a meeting with my dad (and his wife) and my therapist, and I got to ask all questions I had regarding my mother.
    Ever since it's been on my mind, like, constantly. I keep thinking how horrible it must have been for my dad, and for herself of course. It's like now I know exactly how she died, and it hurts even more than before. Though in some way I have also found some rest. .. At least now I know.

    I don't know. I also have been so angry lately. And the smallest things can tick me off so badly. My PsychoMotor therapist, is now working on that with me individually, so hopefully that'll change..

    But like.. I just can't get the words out of my mouth. When people ask what it is that's bothering me I can't get any further than "grieving process". Cos according to my therapists (and I know they're right about it), I'm in a belated grieving process.
    I need to actually say it. I can't say it. It's all so useless.. WHAT'S THE POINT, MY MUM IS DEAD AND SHE AIN'T COMING BACK!

    But I know there's so much to life, and all that. I'm not suicidal anymore.. BUT I WANT TO MISS HER LESS!

    How long will this grieving process last? It's costing me so much energy and pain :sad:
  2. Shauna Lea

    Shauna Lea Staff Alumni


    I wish I could tell you exactly how long it will take until you get on top of things but unfortunately there is no time limit on the grieving process. Personally I have never been through something like what you are going through but one of my best friends Mum's was killed when he was 3. He went through the same kind of emotions that you are feeling but the good news is that now he lives a happy life. I think the key is surrounding yourself with supportive people (which you seem to be doing) and facing the feelings rather than hiding from them.

    Your taking giant steps in the right direction - keep moving forward darlin!


    P.S VIP tickets are in the mail haha!
  3. Bob26003

    Bob26003 Well-Known Member

    Good Question Ester: I dont know.

    My Mom died a few years back on Thanksgiving day :(

    Luckily , it does not really dwell with me or eat at me.

    I know this sounds so cliche but, they are in a better place now.

    And we cannot change what is. It is beyond our control.

    But being as you were only ten months old, you never really knew her that much. So that is completely different.

    Personally, I think the best thing would be talking to your Dad about it.

    are you two getting along OK?

    Your Dad could tell you what she was like and so on.........
  4. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    I wish I knew Ester, I really do...
  5. JBird

    JBird Well-Known Member

    It's always good to talk about how you feel, especially when you're grieving. I hope this will help because it'll help you feel a tiny bit better if you can get how you feel out and talk about it with someone. I have a problem with speaking and talking about my feelings, even writing it down is hard. I've got a new system with my friend, sometimes i can't get my feelings out because i can't find a word to explain so instead she asks me to put it into a metaphor. One time i made my friend explode by saying
    "I'm a rock filling up with water, and the water just keeps coming in but the rock is too small that i'm either going to drown or break"
    sometimes she can't get her head around the metaphors that i use but sometimes it feels a lot better because it makes you understand a bit more. It doesn't matter how silly it sounds or what you compare it to.

    Another method is to look up song lyrics and copy and paste the bits that relate to how you feel.

    They are just methods that i use, they've helped me a lot in the past, i hope you will try them out so you can feel a little bit better.

    People grieve differently and for longer/shorter periods of time. The truth is that the pain will always be there, the thoughts will always be there. You won't be able to move on til you're ready, there's no way to force yourself to move on because it'll just do you more damage. Its not true that the pain will get easier, when you're ready to move on you will and the pain will ease but like i said before, the pain and thoughts will always be there, when you think about you're mum and all the things you've been through you will feel the pain you feel now but you won't feel it constantly.

    Now you've got what you needed to find you'll finally be able to move on when you're mind is ready but until then try to talk about how you feel and let people in.

  6. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    Thanks Shauns, it's good to hear people actually living happy lives despite losing a parent at such a young age.
    You're right about having to face the feelings rather than hide from them, but it just is so much easier to lock it all away inside. "As long as we don't talk about it, it isn't there". Except that at some point you cant hide from it anymore... Which is when you have to start dealing. Guess I am at that point now :sad:

    Sorry to hear about your mum, Bob :hug: I'm glad to see that you have seemed to be able to give it a place and be at peace with it.

    I know talking about it with my dad would be a good thing, and we actually have talked about it, during that meeting 2 weeks ago. Thing with me and my dad, though, is that we don't have the best of relationships. In fact we hadn't seen or spoken to each other for about a year until recently. My depression and me living away from home, was a bit of a strain on our relationship, so to say and I really pushed him and all my family away from me. So during this time, which was the time when I started having more and more questions about my mother and missing her more and more, I couldn't talk to anyone about her. Well I could, but I couldn't ask questions and stuff, because I didn't have any contact with anyone who had known her.
    We're trying to build a relationship back up now though, so perhaps in the future we'll talk about her more.
    Anyway that one meeting during which we talked about my mother for an hour and a half was a giant step in the right direction :smile:

    Hey JKid :hug:

    Can I just ask, how old you are? You seem such a wise person! :hug:
    The metaphor idea kinda appeals to me, as it would indeed be a solution without me having to actually say exactly what's going on in my head.
    The lyrics thing I use a lot in emails and stuff, as music is very important to me and there's always some song that appeals to whatever is going on. There's a song to every situation in life, me thinks.

