My name is Traci and I'm Suicidal

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Traci, Aug 28, 2010.

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  1. Traci

    Traci Member

    Hello, I'm brand new to this site. I suffer from grief-induced depression and PTSD. I've attempted suicide twice in the past four months. Obviously, I failed. Both attempts were genuine, not cries for help.
    I need help understanding how I could be so selfish. I have so much love in my life. I have the most wonderful family, who would be utterly devastated by my death. Death...more like abandonment. My brother died nearly six years ago. How could I possibly put my family through another senseless loss? The father of my almost 16 year old daughter committed suicide when I was four months pregnant with her. How could I be so selfish that I would wish to die, leaving my precious daughter to cope with the fact that both of her biological parents abandoned her to suicide?
    I have a wonderful husband and two other children, aged 18 and 20. How could I be so selfish to want to fade into oblivion and abandon them?
    I have the most wonderful parents, and cherished siblings --a sister and two brothers. After losing my brother, Cory (killed while driving drunk on September 5, 2004,) how could I possibly be so selfish as to want to end my life, when I know full well how much grief we've all been through since losing our beloved Cory. I watched my parents and siblings suffer. I felt -- FEEL -- the horrible loss of him every single day.
    I'm acutely aware of the horrible suffering my death would inflict on the people I love, the same people who LOVE ME!
    So, with all of that considered, why can't I chase away my selfish desire to die, to fade away into oblivion?
    Is anyone there? Can you help me understand? Can you help me overcome this all-consuming despair? This is why I've joined this forum. I need support.
    Please, anyone, talk to me. Tell me I'm not a selfish, crazy freak. Help me believe I can overcome my desperation. My family's future depends on me beating this desire to just go away forever.
    Thank you for listening.
    Please, someone respond.
  2. Dubstepper

    Dubstepper Staff Alumni

    welcome to the forum Traci.

    im sorry you've gone through so many losses, and i wanted to be the first of many to welcome you here, and we're glad you came for help. i know how difficult it is to lose those close to you, especially to suicide.
    you're not crazy, nor selfish. the simple fact that you understand what a hell your families would be in if you left renders you completely logical, and selfless.
    its not easy to make it day-by-day sometimes, but what i have learnt throughout my depression stages is that if you have to live for someone else, even for one day, its better than living for no purpose at all, and that gives life a reason. minute to minute, phone call to phone call. its all worth holding onto.

    feel free to PM me, and i will always answer asap
  3. Traci

    Traci Member

    Thank you, storm, for responding so quickly. It means the world to me. Your message was one of instant comfort that resonated immediately. Word can't express the depth of my gratitude.
    I'm really glad I found this forum. I think having people to talk to, people who don't know me but
    get me will be very helpful. I'll be able to help others as they help me. Brings a sense of hope.
    Again, thank you so very much.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi Traci lot us understand the loss of one to suicide that pain that is past on. My bro committed suicide year ago it kills me still to this day. Suicidal ideation is just that okay thoughts just say that oh that thought again and let it go away okay I hope you have a therapist to helpyou deal with the grief you losses of both your bro and father of daughter. Your right you will hurt many if you leave also pass on the suicdal tendancy to your daughter something youdon't want. You thoughts are because of your depression it makes us think that way Have you talk to anyone abt taking antidepressant or getting therapy as it does help one heal. Glad you reached out for support for being strong enough to say all you have and i hope you always hold on to your love ones because they will also bring some healing to you they will okay take each day as it is presented to you okay sometimes each hour but hold on as the thought usually leave eventually
  5. TheFlyingCactus

    TheFlyingCactus New Member

    Welcome. I'm new here too. =D

    I have had a suicide in my family recently, and I can tell you that what you are saying makes sense. It was how I felt, abandoned. But when it all comes down to it, you must do this for yourself. You're an amazing woman who has raised beautiful children who love you and that is no easy task, especially when there are deaths to people who are close to you along the way. You've made it through so much, and you are in no way a bad person for feeling the way you do. I can tell you are strong and I know you can overcome this feeling if you're willing to do it for yourself and the ones you love.
  6. jenniferelaine

    jenniferelaine Well-Known Member


    You are not crazy, and you are not selfish.

    You FEEL crazy because your emotions and logic aren't matching up. Your emotions are telling you one thing, but your brain knows the probable effect acting on those emotions would have on those around you. Having those 2 wildly diverging forces raging inside would make ANYONE feel crazy.

