Very long so read when you have time please. Keep in mind I'm only 15 and a boy. There is no way of summing this up. Here is a weird state of mind I have been in.. Hard to explain so bare with me. Is this a sickness? Or do I have too much time on my hands? I feel like everyone is ignorant compared to me. This sounds arrogant but it's just fact to me, I don't want it to be. I remember before I felt like this. Everything in life seemed so "important" and in the NOW. LEt me give you an example: when you go to the mall you see a lot of teenagers in their trendy clothes and cell phones texting some girl because they cant call for some reason. And they are so much in their little world that don't realize the "real world" (the world I live in). I think of life more as what it is instead of what my mind imagines it to be. Almost like I lived in the future and came back in time to be stuck in my own body and cant do anything but have no knowledge of the future. Wow that sounds weird when I type it. Socially I am a wreck. I have awkward moments every time I talk to some one, talking feels primitive to me, I can't say half the words I feel because they are too complicated to make into words, conversations are like work to me (I don't want to do it but know I have to), and I forget to walk correctly like I will all the sudden remember I have to maintain my hands in a certain way while I walk but feel stupid doing it. I feel trapped being stuck in my room all day with no friends but finding friends in home school in a small truck stop town is impossible to me (specially with no hobbies and no way to relate to someone). I wish I knew how to skate lol (everyone skates :/) The last problem involves my weight and my view on my body. I use to weigh like 210 and now after I lost some weight (Im like 160-165 now). I use to not really care about my body. Now it's almost the most important thing to me. Everytime I take a shower I look in the mirror and just feel gross and hidious. I always find something new to freak out about. This week it seems to be my man boobs and my upper ribs. I feel like I have gained weight there and cant do anything to lose it. Then everytime I lay down in bed I feel my stomach and pelvic bones to make sure they havent grown and usually they feel like they have. Now onto my face. Ever since I lost the double chin I constantly look at my chin from the side to make sure it hasnt grown. I feel like everyone is looking at my eyebrows and I feel like they are constantly growing. I think psyically everyone thinks I look like a alien, hairy monster or a weasel with big lips and laughs at me in their head. I get soo paranoid around others. I miss when I would actually allow the thought of girls even remotely finding me attractive. I miss having confidence. I miss feeling on earth. Whats worst is I think my mom thinks I am normal. MY mom's opinion matters to me a lot because shes the only person I care about. I could never tell her how I feel. I couldn't put her through the thought of me being this weird she would cry even more then she does already. Shes already lost one of her sons and was probably relying on me being normal. Honestly I'm sick of seeing her cry just as much as I am of being myself. There is no medication to make me normal so why post this?