    I'm sorry to hear that even writing feelings down is hard for you :sad: :hug: I'm already having a hard time, and I don't even have problems expressing myself on paper/computer screen. I can only imagine how you must feel if that is hard as well as talking :sad: Just so you know, feel free to add me on MSN or email me anytime: Ishy87[a]gmail[dot]com
  7. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Losing a parent is difficult at any age. The grieving process has no set time limits as we all deal with things at our own pace. Now that you have truly begun to grieve your mom, there will be several stages you will go through. I am sure your therapist can walk through them with you. It is important to know that what you are feeling is okay. We go through denial, sadness, guilt, anger, and finally acceptance. Once the process is complete, healing begins and you can begin to cope with the loss. the hurt never goes away, but it does get to where you can let it lie in the background and it doesn't consume you. Continue to talk about your feelings. This helps a great deal. We are here for you hun. :hug:
  8. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    M. is no more.

    We are left behind, misunderstanding, searching for the 'why?'. But we don't have to search for answers.
    Anyone who knew M. knows that she lived with love, compassion, care and dedication towards her environment.
    That she could think deeply about life and death.
    That she found that there are questions to which there's no rational answer.
    And that she accepted that.

    "Of the concert of life nobody gets a program" is the text of a flag she put up the wall. M has always wanted to enjoy the music of life, knowing that to every piece of music, there's an ending.
    This concert was too short, but we'll have to accept it.
    That's the way she'd have wanted it.


    You know those little cards people get at one's funeral? Well this is part of the text in my mother's. I found it just now, when browsing through the photo-albums of my mother and father.
    Right now I'm numb. Well not numb, but empty, yet full of tears.

    I know I'll have to accept it all at some point but right now, I just want to be with her.

    I'm off again now. Going to get some distraction around my stepmum.
  9. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    *sigh* :cry:

    It's like... Everywhere I go, I see the words "mum" or "mother" pop up. And every time again I just get this twinge of sadness and utter despair.

    I miss her.

    Why am I even posting this. It's not like anyone can give any more advice :dunno:
    Guess I just need to vent.. But what's there to say? She's dead. What's the point in talking? What's the point in anything.

    So many things I wish she'd been able to see me do and go through. So many things I wish we could've done together.
    She hasn't even see me taking my first baby-steps!

    What's the damn point?
  10. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    I miss her.
  11. blue shoes

    blue shoes Well-Known Member

    Ish :sad: :hug: :hug: :hug: I wish I knew what to say ...
  12. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    :hug: Estface. :sad::hug::hug:
  13. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    Blue shoes, don't worry :hug: There really isn't anything that can be said. It's just something I'll have to give a place in my heart. And I am doing so, it's just that sometimes, especially at night, I just.. y'know.. feel an emptiness or something...

    It comes and goes really.. :dunno:

    :hug: :hug: Blue Shoes & Jess :hug: :hug:
  14. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    *sigh* it's one of those days again.. :sad:

    I need to visit her grave. Haven't been there in like... Well I think last time I went there was July last year :unsure:
    It's 2 hours by train though, and then another 15 mins by bus. And same for the ride back. And it's so expensive. Not really money I can spend at the moment. :sad:
    Besides it's like right around the block of my parents' place. And it'd feel rather awkward if I'd run into them. :rolleyes:

    Urgh. This is when I regret moving so far away from my old home town. :sad:
  15. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    Mother's Day is coming up :cry:
  16. kittyD

    kittyD Well-Known Member

    Ish, This is a timely subject for me.
    Today is the 12 anniversary of my dads death.
    And facing my first mothers day since my mom died in Oct 07.
    And I'm an only so I don't have that companionship of grief.
    What I've learned is that while those 'special' days hurt, we can kind of be prepared for them. But the unexpected times are brutal. But you learn to take a deep breath and realize that its fleeting.
    Someone told me that for the first year after, when you see someone that was at the funeral (someone you don't see in your everyday life), that you're immediately taken back to that day. That was the truest thing said to me and I've tried to pass it on because it helped me so much.
    I don't think the pain ever truly ends, but it lessens so that it becomes bearable.
    Perhaps you could try some kind of ritual, depending on your beliefs, that acknowledges the loss , on mothers day. Anything from lighting a candle for her at a church, planting a flower etc. or even getting her a card. Someone on this site recommended this to me and i think its good advice.
    wishing you well
  17. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    :hug: :hug:
  18. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    Yeah, it's another one of those days.
    This year it'll be 20 years, mum.
    20 fucking years, and I'm still here, trying to make something of this life. Trying to live my life so that you could've been proud. :unsure:

    This morning was creepy. Hadn't had something like that for ages. I think the last time was at least 6 months ago. But I woke up from being half-asleep/half-awake and I could've sworn mum was standing there. I was actually talking to her.
    It took me an hour to realise it hadn't been real.
    Also I've been having some dreams of her again, recently.

    I'm hoping it's just a period again, that it'll be over again in a month or so.
  19. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    "Mama, do I make you proud?"

    I never went shopping with you, I never went out for lunch with you, I never got to give you a birthday present. You didn't even get to be at my first birthday.

    And the more I think of it, the more I get upset, yet I can't stop thinking of you.
    You're my mother. I'm supposed to be able to talk to you about love-relationships, about crushes, about cool festivals I've been to. I'm supposed to be able to call you and blab about all those little things.

    I wish I could just call you right now and tell you how stoked I am about the fact that I got a hug from John Butler. I want to talk to you about cheese, about recipes, about boys and girls. About celebrity crushes. All those little chats that many people take for granted.

    I miss you.
    I hope one day I'll be able to do something good for the world and that you can look down on me, being proud of that fact that you're my mother.
  20. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    How proud you must be of me now (not) :dry:

    I miss you :cry: