right so ive fought this on my own for a number of years now and its getting the better of me now , in march this year it was 8 years since my nana passed away , she died from lung cancer . the thing that bothers me the most about lossing her was she was more like a mother to me rather than a nana . when i was little and things went wrong at home , all id have to do was ring her and no matter where in the country i was she would drive to get me and take me back to her place for a few weeks while things settled at home , this happened on numerous occassions . it was just part of my childhood and became rather normal for me . towards the end she came to stay with us as the treatment she needed was in our city rather than in the city she lived in , at first we were told she only had 3 months to live , because of the treatment she managed 11 months . i try very hard to just accept whats happened , that it was her time to go and all but nothing eases the pain that shes gone , i guess because i still need her help with life even tho im an adult now . when she passed on thats when i first got ill , i had my first break down at age 17 and i guess ive never really recovered from it ive had numerous more breakdowns since then , i feel as tho i dont have a place in this world because shes not here anymore , in all fairness she was my reason to live and now i just dont have that anymore , i have no clue as to whats kept me going these last 8 years , all i want is to go and be with her where im safe . my hopes and dreams are all focused on being reunited with her , i dont know what to expect from writing this but i needed to get it off my mind thanks for reading .