My nanna (1943-2010)

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by feathers, Sep 8, 2010.

  1. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    Missing her so much right now, so I thought I'd write up a post that has been a long time coming to this board. The story of her, and the regrettable state I spent the months leading up to her death.

    Here is a photograph of me and her, 4 years ago.

    Firstly, my nanna was a large part of my upbringing. My mam worked a full time job, including summer holidays when I was a young kid, and my nanna looked after my whilst she was at work, before I went to school and in the holidays. We had a very close relationship. I felt quite bad when she admitted to me that I was her favourite grandchild of 7 of us. But she was my favourite grandparent, and in fact my favourite family member. I used to stay at her house every Tuesday night, and she taught me the alphabet, how to count, to tell the time and countless other things, including my spelling ability, which is one of the things I pride myself on the most.

    She got lung cancer a few years back, and was taken into hospital to have half of her lung removed. She was very ill. Just seeing her in hospital in critical condition affected me in a way I can't describe. But she got better. Well, I say better, she always had difficulty breathing and doing things too strenuous after that, but at least she was alive.

    Now, a year ago exactly, my depression kicked in again. This time it was over something that affected my life pretty greatly. I thought, at the time, that I wanted a sex change. It was a pretty serious feeling, I went to the doctors and got referred to a gender clinic. I told me mother, which frankly took a lot of bravery on my behalf. She was understanding at first, then went into denial, trying to find all of the reasons I couldn't be transgendered. The feeling of wanting a sex change did pass after 4 months, but it would have been nice to have had her support. My nanna was diagnosed with cancer at this time, about November 2009 I think. For some reason, my mother found it appropriate to breach my trust and tell her about my feelings. She also read an entire week of my chat logs before she kicked me out in late November, picking out and printing out all of the worst bits that described my self-hatred, suicidal feelings, self harm and desire for a sex change, and gave a copy of this to my nanna. Now, the fact that my nanna had to read these chat logs 2 months before she died abhors me. The fact that she died knowing these things about me, well, let's just say I will never forgive my mother for showing those chat logs to her. Never.

    The worst night I have ever spent in regards to resisting the urge to take my life, was actually in result of something my nanna said to me. I had watched a documentary on television about transgendered kids, and one female-to-male transsexual was on who I particularly related to. The fact that this boy could fit in with all of his friends and feel accepted was a massive comfort to me, but after I watched the show, I got a text message from my nanna, who had also watched the show, telling me I was a beautiful girl and begging me to reconsider my choice. I spiralled into the worst depression I have ever had to this day, and the urge to take my own life was almost overpowering.

    My nanna was taken into a hospice over New Year, and we were told she was terminal. I had been kicked out by this point, so conversations with my mother were awkward small talk as she had cut all communications between us at that point. I visited my nanna almost every day whilst she was in the hospice, took her enormous bunches of flowers and brought her news about how well I had done in my January exams, which even in her delusional state brought her great happiness, which made me swell with pride. She reportedly sat talking to my mam about how I was a beautiful, amazing 'brrrilliant' girl, which is a massive comfort to me to this day. But the sound of her crying and screaming with both pain and fear of her delusions was horribly distressing and a sound that I have not forgotten even to this day.

    Every day before I left the hospice, I would kiss her and say "I'll see you tomorrow". Then, one day, on the 24th of January, she had spent the entire time asleep or just unconscious. Before I went to leave, I didn't say "I'll see you tomorrow," because it was at that point that I doubted I would. Instead, I simply whispered "I love you" and I broke down. It was later that night I received the news that she had passed.

    I cried at the funeral, all of the way through the service, even before the humanist had spoken. I remember one night when I lay in bed, screaming with the pain of losing her. And I'm sitting crying now, 8 months on, because I miss her so much.

    Thank you so much if you have read this, my one small tribute to such an amazing and well-loved woman. She meant more to me than anyone in this entire world. I wish I was with her.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 9, 2010
  2. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry for the loss of your grandmother kazine....what a lovely lady...
    I don't understand why your mother would be so cruel as to kick you out and not talk to you.....I wish she had been supportive of you.....
    you sound like a very caring person..I can get that from your writing...
    have you considered having grief counseling? it may help ...and talking to your doctor about the trans-gender thing is also a good idea....if it's something you really want see someone about it..
    I hope you can stay strong and find some support here with us..
  3. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your reply. The gender issues have passed and I feel comfortable with myself now. My nanna was indeed a very wonderful woman and she is badly missed by a lot of people. I'm seeing a psychiatrist soon about my depression and SH so I will probably bring it up with them.

