My OCD ruined everything

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by ansdr, Oct 22, 2008.

  1. ansdr

    ansdr Well-Known Member

    I have had OCD for a year now and they all revovled around girls. Once i wondered if i was attracted to them or not. Anyways there was this girl i liked im my college class and ofcoarse the thought attacks came. At first my thoughts were something like, how do you know she's real and i argued with this. Then they got worse and they were like if you talk to her the college is going to explode or if you talk to her someones going to do something bad to you and her. And then the worst one was when i obssesed over her dying. Anyways we became friends and i told her how i felt in a letter. She has a bf so i adressed that. She wrote back saying i was childish and she heard about me asking for advice. This hurted cause we are college students and it really wrecked me ego. I don't think it was my fault for caring for her. Because my thoughts made me think of her 24/7 for a whole month. I tried to resist them, everytime i thought of them i felt like i got real sick. My whole head woud numb up and i would get a cold and i felt like i had to save her in my head, if i didn't i would face the conseqeunces of being sick. So i guess i became a bit obssesed with her unintentially. But i don't think it's my fault. I wanted to be with her because i wanted to prove these thoughts wrong. Let them know they can't stop me from having relationships. Now I feel like all my work (thought wise and overcoming them) was for nothing. And these thoughts had hit me every minute of the day for a month. I feel like telling a friend. Everyone thinks im a loser now or thinks im weird. Even my pal. I feel like if i told him maybe he would understand. I know she wouldn't, she would think i was crazy. But atleast I would have a chance. I probably didn't make the best moves but the thoughts were draining my whole attitude i think it affected me entirely, it affected how i thought about her and my perspective and i wish she knew this. I wish everyone knew so she wouldn't call me a loser and everyone wouldn't think i was retarded. But they wouldn't understand, they would just think i was crazy and would treat me like a handicap. This situation really sucks though, anyone got any advice.
  2. ansdr

    ansdr Well-Known Member

    I think the worst part about it was the girl seeing me as some childish chump who wasn't strong enough. I once read on a site that no one wants to be with anyone who is crazy because it's a waste of time. I mean my self esteem and respect at this moment aren't very high. I keep telling myself that it wasn't my fault that i felt that way. I felt i had to tell her i cared about her. Those thoughts of her dying kept coming back every minute and i felt that if i didn't tell her i wouldn't get another chance. Sometime bad might happen to her and i wouldn't have even gotten to tell her. It sucks because on the outside i look retarted by everyone. No one in the class has any respect for me anymore. And whats worst is the fact the girl went on to say she was deep in love with her boyfriend and she would never be with someone like me because of how childish and weak willed i seemed. I don't think she had to say all that. Part of me feels like telling her about the thoughts. Ofcoarse i never will because she would just see me as crazy. But for one month for every hour of the day i thought about her. And everything i saw that was bad i took in and in my mind it was used agaisnt her. Anything could be used against her. I would see a bald guy so a thought would tell me she was bald and was wearing a wig even though i knew that wasn't true. I would see someone with a deformity and a thought would say she really looks like that and i had to prove all these thoughts wrong in my mind and it was hard. And i knew she wouldn't do the same thing for me but the thoughts wouldn't stop for nothing. Even when i knew that they were making me more obssesed. Now after all that i have to forget about her. And on top of that she see's me as a childish chump stuck in the friends zone.
  3. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi, there,

    I can sense how overwhelming this has been for you, and very difficult because of the hurtful treatment from others. I wish that you hadn't had to go through all that. What struck me was that you did get through it! I think that is a huge achievement. If your friend and this girl don't understand and won't give you a chance, it could be that you deserve better friends - ones are compassionate and understanding.

    It can't be easy to have OCD. I can imagine how intrusive the thoughts might be and how they might interrupt day-to-day activities. Have you had any counseling for OCD? I have heard that it is "very treatable" with therapy. Perhaps you could look into that.

    I think you you did all that hard work for a reason: for yourself. You did it to prove that you do not want and don't have to have OCD ruling your life. You managed for a whole month!

    With support from counseling, I bet you could tame the dragon in no time!


  4. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    First of all, you never did anything wrong at all. It's understandable what your going through, it's something you couldn't help and you even tried to battle that other side of you. You should take strong encouragement for the fact that you kept fighting and questioning yourself. Questioning yourself is a important and rare quality.

    By the way, do you see a therapist or anyone in that line of profession.
  5. ansdr

    ansdr Well-Known Member

    I haven't gotten therapy yet. Because i was afraid it would take up too much time but now maybe i should consider it.
  6. ansdr

    ansdr Well-Known Member

    Even though im in college im actually in this college program that lets younger people attend. It's aimed more towards drop outs but other high school students can attend. Im planning on switching my learning community. There are 3 of them that start at different times. I think getting away from all the class drama would help. betrayed me. I was asking for advice from him and i told him alot of personal insecurities i had about talking to girls in general and the girl i liked. And he told her everything, i know because when she wrote me her letter in response it contained things i talked about with my friend but didn't tell her. And they hang out alot. It hurts me that my friend would betray me like that, and everytime he see's me he starts talking to me about it like he was on my side. As i recal he was the one that said it was ok to go for her, he encouraged me when i needed help. Those were personal things that i wanted to share with someone else because i thought it would be nice to share views with someone and have a friend that i could discuss my problems with. I just think with everything going on i need to distance myself away from these people and focus on more important things like the college work itself. Im not even going to adress this with him, i think it's better if i just go without saying anything.
  7. Vampyrica

    Vampyrica Member

    awww hun, I dont know what I can say to help but I really wish you the best, keep your chin up and smile!