My Nanna

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by mixedemotions, Jan 28, 2009.

  1. mixedemotions

    mixedemotions Forum Buddy

    I lost my great Nanna today and I really don't know how i should be feeling. The feeling of Loss is there, and feeling that I let her down for not going to visit for often enough.

    I feel guilty more than any thing, my mam was always asking me to go visit, and i was always "too busy" to go and now i feel like total shit.

    the thing that i'm struggling with the most though is the fact she was as fit as a fiddle at the age of 98...

    she told her nurse she wanted to see a doctor at 6am so one was called...

    the doctor said he could see nothing medically wrong with her apart from a bit sorenes in the throat and a bruise on her leg (from a previous accident).

    my nanna told the nurse and doctor she just wanted to sleep for a little while.

    2hours later the nurse went to check on her.... he opened her bed room door and she was just lay there on the bed curled up in a ball... he thought...'hmmm she is rather still'
    he walked over to her and found she was dead, the thing is when he looked at her, he is sure she was smiling...

    what does this mean....?

    I understand she was old and has said for a while that she just wanted to die, as she wasn't happy...

    maybe she was smiling because you finally got her wish. maybe she died happy. i dont know that to think any more..

    I wish i had to visit more often. I wish I could understand these thoughts going through my head but most of all, I wish I could of hugged her that one last time, give her a kiss on that hairy cheek and told her i love her.

    I dont know what to think.
  2. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    Sounds like she died happy hun. I know that might not help you right now, but in a few days/weeks/months when things have settled downa bit and the feeling of loss lessens you can look back on this and remember that she wasnt scared. That she was ready to go.
    I dont really know what to say to you honey, except that she knew you loved her and I'm convinced you have nothing to feel guilty abbout.
    Look after your mum but don't forget to give yourself time to grieve too.
    You know where I am if I can help in any way xxxx
  3. mixedemotions

    mixedemotions Forum Buddy

    thank you sam.
    I just feel so guilty for not going to see her.
    when i was little we were so close and i would see her on a weekly bases, but as i grew older and she got put in the home, i found i got further and further away from her. I feel as though I should of been there more, even if it was just to watch her sleep. to help her out the chair, to tell her she was still beautiful.
    When i did see her, i used to have to shout as she was going deaf.. but she would never wear her hearing aid. she always said there was nothing wrong with her. she told every one she was fine... maybe deep down she was hiding some thing.

    it is as though she knew it was her time to go, and that is why she wanted to see the doctor.

    even more strangly, it would of been my great grandads birthday today (her husband)
    maybe she wanted to see him... i dont know
  4. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    There we go babes... you've said it all. She went back to your Granddad. Smile at that, remember the good times xx
  5. soliloquise

    soliloquise Well-Known Member

    wow the love for your nan is so apparent here it pours out in your posts... she knew you loved her.. how could it not be obvious to her? don't feel guilty.. i bet she loved you v much too

    RIP to your nan and all grandparents out there who are gone

    sam x
  6. mixedemotions

    mixedemotions Forum Buddy

    i'm feeling really strange, as though i'm missing her, but i dont understand how when i hadn't seen in her a while any way...
    maybe it is becoz i know now that i'll never see her again,


    i dont know how to explain it.
  7. tragedy

    tragedy New Member

    I understand how you feel. I didn't visit my grandmother as much as I should have, and when I did, I was often in a sort of a hurry to leave. When she died, I felt (and still feel) guilty for not being there for her as much as I ought to have been.

    But I also think that I'd feel guilt even if I'd visited her every day, because when someone close to you dies, you always wish you could've spent more time with them. I don't know if this is of any help, but it's what I keep telling myself. :unsure:
  8. mixedemotions

    mixedemotions Forum Buddy

    I never really thought about it that way, but I suppose your right. Even if I had seen her more often I think I'd still feel guilty.

    I dreamt about her last night, woke up crying twice. I'm really missing her
  9. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    :hug: I'm sorry for your loss x
  10. mixedemotions

    mixedemotions Forum Buddy

    thank you, sweetheart

    We still don't know when the funeral is going to take place. The doctor who seen her in the morning wants an post mortom to take place because he never seen any thing medically wrong with her.

    An investigation could be going a head in the nursing home she was in, she mal conduct, but we dont know. The family just want to put her to rest. it is what she deserves. she was 98 years old.... her dealth has gotta be due to old age... right?
  11. mixedemotions

    mixedemotions Forum Buddy

    The family found out today that my nanna has got a small furtune growing in the bank that none of us knew about.
    Meaning we can afford to give her a decent funeral... which is going to be on Friday.
    Really dreading it... but I have to go.

    I'm also going to see her resting in the champal tomorrow...

  12. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    I'm sure you will be fine hun. I will have my phone on all day if you need me :hug:
  13. mixedemotions

    mixedemotions Forum Buddy

    thanks sam

  14. Starlite

    Starlite Senior Member

    My condolences
  15. mixedemotions

    mixedemotions Forum Buddy

    Well, didn't go to see her today..... but i think my mam wants to go see her on monday or tuesday

    really dreading it
  16. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    It's a very hard thing to do Jane, I wont lie about that....but it's definately worth it. I went to see my Nan every day that she was in the funeral directors and it was so helpful. It's peaceful and I gaurantee your Nan will look peaceful, calm, and happy :hug One thing though hun, don't beat yourself up if you can't do it. It's a very personal thing, some people like to do it...some people don't. Only do what you are comfortable with :hug:
  17. mixedemotions

    mixedemotions Forum Buddy

    Well at first I was only going to go to support my mam. as she does not want to go alone. but now the more i think about, the more i want to see her. I want to see her one last time, even if it is just to say good bye.

    I'm going to do it one step at a time tho, I am going to go with my mam and wait out side the room, and then if i feel confortable i am going to go in with my mam, and then once i feel i can, i plan to have some time alone with her. just to talk and tell her how much i am already missing her, to tell her that i will always love her. the memories i have will last forever. I just want to say good bye properly.
  18. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    Sounds like you've got it all covered :smile: :hug:
  19. mixedemotions

    mixedemotions Forum Buddy

    thinking about it, is good, actually going through with it... well that is another mater all together
  20. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    :hug: You'll be fine. You know where I am if you need me