    And the simple fact that you CARE about what effect your actions have on others means you are very un-selfish. You're here, aren't you? You're asking for help.
  7. cashing_out

    cashing_out Well-Known Member

    Hi. Welcome. Glad you are here. We have a lot in common. I have gone through 13 deaths in my family. The four that impacted me the most father (murder/suicide), mother (motorcycle accident), fiance (hit by drunk driver) and, most recent, my brother (suicide). I guess im suicidal but my real problem is getting over my anger. Everything you said is soooooo very true. You need to stay here for many reasons and you mentioned them all except one. Yourself. I feel guilt, anger, hate, sorrow and would like nothing more than to erase the memories and press on with my life without all that baggage. But, this is the hand I have been dealt and I have to do the best I can with what I have left. You too must do the best you can. Right now I am trying to forgive myself. Not an easy task. I am very happy you are here on this site. This site has done more for me than 4 shrinks and medications could do. Im still here and am fighting for my life every friggen day. I even tried to leave this site and went to a anger management site......came back within days. The people here are very nice and dont judge. Everything your feeling is normal. If there is such a thing as being normal. I have posted this before but here are a few things that get me through the day.... Its everything you do, and nothing that you did.......{just keep swimming} Thats a quote from the charicter Dory in the movie "Finding Nemo". This too shall pass (still waiting patiently for it to pass) and my personal favorite......everybody has their load of crap to carry through life. Some are heavier than others but our job is to carry that load of crap no matter how heavy it gets. If I have to carry mine, you (not you directly) have to carry yours. Put it down and take a break but it is your job to pick it back up and keep on keeping on. Anyhow. Everybody on this site is in the same boat for one reason or another, you need to stay alive and on this site. You may save sombodies life.........
  8. SweetVitriol

    SweetVitriol Antiquitie's Friend

    Welcome to SF Traci..No words can express how I feel for you and your situation..But I know that the members in here can help carry your load, if you let them..
    Be strong hon..Even when it seems the darkest days, someone will hear you and reach out.
  9. Traci

    Traci Member

    I want to thank everyone for responding. I really appreciate your warm welcome and kind words.

    I've frightened my husband by my original post. I didn't intend for Justin to see it, or even know I'd reached out to this forum. I have my account set up to alert me on my blackberry email whenever I receive a response, and he happened to hear one of the alerts, so he checked out my phone to see what it was about. I give him free reign to look through my phone whenever he chooses, as I don't generally have any reason to hide anything from him. He's the best husband a wife could ever ask for. He loves me with everything he has. We've been together for a long time. In fact, he was my very first love. We were too young to understand or sustain any type of real relationship and our first relationship fell away. When I was pregnant with my first child, Justin and I reconnected. He had grown to the point that he knew we were meant for each other. I rejected his declaration of love, told him we would never be together. I was pregnant with another man's child. He didn't care about any of that. He intended to marry me. I became cruel in my rejection, insisting that I would never marry him. I broke his heart, yet he still carried the torch. He moved away to Alaska for four years. In the mean time, I had another child with the father of my oldest daughter, a son. Our relationship didn't work out and I moved on. Justin maintained contact with me, from Alaska, at least once a year. He never forgot my birthday, always called, always sent something to me.
    In 1994, he called to wish me a happy birthday. It wasn't happy. I was carrying my youngest child and we'd burried her father just the day before. Justin heard the suffering in my voice from thousands of miles away and he made the decision to come home to Oregon. He knew I needed him and he came back. He is the most selfless person I've ever known. I'd had two children with another man and I was pregnant with yet another man's child and still he loved me as much as he ever had. I'm incredibly lucky. My first love stepped into the roll of Daddy without a moment's hesitation, holding me while I cried over the loss of my daughter's father, loving me unconditionally and loving my children as his own--and they are his own. He is their daddy. I can't convey with mere words how very much I love my husband. My bond with him is absolute concrete. No man could ever possibly turn my head or heart. I belong to him, body and soul. I love him. I LOVE HIM!
    t's hard for him to grasp what I'm trying to accomplish by joining this forum. He knows full well the depression I live with, yet he has never lost patience with it. How have I been so lucky?
    In 2001, at age 30, I was stricken with aggressive uterine cancer. I had to have a radical hysterectomy. I could never carry Justin's biological child. His love, dedication and commitment has never faltered. Again, how do I deserve this wonderful man? Not that the question of whether or not I deserve him has ever stopped me from hanging on to him. I'd never. Give him up. He is my rock, my love.
    As the anniversary of my brother's passing nears, my depression has deepened. It's harder and harder to experience joy during this time. These are the toughest times to keep my selfish suicidal thoughts at bay. But I will not give in to th em. I will not abandon my family. I will not.
    I do wish I didn't have to FEEL so much. The pain is ever present, but it's so much more pronounced as September 5th draws nearer. It's gonna be a tough time in my immediate future, but I'm going to stay around. If not for me, I will stay for my family. Because they love me. Because they need me. And because I love them. I will stay.
  10. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Hi Traci and welcome......
    I understand how you're feeling having lost 5 members of my family to suicide..the last being my dear son....
    You are so lucky to have your loving husband but when we're depressed sometimes that doesn't even help I know....
    I hope you stay and let us help you cope....
  11. cashing_out

    cashing_out Well-Known Member

    Thats some good stuff to read Traci. I am glad you have decided to stay. Your husband shares some qualities with my wife. Bless them both for their unconditional love and patience. I just went through the same thing you are going through right now. My 4 anniversaries were all in August (one on 7/30) & 08/31 was my mothers birthday and the day we had her funeral. I know exactly how you feel and what you are going through. Keep on swimming.....
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