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My Name is Traci, and I'm Suicidal -- Follow-up to my original post.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Traci, Sep 1, 2010.

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  1. Traci

    Traci Member

    I want to thank everyone for responding. I really appreciate your warm welcome and kind words.

    I've frightened my husband by my original post. I didn't intend for Justin to see it, or even know I'd reached out to this forum. I have my account set up to alert me on my blackberry email whenever I receive a response, and he happened to hear one of the alerts, so he checked out my phone to see what it was about. I give him free reign to look through my phone whenever he chooses, as I don't generally have any reason to hide anything from him. He's the best husband a wife could ever ask for. He loves me with everything he has. We've been together for a long time. In fact, he was my very first love. We were too young to understand or sustain any type of real relationship and our first relationship fell away. When I was pregnant with my first child, Justin and I reconnected. He had grown to the point that he knew we were meant for each other. I rejected his declaration of love, told him we would never be together. I was pregnant with another man's child. He didn't care about any of that. He intended to marry me. I became cruel in my rejection, insisting that I would never marry him. I broke his heart, yet he still carried the torch. He moved away to Alaska for four years. In the mean time, I had another child with the father of my oldest daughter, a son. Our relationship didn't work out and I moved on. Justin maintained contact with me, from Alaska, at least once a year. He never forgot my birthday, always called, always sent something to me.
    In 1994, he called to wish me a happy birthday. It wasn't happy. I was carrying my youngest child and we'd burried her father just the day before. Justin heard the suffering in my voice from thousands of miles away and he made the decision to come home to Oregon. He knew I needed him and he came back. He is the most selfless person I've ever known. I'd had two children with another man and I was pregnant with yet another man's child and still he loved me as much as he ever had. I'm incredibly lucky. My first love stepped into the roll of Daddy without a moment's hesitation, holding me while I cried over the loss of my daughter's father, loving me unconditionally and loving my children as his own--and they are his own. He is their daddy. I can't convey with mere words how very much I love my husband. My bond with him is absolute concrete. No man could ever possibly turn my head or heart. I belong to him, body and soul. I love him. I LOVE HIM!
    t's hard for him to grasp what I'm trying to accomplish by joining this forum. He knows full well the depression I live with, yet he has never lost patience with it. How have I been so lucky?
    In 2001, at age 30, I was stricken with aggressive uterine cancer. I had to have a radical hysterectomy. I could never carry Justin's biological child. His love, dedication and commitment has never faltered. Again, how do I deserve this wonderful man? Not that the question of whether or not I deserve him has ever stopped me from hanging on to him. I'd never. Give him up. He is my rock, my love.
    As the anniversary of my brother's passing nears, my depression has deepened. It's harder and harder to experience joy during this time. These are the toughest times to keep my selfish suicidal thoughts at bay. But I will not give in to th em. I will not abandon my family. I will not.
    I do wish I didn't have to FEEL so much. The pain is ever present, but it's so much more pronounced as September 5th draws nearer. It's gonna be a tough time in my immediate future, but I'm going to stay around. If not for me, I will stay for my family. Because they love me. Because they need me. And because I love them. I will stay.
  2. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    thats good news.
  3. Aquarius123

    Aquarius123 Well-Known Member

    That's wonderful news, dear Traci, and the reward for your bravery and application to your loved ones will surely come. This is because in the Universal Life Force, known by some as God, all energies and aspects are perfectly balanced and the whole of Creation bears witness to and reflects this. The Universal law of Karma, with its subdivisions of the laws of balance and compensation, ensures that anything in God’s Creation that becomes unbalanced has to be put right again at some point. The Universal laws see to it that when we have been going through difficult times, patiently enduring whatever was necessary to restore the required balance in us and our lives, some kind of compensation and reward eventually comes our way.

    During the times when our soul seems to be walking through a great deal of darkness, it is our birthright to call for Divine help to show us how to transmute all darkness within ourselves and our world into light, the light and wisdom of experience. God and the Angels can and will help us, though only when we call, to change even the greatest evil into Highest good for all life and, therefore, also for us. God is waiting to help us and our world to transmute all sorrow, pain and suffering into joy and happiness.

    We do well never to forget that with the help of the Universe all things are possible and that – if we but ask and trust:

    • All crooked corners can be made straight;
    • Out of apparent evil there can eventually come much good;
    • And all conditions can be healed.


    With love and light,
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    It is good you have such love in your life He certainly is a keeper His love and your childrens love will keep you strong and out of that darkness okay. IF you depression is not under control then try talking to you doctor okay change thinks up a bit increase meds go to therapy but try okay for all of you. Justin and your children want you happy and well Iam glad you can see how much they need you and love you
  5. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    What I don't understand is that if Justin is truly your soulmate, and I'm sure you realized that he indeed was, then why break up with him and have children with other men? Now that you are back together with him, I hope that you can find the strength to carry on and live the life that you were meant to live together. Cancer couldn't kill you and neither should your suicidal thoughts. Your children need their mother. :hug:
  6. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    Hi Traci, I'm glad that you have the love of a wonderful person as your husband. You need to stay alive for your children and him. You should see a doctor and get some medication and therapy for your depression. On the anniversary of your brother's death, you must realize more than ever that he loves you and don't want you to be unhappy like this over him. OK.
    Praying to God, helps. Line up things to do that day, which should be hopefully, with your family. This will keep you busy and might ease the pain. The day will pass before you know it, and you'll be involved with other things that will happen as they always do.:hugtackles:
  7. Aquarius123

    Aquarius123 Well-Known Member

    Love is the nature and the law of the Universe

    Dear Traci - I believe that it's not other people's love that makes us strong, but the ability to love that is within us, to which they respond. That's our true strength, because love is the nature of the Universe and also its law.

    This love wants all its creatures to grow and evolve through learning from their own experiences. The true nature of humankind is love because from love we once came and to love each one of us eventually returns. This world was created to help every soul discover and then integrate its Divine qualities. That is why time and again we have to return to it, until we finally have learn to love the way our Creator loves us and all His/Her creations. This way of loving is by no means some kind of soppy emotion. First and foremost it is kindness, gentleness, consideration and tolerance towards all life and beings, including ourselves.

    To my mind, learning to love this life and everything that is in it can only come through an increased awareness of the true purpose and meaning of our present existence, and an understanding of the different lessons each soul has to face during its present lifetime. More than anything else it has helped me to become familiar with the weaknesses and pitfalls that are inherent in the negative aspects of all signs. In every new lifetime the earthly personality encounters them, in the hope of learning how to rise above and overcome them.


    With love and light,
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