my not *exactly* attempt

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by Sa Palomera, Mar 15, 2007.

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  1. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    yesterday was shit.
    I had a nice evening with a cabaret show. Then in the end there was this song about "what if this was your last night" or something like that. Triggering but ok. My sister was still there with me, I dropped her off at home, watching my parents' house, where she still lives and it was odd. It was strange to watch that house, seeing the windows of my old bedroom, the kitchen window, my sister going into that front door I'll most likely never walk in again.

    Then I drove back home. After like not even half an hour something happened though. I was on the highway and it was like 11pm, pitch black outside, barely any other cars around. And something happened again. I had my music on at full blast, was looking at the road ahead of me and I would just go faster and faster and faster, staring at the road ahead of me. I was going faster and faster until suddenly I realized I was going like 180km/h or something I got scared, flipped out and parked at the first parkingplace I found. I was too scared to drive any further. I called Blub. We were on the phone for like an hour.

    Then eventually I calmed down a bit. I could drive on, knowing that I had a perfect plan. My silly head said it though while I was still on the phone. Causing blub not to hang up the phone. When I 'd hang up she called me back. I drove further, going faster and faster everytime. Then I was at a place where it was supposed to happen. I hung up the phone and started speeding up again she kept calling me back though. distracting me that way. How could I drive myself into the fence while having her or anyone on the phone, for god sake? why didn't she just let me do this? I fucking needed to do it! she wouldn't let me fucking go! :cry:

    so yeah that was my... 'attempt'. Guess it wasn't really an attempt, but I would have been dead if she hadn't fucking stopped me from doing it. HEck i'd have been dead if I hadnt fcking called her when I freaked out in the first place!
    Me sucks :cry:
     
  2. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    urgh and now all I can feel is guilt and anger. Angry at myself fr ever calling blub, guilty for calling her as well. fuck sake why did i do that to her?

    and why couldnt I have just done that...
    I hate this. it sucks and I probably shouldj't have posted this thread in the first place.

    Don't bother replying to this as it'll only make me feel more guilty. Its out there now. blah there ya go I'll stop rambling now and now everyone can make fun of the failure called Ester. there ya go eveyrone happy.
     
  3. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Est:sad: :hug: :hug:
     
  4. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    don't be sad. I'm still here. Isn't that what y'all want? me being alive. No matter how shit I feel, no matter how pointless everyhing is.

    as long as I'm alive it's ok, right? as long as I am alive it's all good for y'all.

    the fact that I'm not living, but just breathing doesnt'matter, does it?


    I should've never called blubs, but just go ahead and done it. Point.
     
  5. PoetMan

    PoetMan Well-Known Member

    From the sounds of it, it wasn't really an attempt, more of a suicidal ideation. Even normal people have those from time to time. But when yours started, you had a panic attack because you've been suicidal in the past. I think you didn't really want to die, but your emotions are set in a dangerous rut. You experience a trigger, you make a plan to die. You don't have to do that.
     
  6. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Est i think its pretty out of order to say we just want you 'breathing'. How many times have we ALL sat there and tried talking to you. Tried to make you see. Tried to make you get help but you were having none of it. Go a head say we got what we wanted. You have no fucking idea what i want and you never fucking will. You don't see how much we've tried helping you and frankly you don't seem to give a shit. Everyone cares about but that don't seem to matter to you. You just do as you please. Look around and see how many people have taking it, cos i can assure you its not many. You have no idea what any of us want for you and to turn around and say all we want is for you to be breathing us wrong and just shows you never knew any of us at all and never saw what any of us tried to do for you. But hey that my view, what does that matter to you.
     
  7. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    think what you want. I know what's going on and I know what it was. I should've never posted what happened.

    Please can a staffmember lock this thread or even better, delete it? Thank you very much.
     
  8. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    **edit**
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 15, 2007
  9. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    that reply was aimed at poetman btw, not at you vikki
     
  10. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Okay, i'll edit my previous post then.
     
  11. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    I called blubs when I was in a panic attack after I'd been speeding up and up and up. When I was too scared to drive any further.
    During the call I came to peace though and that's when the idea formed in my head. when the plan was being made. And I couldn't "get rid" of blubs on the phone anymore.

    So I didn't have the plan yet when I called her.
     
  12. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    I really think you need to see someone. If blubs hadn't kept calling you, who knows what would of happened. A lot of people would be hurting right now, including Chrissy. She would of lost her best mate. You sister would of lost her lil sister. You need something to stabalise your moods, only a few days you wrote a positive message about spending the day with Chrissy and now this post.

    Do you really think thas all we want? you just breathing?
     
  13. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    I dont know what y'all want. All i know is what I want. And right now I'm sick of ecerything.
     
  14. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    If you don't know what we want then you haven't been paying attention for the 6 months i've know you. Known of us know what we want, thats natural. Everyone is sick of everything. You ain't alone on that. My point was that it was a bit unfair to say that all we ever wanted was for you to be breathing because that in very very very untrue and if you dont see that then you never knew me aswell as you claim to.
     
  15. blub

    blub Guest

    Ah ester, i fucking care about you. You mean a lot to me and maybe its selfish to keep you alive. But I just want you to expereince a nice life, feeling happy etc, you deserve that. And why i want to keep you here is, because I know it can happen.
    I know exactly how you feel, I wonder all the time why do you want to keep me here, alive. Just let me die, its the best. But you wouldnt agree with that. And dont say its different for me, because i havent killed anyone or hurt people, you didnt kill anyone, and everyone hurts someone.
    Its ok you called me, it really is ok. I can handle that kind of stuff, especially when i care a lot about that person. I care a lot about you. Never hesitate to call me, I am here for you
    :hug:
     
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