My name is darlene

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Darlene, Jan 29, 2012.

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  1. Darlene

    Darlene Member

    My Name is Darlene
    I am 44 years old and now alone.
    The love of my life commited suicide on Christmas eve. last month. He was 44. My workout partner, golf partner. love of my life. The words " we are one " always came out of his mouth. We lived together for two years and were planning to be married in the future. He wanted that so bad. We were happy just being home together.
    We were very very close. Best friends. Just the two of us. The only time we were apart was when I was at work.
    Mark had a very active past before he met me. It always bothered me even to a point that I was not comfortable with certain tv shows . His past always bothered me. I wish I never knew about it. He said he loved me everyday. I was his one and only love forever.
    He was not working and went thru 2 previous divorces. He was on disability. He had a lot of problems from his past. We never worried about money. It was always him wanting me to trust him. I should have. He told me I was the only thing that was keeping him happy.
    He knew I did not like certain things on tv. On Christmas eve we planned on watching the giants jets game.
    I went and picked up pizza. When I came home he gave me a card that said You are all I want, All I need, All I love. He was happy that day however for most of the past month he was always depressed.
    He was very depressed. We were always there for each other.
    He was laughing very hard at something on tv that I did not like. We had a bad argument. He told me not to tell him what to laugh at and not to laught at. He told me I needed to lighten up.
    He already knew what pushed my hot buttons. I told him after christmas I was leaving. I was just mad. He left very mad at me.
    We were never away from each other for more than 5 minutes. He never came back home. I called him 88 times and I Text him close to 50 times.
    Where are you? I searched all night for him. He called me one time at 455 pm on Christmas eve and hung up. I begged him to tell me where he was thru my text messages. He never replied or picked up the phone. The next day I reported him missing. The police came to my door. They found him at a Marina. He commited suicide. Why if he loved me so much. Why did he leave me. We had some many plans. We were always going to be together. I never was more happy in my life. Even under good times and bad we loved each other.
    I am so gulty about our fight. I was his only hope and he left me. We never fought about money or bills. It was always trust. I would rather be arguing with him right now than him being dead. We had more good times than bad. I can't understand why he would leave me and not want to see me again. Why didn't he talk when he called me that one time.
    Darlene
     
  2. Lucano

    Lucano Well-Known Member

    Welcome.

    I can't even imagine, nor understand your pain. Though I am in a lot of pain too. However, if you ever need to talk, if you need someone to listen to you. You can message me, I will listen. You're not alone.
     
  3. Mr Stewart

    Mr Stewart Well-Known Member

    Hi Darlene. Welcome to the forum.

    I am very sorry for your loss. I know this is hard, but please try not to blame yourself. You did everything you could to reach out to him, to find him when he left.

    Please take care.
     
  4. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    Oh Darlene, I am so sorry this happened to you. My husband and I have similar arguments about TV shows and movies. So, I just want you to know that I understand how you may have felt about that. Based on what you said about him being previously depressed though, I think that he may have been planning to do that for a while. A lot of people when they are depressed have "back-up plans" to commit the deed. I don't think it's your fault at all that this happened, so please try not to blame yourself. We can't help when certain things upset us. You didn't know that he'd react that way or what was on his mind at the time. I am sure that he loved you, though, and he didn't do this to upset you, or because he never wanted to see you again. In fact, I can pretty much assure you of that. Maybe he called to hear your voice one last time because of how much he loved you, but didn't talk because he didn't want to be talked out of it? He had a lot of underlying problems besides your fight it sounds like. I think you should go to grief counseling...I think they could really help you deal with this a bit better.
     
  5. Darlene

    Darlene Member

    Why didn't he want to see me again. I must have drove him crazy. We were so close. I was so stresses. I should have supported him better. I just want to never wake up.
     
  6. Waster

    Waster Member

    Hi Darlene,

    I am no stranger in having those thoughts and I am in no position to offer advice, but I can share my opinion.

    Questions must always be in your head about what happened. You cannot blame yourself, and there is nothing you could of done differently. The pain that man was in made him set out to kill himself, and he did so.

    People have varied opinions on suicide, and I don't mean to offend.

    Personally, if a person is in so much pain that he feels the need to end his misery, he cannot be called selfish just because he will upset other people. Why should he go through that, just so he doesn't make his loved ones upset. The most important person to everyone, is themselves.
    You should see a professional regularly if possible. Somebody that can help you deal with the pain/mourning. Eventually I believe that you will come out a better person and you can move on in your life, slowly but surely. That's what your partner would want.

    I have never experienced death of a loved one, but I can only imagine how you must feel. You poor thing. :(
    Best of luck.
     
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