yesterday was shit.
I had a nice evening with a cabaret show. Then in the end there was this song about "what if this was your last night" or something like that. Triggering but ok. My sister was still there with me, I dropped her off at home, watching my parents' house, where she still lives and it was odd. It was strange to watch that house, seeing the windows of my old bedroom, the kitchen window, my sister going into that front door I'll most likely never walk in again.
Then I drove back home. After like not even half an hour something happened though. I was on the highway and it was like 11pm, pitch black outside, barely any other cars around. And something happened again. I had my music on at full blast, was looking at the road ahead of me and I would just go faster and faster and faster, staring at the road ahead of me. I was going faster and faster until suddenly I realized I was going like 180km/h or something I got scared, flipped out and parked at the first parkingplace I found. I was too scared to drive any further. I called Blub. We were on the phone for like an hour.
Then eventually I calmed down a bit. I could drive on, knowing that I had a perfect plan. My silly head said it though while I was still on the phone. Causing blub not to hang up the phone. When I 'd hang up she called me back. I drove further, going faster and faster everytime. Then I was at a place where it was supposed to happen. I hung up the phone and started speeding up again she kept calling me back though. distracting me that way. How could I drive myself into the fence while having her or anyone on the phone, for god sake? why didn't she just let me do this? I fucking needed to do it! she wouldn't let me fucking go! :cry:
so yeah that was my... 'attempt'. Guess it wasn't really an attempt, but I would have been dead if she hadn't fucking stopped me from doing it. HEck i'd have been dead if I hadnt fcking called her when I freaked out in the first place!
Me sucks :cry:
I had a nice evening with a cabaret show. Then in the end there was this song about "what if this was your last night" or something like that. Triggering but ok. My sister was still there with me, I dropped her off at home, watching my parents' house, where she still lives and it was odd. It was strange to watch that house, seeing the windows of my old bedroom, the kitchen window, my sister going into that front door I'll most likely never walk in again.
Then I drove back home. After like not even half an hour something happened though. I was on the highway and it was like 11pm, pitch black outside, barely any other cars around. And something happened again. I had my music on at full blast, was looking at the road ahead of me and I would just go faster and faster and faster, staring at the road ahead of me. I was going faster and faster until suddenly I realized I was going like 180km/h or something I got scared, flipped out and parked at the first parkingplace I found. I was too scared to drive any further. I called Blub. We were on the phone for like an hour.
Then eventually I calmed down a bit. I could drive on, knowing that I had a perfect plan. My silly head said it though while I was still on the phone. Causing blub not to hang up the phone. When I 'd hang up she called me back. I drove further, going faster and faster everytime. Then I was at a place where it was supposed to happen. I hung up the phone and started speeding up again she kept calling me back though. distracting me that way. How could I drive myself into the fence while having her or anyone on the phone, for god sake? why didn't she just let me do this? I fucking needed to do it! she wouldn't let me fucking go! :cry:
so yeah that was my... 'attempt'. Guess it wasn't really an attempt, but I would have been dead if she hadn't fucking stopped me from doing it. HEck i'd have been dead if I hadnt fcking called her when I freaked out in the first place!
Me sucks :cry: