I want to thank everyone for responding. I really appreciate your warm welcome and kind words. I've frightened my husband by my original post. I didn't intend for Justin to see it, or even know I'd reached out to this forum. I have my account set up to alert me on my blackberry email whenever I receive a response, and he happened to hear one of the alerts, so he checked out my phone to see what it was about. I give him free reign to look through my phone whenever he chooses, as I don't generally have any reason to hide anything from him. He's the best husband a wife could ever ask for. He loves me with everything he has. We've been together for a long time. In fact, he was my very first love. We were too young to understand or sustain any type of real relationship and our first relationship fell away. When I was pregnant with my first child, Justin and I reconnected. He had grown to the point that he knew we were meant for each other. I rejected his declaration of love, told him we would never be together. I was pregnant with another man's child. He didn't care about any of that. He intended to marry me. I became cruel in my rejection, insisting that I would never marry him. I broke his heart, yet he still carried the torch. He moved away to Alaska for four years. In the mean time, I had another child with the father of my oldest daughter, a son. Our relationship didn't work out and I moved on. Justin maintained contact with me, from Alaska, at least once a year. He never forgot my birthday, always called, always sent something to me. In 1994, he called to wish me a happy birthday. It wasn't happy. I was carrying my youngest child and we'd burried her father just the day before. Justin heard the suffering in my voice from thousands of miles away and he made the decision to come home to Oregon. He knew I needed him and he came back. He is the most selfless person I've ever known. I'd had two children with another man and I was pregnant with yet another man's child and still he loved me as much as he ever had. I'm incredibly lucky. My first love stepped into the roll of Daddy without a moment's hesitation, holding me while I cried over the loss of my daughter's father, loving me unconditionally and loving my children as his own--and they are his own. He is their daddy. I can't convey with mere words how very much I love my husband. My bond with him is absolute concrete. No man could ever possibly turn my head or heart. I belong to him, body and soul. I love him. I LOVE HIM! t's hard for him to grasp what I'm trying to accomplish by joining this forum. He knows full well the depression I live with, yet he has never lost patience with it. How have I been so lucky? In 2001, at age 30, I was stricken with aggressive uterine cancer. I had to have a radical hysterectomy. I could never carry Justin's biological child. His love, dedication and commitment has never faltered. Again, how do I deserve this wonderful man? Not that the question of whether or not I deserve him has ever stopped me from hanging on to him. I'd never. Give him up. He is my rock, my love. As the anniversary of my brother's passing nears, my depression has deepened. It's harder and harder to experience joy during this time. These are the toughest times to keep my selfish suicidal thoughts at bay. But I will not give in to th em. I will not abandon my family. I will not. I do wish I didn't have to FEEL so much. The pain is ever present, but it's so much more pronounced as September 5th draws nearer. It's gonna be a tough time in my immediate future, but I'm going to stay around. If not for me, I will stay for my family. Because they love me. Because they need me. And because I love them. I will stay.