    Thank you for reading my post, it means a lot.
  4. Shadowlands

    Shadowlands Official SF Hugger Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Sorry to hear that :hug:
  5. fallingangie

    fallingangie Well-Known Member

    hey...this story of your's kind of got me emotional. I lost my grandma too and I was her favourite :) Its amazing to see how everything comes to an end ..even life...feels as though all the good things were meant to be taken away by God. Sometimes its really hard to understand life i guess...I can understand you.....
  6. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    Angie I'm sorry to hear that your lost your grandma too. Although I guess you can empathise with with the pain of losing that special relationship too.

    Hope I didn't upset you too much with my post. Thanks for reading though.
  7. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    Bump, because today marks 1 year since she died :(.

    RIP <3
  8. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

  9. Nima

    Nima Well-Known Member

    I know missing your nanna is going to be a big lost when she was a huge part of your upbringing and was the #1 person who took care of you while your mother went to work when you were young....I know that would make me depressed also if I lost a big Patriarch in my life that meant so much for me.

    Well we're here for you anytime you need a little talking to
  10. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    Thank you :hug:
  11. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    She looks like she was a real fun grandma and your bond with her will always be there. I know it is so hard especially when you feel so alone hugs to you okay she will always remain within you her laughter her joy.
  12. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    Happy Birthday Nanna.
    Still miss you all of the time.
    I love you lots and lots
    and tons and tons
    and right the way around the world
    and back again.
    ♥ RIP ♥
  13. luka

    luka Active Member

    she was beautiful and so are you.

    i can always relate to someone who has lost a loved one, being in the army myself ive lost many fallen mates, it is hard and ive been to many funerals and have had to look in the eyes of the wives,sisters,brothers,fathers,mothers etc it is hard and its not something i can ever get better at.ive also spoken at my eulogies and ive always said, never mourn the death of the fallen but instead celebrate their life, what theys tood up for, how hard they fought and what they belived in, their values and rights.

    and thats how you should rememeber your nan, from what youve wrote, she was a amazing women, and so are you for telling us her story, her legacy lives on as long as you keep remembering her name. she would wnat you to be happy and enjoy the beautiful life ahead of you

    live life without regrets
  14. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    Just thinking about you right now Nanna. After battling through another depression, I've reached the light at the end of the tunnel (or between the tunnels) and I wish you could be here to see how happy I am. I think I'd make you proud. I miss you.

    Thanks to everyone who has replied. It's nice to read people saying nice things about her. ♥
  15. Joshua2803

    Joshua2803 Well-Known Member

    Im so sorry for your loss,it seems that you were extremely close to your grandmother. Even though its going to take time you should forgive your mom,at least your grandmother knew what you wanted at that time and she knew what was going on in your life at that time,being the loveing grandmother that she was she most likely would have supported you. Looking on the bright side you will have a chance to see your grandmother again, as mentioned at (John 5:28)" the hour is coming in which all those in the memorial tombs will come out." This scripture gave me hope when I lost my grandfather,and hopefully will give you hope.
  16. Lost_Daughter

    Lost_Daughter Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry for your loss but I hope you find some comfort in knowing she is no longer suffering and at peace. Take comfort in knowing you were able to spend time with her before she passed. I believe that even if she wasn't able to acknowledge your presence at all times, she knew you were there in her heart. She may not have understood you at all times but I'm sure her love for you was unconditional. I lost my grandma last year as well and I regret that I was never able to say goodbye or be there for her durring her last days, even though it wasn't my fault. My mother commited suicide on june 28, 2010 and I didn't find out till then that my grandma had passed away a week earlier and my mom had left her in her in her house. I was devistated, not only that my mom had taken her life, but that my grandma was not in hospice like my mom had said. I had asked several times about going to see her but my mom had made several excuses why we couldn't go.

    Again, I am sorry for your loss but please try to be greatful for the time you had with her, from the beginning to the end.
  17. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    You know, it's funny... If ever I'm around places that she used to go to, I wonder if I'll see her, before remembering that she is dead and has been for over two years. It's weird, and it makes me truly understand what it means when people say that the dead are still alive in our hearts.

    Kaz x
  18. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    4 years today and how I miss you still.